The Virtuous Woman…. Do you really want her? Do you really want to be her?


Courtesy of photopin

Some time ago in a conversation with a long time friend, discussed was the idea that it is difficult to stick to Biblical principles of dating and marriage while living in today’s society. Now while I agree with that whole heartedly on most topics of dating and marriage, I did not see this as true when pertaining to our conversation. What my friend was referring to was the idea of two people being able to grind and hustle in a relationship without one of them eventually having to put their passions and ambition to the side to support their significant other. He stated how the Bible references how a woman is to support her husband and that he should be the head of the house. So I explained to him that what he is looking for (a woman with a grind) is not contradictory to the word, but is actually the word itself. I explained to him there is nowhere in the Bible where it says a woman is supposed to lack ambition in order to support her husband. The Bible does give a good example though of how a woman should be, the woman that all men should seek, the Virtuous Woman. The proverbs 31 woman is one men hope to marry and women strive to be… or at least they think they do. It’s interesting to me how so many people can say “I want a virtuous woman,” or “I’m a woman of proverbs 31” without knowing exactly what and who she is.

She works. And the Bible states she does so “willingly.” Many men say they want a virtuous woman yet want her to sit at home while he goes out daily to provide for the family. Well I hate to break it to you sir but….. that is not a virtuous woman. The Bible states that while it is still dark she goes out and provides for her home. She even picks out real estate to help her with business and provide for her family!!! She is far from a woman who expects to be cared for by a man. She still manages to make sure her house is in order. Her ability to grind does not get in the way of her ability to be a wife and a mother, so much so her children call her blessed. Bottom line, her grind is not holding her back from her duties and her duties are not holding her back from her grind.

“…her grind is not holding her back from her duties and her duties are not holding her back from her grind.”

Her husband trusts in her. Even with how busy she is, her husband trusts her to the point that he does not have to step outside of their union. This implies that a virtuous woman knows how to give her husband attention in spite of her grind. She finds time to make him feel needed and wanted enough to the point he completely trusts her. Ladies pay attention though, the word states she will do him NO evil ALL the days of her life. Ladies you have to be willing to do right by him so that he can safely trust his heart to you. Don’t demean, emasculate, put down or hate on your man. Also do not neglect him. If you want to call yourself a virtuous woman you have to be able to balance between working hard and tending to your husband’s needs. Yes that means stop using the excuse you are “too tired.” (Yes I said it) Not only does he need you physically, but he needs you mentally and emotionally. Show him you support him and that you are not in any way trying to take away from his role as the head of your house. Show him you appreciate all he does and make him feel needed. Men that means you also have to be willing to support her in her endeavors. Trust that when she leaves early and comes home late, it’s for the benefit of your family. Know that nothing she ever does is simply for selfish gain. If she is going to be tending to you after a long day of work, the least you can do is completely and utterly trust, support and love her.

“…stop using the excuse you are “too tired.”

She gives back. The virtuous woman is far from selfish. She does not grind hard just to be able to keep it to herself and her family. She gives back to those she feels is less fortunate. She uses what she has to be a blessing to someone else. Men, do not make your wife feel bad when she wants to donate clothes every few months or when she wants to write a nice check to a charity a few times a year. That is what the virtuous woman does. She may want to go to the soup kitchen every week. Let her go. It is in her nature to be giving and caring. So ladies if you are calling yourself a virtuous woman, you must be willing to think about someone other than yourself. You have to genuinely want to give to those around you. Not just for the sake of doing so, but because your heart desires it.

She’s no fool. She is wise. I didn’t say she was smart and educated with three degrees. I said she is wise. There is a difference. Wisdom is having a particular insight and view of the world and everything around you. Wisdom knows when to apply the knowledge that you hold. A virtuous woman also knows to speak with a kind tongue. She understands the power of it therefore she chooses her words wisely. She uses her words to uplift others instead of tearing them down.

She is praised. The people in her life are aware of how precious she is and they appreciate her. They know that she works hard not just for herself, but for the sake of her family. So gentlemen, if you want a virtuous woman, you have to be willing to give her the praise she deserves. Tell her how much you appreciate her; tell her how much you love having her in your life. This woman is a rare find. Her value is more than rubies. Her description begins with “Who can find a virtuous woman?” That alone should tell you that they are not easy to come by. Therefore you should go out your way to show her how much you care because she deserves that and more. Plus a woman who feels appreciated is more inclined to continue doing things for which she will be appreciated. Ladies, if you want to be praised like the virtuous women, you have to do some praise worthy things. The virtuous woman works for every bit of praise she receives. She deserves every ounce of it because she has shown herself to be worthy. All I’m trying to say is that you have to do something to get something.

“…if you want to be praised like the virtuous women, you have to do some praise worthy things.”

Let’s be clear, this does not cover all of what and who a virtuous woman is. That would take a deeper analysis (one I would love to read if anyone is interested in doing so by the way). This does though show that being or being with a virtuous woman is not an easy task. It requires a lot to embody this woman and it takes even more to cherish and keep her. Although the idea of her sounds great, think long and hard before making your request known unto God. Ask yourself “Am I ready for a virtuous woman?” or “Do I have what it takes to be a virtuous woman?” Every man will not get one and every woman will not be one, but that is what makes and keeps her so special.

The moment you should have left….

The idea of a sixth sense that women possess is one that has been around for some time. It is the notion that women have a feeling, one that can’t be explained, towards a situation that ultimately brings awareness. Many believe this intuition to be many things. Some believe it is an instinct while others believe it is coincidence. Me personally I believe it is the Holy Spirit. None the less this intuition has helped to bring light to many situations over the years, particularly in relationships. Most times when people think of women’s intuition kicking in, it is tied to infidelity or lying. There is another time though this intuition is most important. I believe this same intuition resides in men as well. It is before the relationship even starts.

There is a moment when you first meet someone and you two are getting to know one another. Within the first couple of conversations until about the first month or two, there is a moment that intuition starts to kick in. You get through the fog of you hoping he or she is the one and you start to notice things you hadn’t before. Now for the first time in weeks, you are thinking rationally again. You start to think, maybe this isn’t what I thought. Maybe I should go ahead and walk away before this gets too deep. But after a few more dates and conversations with yourself about how you’ve been single for forever and you deserve him or her, you decide to shake off your leeriness and proceed with the relationship. Fast forward to weeks, months or years later and everything your intuition was sending red flags about starts to manifest. All of the characteristics you saw as potential problems start to negatively impact your relationship. Now you’re stuck with having to face the harsh reality that you have to end it, that’s if he or she hasn’t done it already. Fast forward again, this time you’re sitting at home crying with a tub of ice cream watching corny chick flicks thinking about where it went wrong. Well I’ll tell you. You messed up the moment you decided to shake off what your intuition was trying to tell you to run away from. Lord knows I’ve had plenty of moments when I look back and say, “Why didn’t I get out when I had the chance?” When my emotions were not as involved and to walk away wouldn’t hurt. When my time had not been too invested and I could focus the energy elsewhere. I’m sure though that just like myself many of you have done the same thing. Again, why do we ignore what we are blatantly feeling just to end up hurt later on?

We are hoping we are wrong: Deep down inside we are hoping that even though our intuition has never steered us wrong before, this time with this person it’s different. Who wants to be right when you know it’s just going to leave you back single? The problem with this is, you get hurt more when you try to hide how you feel from yourself. I can’t tell you how many times my intuition has kicked in and I deliberately ignored it. Not because I didn’t think what I was feeling was true, but because I didn’t want it to be true. There’s been times when my intuition kicked in, it was almost a moment of disappointment. It was that moment that I realized it wasn’t going to work and that it was the beginning of the end. I instead pushed through, praying that it was just me trying to find something wrong. This only led me to be more frustrated in the end for not listening to myself in the first place. We have to stop hoping we are wrong and start being happy we know how to find out what is right.

He or she is the ideal person: Let me guess, he or she is everything you’ve ever dreamed of right? They are everything you’ve ever asked for? Obviously not if your intuition is sounded off like a tornado warning. Don’t get me wrong, he or she may be a good person, may be close to perfect, just for someone else. Do NOT get caught up into the idea of this person that you become blind to who he or she actually is. Yeah they have a nice body, cute, makes good money, no kids, owns their own home and car and is willing to commit. Sounds great, but don’t forget they are rude, has anger issues, is arrogant, judges you and thinks you being ambitious is stupid. All I’m saying is, when you’re talking about how great this person is, what are you really referring to? Also note that I’m not telling you what characteristics you should and should not deal with. I can’t tell you that. Your intuition will do that for you.

We are tired of being lonely: It can be hard when you have been single for a long time. You can find yourself willing to ignore the spirit just so you could get into a relationship. Many of us get so caught up in the idea that being single is the worst thing on earth, we do anything to get out of it. We know that if we follow our intuition we are going to remain in the very rut we have been trying to get out of. I NOW believe that being single is a beautiful time if properly utilized. But when it is not, it becomes a dangerous space that promotes regrettable behavior. Just learn to be happy in the moment when all you have to worry about growing and becoming a better you. If you think getting into a relationship is going to somehow validate your existence, you don’t need to be in one anyway.

We have to learn how to stop being let down by what our spirit is telling us, and become grateful for the warning. Let me go on record and say that every intuition is not a bad one. Sometimes you just need to be made aware of something so that it can be addressed. The inclination is not always to walk away. That though is why you have to be in tuned and honest with yourself so you can decipher what your intuition is trying to tell you. Let your intuition help guide you. Don’t be afraid of what it is saying. Your heart will thank you later.

Emotional Soul Ties

Within the past few years I have heard more and more about the concept of “soul ties.” A soul tie is said to be a spiritual connection or stronghold created between two people after sleeping with each other. After evaluating my life and others, I see how strong these spiritual holds can be. I think many of us can agree that sex is a sacred act. It is easy to understand how spirits can be intertwined during such a thing and why it is supposed to be reserved for marriage. But I believe that there is a stronghold just as powerful as sex. I believe that the only thing as powerful as opening up your body, is opening up your heart. I know it sounds cliché but I’m serious. You have some people who can sleep with numerous people without thinking twice about it. Two weeks later they can forget their name. There is something though about when you open yourself up emotionally, that you find yourself in the most vulnerable and intimate place with someone.


“I believe that the only thing as powerful as opening up your body, is opening up your heart.”


I first heard the concept of an emotional soul tie months ago during an event at my church. While dialoguing, one of the attendees stated that we never talk or think about the emotional soul ties we deal with. She stated we get emotionally attached to people and struggle trying to let go. When she said it something resonated within me. She’s right!!! Sex is not the only way to get a soul tie. Emotions are another portal to connecting souls. I then began thinking about my own love life. I thought about those times when I couldn’t stop thinking about someone. How even after we decided it wouldn’t work, I still found myself with their lingering presence in my psyche. I would think to myself “thank God we didn’t sleep together.” But what I didn’t think about is that I had already made love to the idea of us being together in my mind. I had already opened up my most intimate place which was my heart. Just like sleeping with someone who did not deserve it, opening your heart too soon can yield the same results. The same way it hurts after sleeping with someone who didn’t care is the same way it hurts loving someone who didn’t and doesn’t love you back.


“But what I didn’t think about is that I had already made love to the idea of us being together in my mind.”


Let’s be real, some of us are so ready to be in love that all a person has to do is tell us that we look nice and smell good and we’re already head over heels. Without any effort from the person we are giving it up with our hearts for the chance that it will make them stay. We let people who have no interest in our hearts have full access to how it operates. We let so many people in that we can’t even keep count of how many people we’ve had to “get over.” Some people may say I’m over exaggerating. We all though, have that one person who we’ve never had any sexual relations with, but could never really shake them off. It’s because we let them into a place that leaves their trace on parts of us no eye can see. We have to learn how to let people work to get inside of our hearts. Steve Harvey in his popular book Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man proposed the idea of a 90 day rule. This 90 day rule was designed for women to not sleep with a man before 90 days of dating him. A way to make him work for the “cookie” as he called it. Now that’s cute and all but what about the rule for not falling too quick? Let’s be honest, some people may already be talking about they’re in love and want to spend their life with someone in 90 days. After three dates they’re running telling their homeboys and home girls that they have found “the one” and don’t even know their birthday. Meanwhile “the one” isn’t even sure if they want to answer your phone calls this week.


“It’s because we let them into a place that leaves their trace on parts of us no eye can see.”


We have to learn how to guard our hearts. We open ourselves up to people so quickly. When are we going to realize that our hearts our included in the temple that we must protect? We have to cherish our hearts the same way we cherish our bodies. Opening up our hearts time and time again puts us in the position to have these emotional soul ties that make it hard to move on when they are gone. Even the word says above all else guard your hearts. Our hearts hold so many things that we cannot afford to let just anyone inside of it. Would you let just anyone in your home or bank account? No. You know you have valuable things in those places. Our hearts are the same. Don’t give just anybody access to those things. We have to learn to only give entry to the heart to those who care about it and understand the value of the things inside it. What is valuable to some is not valuable to all. You have to be patient for someone who values what you have. Stop falling for every pretty smile and nice body that wants to spend some time with you. Wait for someone who wants to not only help you guard the things inside your heart, but also create things to put in it.