For as long as I can remember I’ve heard the phrase “men love a challenge.” There is this notion that men enjoy the chase when it comes to love. They don’t want a woman or a relationship to come easy. They want something they can work towards. “Oh she isn’t feeling me now? Just wait, I’ll change her mind.” Now while this may not be true for every man, it is consistent with what I have seen over the years in my own dating experiences. What we don’t talk about a lot though is how women like a challenge too. Sometimes it is the same challenge as men in that we are trying to get someone to like us. The other challenge some women like to take on though is riskier than just trying to get someone’s attention. Some women like to take on the challenge of trying to get a man to change. Whether it is for the betterment of a relationship or for him to even be willing to settle down in a one, some women love the challenge of trying to change a man.
How many times have you met the handsome guy that seems to be a lot of what you are looking for? Everything seems good until he hits you with the bombshell that he isn’t looking for anything serious. Instead of being honest and saying that you are indeed looking for something serious, you start the plot in your mind to conquer his heart. You get excited because you think all you have to do is show him how great of a woman you are and that will make him want to settle down. You totally negate all the other women who had the same thought with him, as well as all the other men you weren’t able to change. No you believe that this time you can change him, hence, the challenge begins.
That may not be your scenario but like it or not, any variation of it tends to lead to similar results. I’m not saying no man will ever be willing to change his mind, but remember he has to be willing. Then it doesn’t help when you have that man who swears that the woman in his life “changed him.” Well let me explain what he really meant. “She helped motivate me to change myself.” No person can change another human being. There are people we can encounter who give us the push we need to make changes within ourselves. Unfortunately, some women like to take these unlawfully applied words and use them as ammunition to try to “change” a man in their life. I believe that many times some women like to believe they have the power to do this. They want to be the one who can make him a “better man.” This makes sense because who doesn’t want to believe they have super powers; because that is what you will need in order to be able to change someone.
Here me clearly, do not bank on the thought of you motivating a man to change either. This is just as bad as thinking you changed him. At the end of the day, if you are not satisfied with who he is, you are wasting your time and his. If you do not agree with what he wants out of a relationship you need to be honest with yourself about whether you can emotionally handle that. If the only way a relationship can work is if he changes, then you are putting yourself in a risky place to never get the relationship healthy. I’m not talking about you want him to make more money or he thinks two years of dating before getting engaged is good and you think one is better, type of changes. I’m talking he never wants to get married but you do, type of changes. The he thinks being monogamous is unrealistic and unnatural so he never plans on doing so, type of changes. Those are things that can have you putting in years of your life only to never see it manifest into anything.
“If the only way a relationship can work is if he changes, then you are putting yourself in a risky place to never get the relationship healthy.”
I’ll admit this was me some years ago. I was good for saying “I bet I can get him to change.” It was a hunt I was determined to pursue. There is one particular guy who the whole basis of our situationship I like to call it, was me trying to change him. I heard of how he dogged out females and that he wasn’t the type to settle down or fall in love. “That’s because he hasn’t met me,” I cockily uttered as if I had the cosmic ability to do so. Well after one unnecessarily tortuous emotional rollercoaster later, I accomplished one thing, his love. And yet, he was still the same. I did get him to commit, just not to me. I watched as he got girlfriend after girlfriend looking foolish because I prepped him for them. I set myself up because I was arrogant and naïve enough to believe that I had the ability to change a grown man. What I failed to realize is that I got so caught up in him being a challenge, that I no longer was one. I no longer gave him something to chase because I was chasing after him. All I did was get him to a place where he was ready to change for the next chick who challenged him.
“What I failed to realize is that I got so caught up in him being a challenge, that I no longer was one.”
Let me say this though, men who really like someone and want to pursue them is going to be willing to compromise some things. There is a difference though between him comprising to be able to make you happy and him changing. Let me explain. If a man knows that going with you to see the newest chick flick will make you happy, then so be it, he’ll go with a smile just to make you do the same. This is healthy; this can be expected. That doesn’t mean he will begin to love them and be looking out for the newest chick flicks with heavy anticipation. Is it possible for a man to realize after watching so many chick flicks with you that he actually likes them? Yes it is. This should not though be the expectation. Expect him to compromise for you, not change.
Ladies all I ask is that we check our urge for the challenge. Don’t set yourself up to be potentially hurt because you thought you had the power to change a human being. Yes every man has things that a woman can come in his life and motivate him to do better, but he has to want to do better. The beauty of it is that there are men out there who are willing to change and are doing so. You just have to be honest with what you desire and stay true to that. Just keep in mind, if you are the challenge, you are less likely to be distracted by one.