I remember the first time I heard of this so called “list.” The list that most people have either wrote or thought about writing. The list that comprises everything you could possibly think of that makes the perfect mate we know does not exist. When I first heard of this list I thought, well maybe this is a good idea. I believe in writing the vision and making it plain so sure, why not? At one point I was convinced that the reason I had yet to be blessed with the man God had for me was because I had not made my requests known through this almighty list. So finally, I did it. I wrote the extensive list that spanned over three pages, front and back. It had everything from being good in bed, (don’t judge me…you might want to pray the same prayer) to being smart with finances. I had physical, mental and emotional features on this list. I even found myself coming up with new things and adding them to the list at later times. I wrote this list almost three years ago. I barely remember what was on it. I do remember basing a lot of how I measured whether a guy was worth my time was through this list.
“At one point I was convinced that the reason I had yet to be blessed with the man God had for me was because I had not made my requests known through this almighty list.”
Fast forward to the present. I am now on the dating scene and getting to know people. In getting to know one guy in particular I found myself getting excited. Is this the one? He was everything on my list. He even had some preferences that were not necessities but would be nice if a guy had them. So we continued to get to know each other. Then the unthinkable happens….I start to question if I like him. Now at this point I’m slapping myself as if to put the sense back into me that I obviously lost. I was thinking to myself, “there is no way you can NOT like this man.” I mean he was everything I thought I wanted. Or was he? Playing around with this question had me over thinking everything. I thought maybe I was just afraid to have found such a great guy and I was running from the situation. Maybe I was just turning into the person who didn’t know what to do when she got what she asked for. But the problem still remained, I wasn’t sure if I liked him. Eventually the debate within me came to a screeching halt when I came to the sad realization that I indeed had no desire to be with him. Even after accepting this I still wondered, “but what about the list?” This is when I finally had the revelation, maybe the list doesn’t mean as much as I thought it did.
For so many years I had this list as if it were some criteria that a man had to meet in order for us to be together. As if this list was the portal to my happiness in a relationship. And here it is I met a man who actually had the things on the list but I’m not interested? What went wrong here?
First off, I didn’t listen to myself. For as long as I can remember I have stated that a good man does not mean he is the right man. Let me explain… I look at dating as the interviewing process to filling a permanent position. Many people will apply, a lot of them even having the qualifications. Only one person though can fill the position. It takes more than what is on a piece of paper to determine whether or not someone qualifies. This is what I was doing though. I was letting a list, a piece of paper, dictate what was right for me. Now don’t get me wrong, don’t think you are getting a job without sending in your resume’. It’s the same thing with the list. A list is a good thing to go by but should not be what the decision is contingent upon. What the list cannot give you is chemistry. This is the vibe and interaction between two people. The funny part is that this may even be something on your list. There is a reason why coming in for interviews is important in the hiring process. I don’t know too many people who received jobs SOLELY off their resume’. Is it possible? Yes. Is it the best way to make the decision? No. Chemistry is important because it gives you a chance to compare the person to the paper. You get to see how you feel about the actual person and not the characteristics that make them up. Chemistry will have you adding things and catch this, even taking things off of the list. Again, let me explain…. Sometimes people get hired for jobs for which they did not necessarily qualify. Why? Because in the interview process, that person left such an impression that the employer was willing to take the risk. Sometimes you may have a chemistry so strong with someone that maybe you are not so bothered by the fact they have a child, was once divorced or can’t cook. Sometimes it makes you realize that some things are not as big of a deal as they once seemed. It also shows that things can work out even if the qualifications don’t always measure up. Remember, just because they have the qualifications doesn’t mean they can handle the job. On the contrary, just because they don’t have the qualifications, doesn’t mean they won’t be amazing in the position.
“I look at dating as the interviewing process to filling a permanent position. Many people will apply, a lot of them even having the qualifications. Only one person though can fill the position.”
Now let me make this very clear, the list is good to have. I think it is healthy for an individual to have somewhat of a handle on what it is they are looking for and want. It is not a good thing when the list becomes a box that a potential mate has to squeeze into. I strongly believe that everyone should have those things they know must be a characteristic in a mate they want. If you enter into a relationship with no standards whatsoever, you put yourself in a position to potentially deal with things that make you unhappy or have you second guessing a lot of what you do. I cannot stress this enough though, do not marry this list. Let the list simply guide you into the relationship that your heart has always desired. Let’s be honest here, no one ever thinks of every possible thing that they could either want or not want in a mate. Sometimes it takes dating and getting to know people to even see some things to put on the list. So how can you measure someone to something you don’t even know exists? My advice to you, do not let this list rule your heart. The interaction between you and that person counts more than the list. The qualifications from the list catches your attention, it is the person though that keeps you.
2 thoughts on “The List… Does is Matter?”
Great post. I really like the analogy of dating as an interview process for a permanent role. I feel this so called list is somewhat unnecessary. Everybody has preferences and I completely understand that. A list may limit the number of potentially great candidates. Like you mentioned the guy had everything on your list, but you didn’t like him. So what purpose is the list? Example I’m dating a woman now, not my ideal woman, but I really like her. Don’t have a list, just find someone that makes you happy.
Hey Roland thanks for the feedback!!! I definitely understand what you mean by a least being restrictive. The reason I think it is good is because it can give someone an idea of what their looking for if they haven’t really thought about it before. Again though, it’s just an idea, not a hard copy of what a mate has to be.