So you want or want to be a help meet?

Adam and Eve 2

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Earlier this week during some much needed time studying the word, my spirit nudged me to turn to Genesis chapter 2. I already knew what particular verse God wanted me to see. In verse 18 it states that God felt it was not good for man to be alone so he decided to make a “help meet” for him. I have read this verse numerous times but something on this particular night told me to dig deeper. I am a strong believer in looking up the original meanings of things in the Bible. I understand the Bible we read today is merely a translation so I like to educate myself on the original context of its content. So on this night I decided to look up what this term “help meet” really means. After shouting and throwing things across the room, I knew I had to share this powerful information. I realized too many of us are asking to be or be with a “help meet” and have no clue what we are really asking for. So I will share what I found and I pray it blesses you.

The term “help meet” is the term “ezer kenegdo” in Hebrew. The first word ezer shows up in the Bible numerous times and has a few meanings. The first meaning that made me shout was “savior.” The other meaning is “strength.” Matter of fact, the majority of the time the term ezer was used, it was used in the context of God being an ezer for His people. At this point I was already blown away. This entire time I have been preparing to simply be a “helper” when I should have been preparing to be someone’s strength that saves. First off the fact that the same term to describe God is the same word that is used to describe what a wife is to be for her husband is powerful enough in itself. Then I began to think about how strong women are known to be. Maybe not physically, but mentally and emotionally. It started to make sense because that was our purpose. Women are lifesavers which explains our tendency to always want to be superwoman. The term “savior” was messing me up though. I wondered “so I’m supposed to save a man? From what?” Then it hit me. For we wrestle not against flesh and blood. See I have always believed that women have a divine thing called intuition. I do not believe it is by happen chance women have it. I now believe it is to protect and save our men from the spirits and principalities that he fights daily. Every day we as humans fight things that eyes cannot see. I believe women were created to utilize that intuition when something is wrong to pray through whatever that situation may be. Women are to be the prayer saviors and strength for the men in our lives.

As if that wasn’t enough, I then get to the second word kenegdo. What made this interesting is this word is only used in Genesis chapter 2. It appears nowhere else in the Bible. So it was difficult to even try to understand what the word could mean. Now before I even found out what the word meant I was shouting because obviously a wife is so special, the word used to describe her could not be used for anything else. *insert praise break* When scholars did indeed get an idea for what kenegdo meant, it was confusing. The word roughly translates to “against.” It can also translate to “opposite or in front of.” Some have even translated it to mean “exactly corresponding to.” Now all of this had me shouting because it all made sense. Someone described it as looking in a mirror. It seems like women were made to be the strength that corresponds with a man, his opposite equal in order to save him. In other words, she has what he lacks and uses that to help strengthen him. It reminds me of our hands. Our right and left hands are opposite of each other. They mirror each other. Yet their position makes it to where they correspond with each other in that they can connect. Imagine yourself with two right hands or two left feet. That is how women were created to men. To be in correspondence that together they are effective and serve their purpose.

So let me start with my ladies. Queens, are you ready to be the strength for a man? Are you ready to protect a man in spiritual warfare? Are you ready to help him through being his opposite equal? Or are you hurrying to jump down an isle when you don’t even know what you are trying to sign up for? That’s like applying for a job and not reading the job description to know what all it entails. Then you get confused and frustrated when you are faced with things that require your job duties. Maybe if you read the description ahead of time, you would know what the position requires. Are you ready for the title of ezer kenegdo? Some of you have already been hired and struggling to keep your position because you signed up for something you didn’t know what it was. Can you handle the responsibility it takes? Are you willing to take his spiritual walk in your hands? When is the last time you prayed for the man in your life? You have to be strong spiritually to be a strength for him. Ultimately ladies do you have something to bring to the table? You have to be able to mirror the strengths he has. In other words, don’t expect him to come with everything that will make the relationship work. The other piece of this is that you have to take your position serious. You are supposed to be a savior for him. That means stop nagging that man when he comes through the door. Stop beating him down mentally about all you think he doesn’t do for you. That is not strengthening that man it is weakening him. Then you wonder why the next ezer wants to come and try to save him from you. That’s another post for another day though. Instead of beating him down, go to spiritual battle for him and pray for whatever he is lacking or pray off him what he does not need.

Fellas I have to question you too. Are you sure you are really looking for an ezer kenegdo? Or are you just looking for anybody? You’re saying you’re looking for an executive to help run the company but you’re only interviewing people with entry level skills and qualities. You need to know what is expected in this role before you go trying to give it to someone. You say you love her but she won’t even pray over her food how do you expect her to pray for you? Do you trust her to put your spiritual battle in her hands? Would you put her on the front lines of battle in your spiritual warfare? Is she your corresponding strength? Does she have the things you lack? Here is an even bigger question. Are you willing to be vulnerable enough to let her save you? Are you willing to let her be a strength for you? See society has messed you all up by making you think you have to be the strong one all the time. You are supposed to be the one doing all the saving. Well apparently God saw it different from society. Notice it does not say God saw fit to make someone man can be an ezer kenegdo for. He said I will make him a help meet. So God saw fit to create a woman to be a strength and a saving grace FOR you. You though have to be grateful and willing to allow a woman to do so. Adam was excited when he saw Eve. Will you be the same or will you be afraid and too prideful to let an ezer kenegdo do her job?

Kings and Queens I believe that when you know better you do better. Now that we are equipped with what this position entails, let’s start to take it more seriously than we have. Being a true help meet is not an easy task. It’s one that should not be taken lightly. Ladies we have to start preparing or stepping into what this title really means and fella’s you have to start expecting it. God created woman to be the opposite of man with the strength of God to help him. Anything less than that is coming up short of its intentions. Are you being a true ezer kenegdo? Are you with a true help meet? You might want to find out and adjust accordingly.

Can Attraction and Substance Co-exist?

It’s a Friday night and you’re out hanging with your homeboys/homegirls. In walks a group of what y’all think are attractive people. Everyone in your crew starts to admire the group and you talk amongst yourselves. A statement made in a crew of women may go, “They are so fine. I bet they aint no good.” A statement with a crew of fella’s may be “They all bad. They probably used to dudes jocking them though. They probably just looking for some free drinks all night.” Now I have heard both of these conversations. What amazes me is how we have let society convince us that if a person is deemed attractive to most of society, they have to be either a hoe, liar, cheater, gold digger, game runner or non-committing type of person. We have convinced ourselves that there is no way that a person we are physically attracted to could possibly be a good person to commit to.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard experts, pastors, friends, family and whoever else constantly try to convince people that they might be single because they are trying to find someone who they are attracted to physically. I just can’t understand how wanting to be attracted to your mate is now a reason people are being blamed as to why they are single. Have I heard of stories where people weren’t attracted to each other initially but they grew on each other and fell in love, yes. I’ve also seen someone try something new and get with someone they normally wouldn’t be attracted to and still got played, cheated on and lied to. My point is we cannot base how someone will treat you off of how they physically look. At some point we started convincing people that they have to choose between a person with good looks or a person with substance. My problem is there are too many people who are both.

What kills me is the main people who try to make people rethink physical attraction, are going home with extremely attractive people. Take Devon Franklin for instance. He and his wife Meagan Good just recently wrote a book which I’m sure most of you are aware. One thing he stated was that your spouse may not come how you expect them to. He mentioned physical appearance of a potential mate. The thing that makes me look with the side eye is, Devon, you married Meagan Good. Now I’m a woman who has no shame in saying when the next chick is bad and Meagan Good is indeed fine. So you are going to sit here and tell all these single folks not to have an expectation when you sleep next to Meagan Good every night. And this is the thing, some people may not be attracted to Meagan Good. So for them they don’t think anything of Devon’s statement, but Devon is attracted to her. If he would have said how he never wanted a chick who looked like her but married her anyway then I could understand. I wish he would have said, don’t expect a Meagan Good but don’t rule one out either.

Let’s be clear though, attraction is subjective. What I find attractive may not be what the next person finds attractive. Some people find me attractive while others aren’t attracted to me at all. Therefore telling a person they should try to get with a certain type of person is almost insulting. People make comments like “While you looking for a man who is tall, has abs with waves you better start trying dudes who are short, bald and have a gut.” Or they tell men “you looking for the chick with a small waist, big butt and long hair, you need to find you a good woman who may be wide but she can cook and clean.” What if a woman likes short men with bald heads? What if a man likes his women with some extra weight? Why do the latter descriptions have to be settling type qualities? While some find it to be the light at the end of the single tunnel, I find it insulting.

My other problem with those types of statements is that it makes it seem that good looks and qualities of substance are mutually exclusive. People make it seem like a woman can’t be physically attractive to a man and still know how to cook, clean, support him and hold him down. They act like a man who is physically attractive to a woman can’t be faithful, comfort her and treat her right. This creates a wall where we find ourselves ruling people out because there’s no way someone can look that good and be a good person too. So we treat the people we are attracted to in the context of the stereotype we have placed on them. So now whenever the cute guy comes in the picture, I don’t take none of his genuine gestures seriously because I’m convinced he’s doing this for five other chicks that don’t even exist. The same way the guy who meets the attractive woman and assumes that she has to have a ton of guys blowing up her phone and probably has all of them taking care of her. So he gives her his bare minimum because he knows how “her type” gets down. Then we create this sense of insecurity and frustration because people who believe they are the total package get looked over and can’t understand why no one wants to give them a chance.

Here’s my thought, why don’t we stop basing a person’s character off of physical features. At the end of the day I know some attractive people who are no good and I know some less attractive people who are no good. I know some attractive people who would makes great mates, and I know some less attractive people who would make great mates. At the end of the day we have to stop putting people in a box based on physical features. Not only are we hurting ourselves but we are bruising the psyche’s of the people we try to force in those boxes. Stop with the “you’re to good to be true” phobia we have created. Just give people a chance and decide how you feel based off what they give you, not how they look.


Are we teaching ourselves to break up?


Courtesy of photopin

I remember when a close friend of mine was dating a guy who is still a close acquaintance. One day in the midst of girl talk she told me about his philosophy on relationships. She told me how at the time he had never been in a relationship before. So instantly I began to think, “this man is full of crap.” She then begins to explain the thought process behind his extremity. She told me how he believed that you should only be in a relationship with someone you plan to marry. He told her how he thought that jumping from relationship to relationship, having break up after break up was unhealthy. He held the belief that dating around would make it difficult for someone to want to commit to marriage. That it manifested a “break up culture” if you will. At this point I was completely mind blown because he had taken dating with a purpose to a new level. I then began to ponder his philosophy. Is dating tainting how we look at marriage. Are we becoming complacent in the idea of the break up?

When I really thought about it, he was right. I always say that divorce only becomes an option when you go into a marriage with it as one. I never though thought about what was making that option more relevant and accessible. See things become a lot less scary when you know you always have the option to leave. Initially it doesn’t seem as though it is a bad thing to break up with someone you don’t want to be with. In essence though I get what my brother was saying. Maybe if we entered dating relationships with the same caution of marriage, people will learn early on that walking away is not an option.

Some people may say this is extreme. “How can you know how to be in a marriage if you’ve never been in a committed relationship?” Well my question is how committed were those relationships if they all ended? We make it seem like we have to have been in all these “committed relationships” to understand marriage but the fact is the only committed relationship that counts is the one that leads to marriage. Here me clearly, this is only for the people who desire to be married. I know the more liberal “what if you don’t want to be married” folks are ready to come for my throat so let me clarify. For those who do want to be married, we have to start considering how our dating lives are impacting our subconscious views of commitment.

We look at dating as a precursor and practice to marriage but if you are dating wrong is it still beneficial? We view it like an elimination process if you will. There is nothing wrong with that in a sense, depending on what you are doing while dating. If you enter into a committed relationship with every person you go on a few dates with, you may become desensitized to breaking up. Are we losing the essence of making it work? See it’s hard to stick things out with someone when you know that as soon as they push the right button you have the option to walk away and never deal with them again. Now I’m not saying stick with people just because if the relationship is truly unhealthy to the point of no return. If we acquiesced to this man’s philosophy though, would as many unsalvageable relationships occur in the first place? Would we need to break up as often if we carefully chose the relationships we entered into?

See what we fail to realize is that unfortunately we go into marriages with dating mindsets. Oh I don’t like how he gets when he’s mad, I’ll just dump him. She can’t really cook all that well, I’ll just dump her. We got into an argument and haven’t spoken in two days, we might as well end it. Basically what I’m saying is maybe if we made breaking up less of an option in dating relationships, we may be better equipped to fight for the long haul in our marriages. Now I’m not saying don’t go out on dates and get to know people. But the minute you realize you are not seeing anything in that person that would make you want to commit to them, leave them be. Again, this can be tricky because you may be selling people short too soon. Ultimately if you are not in a place where you know what you want and are willing to give the same in return, don’t even put yourself in the dating pool.

Hear me clearly, I’m not saying this is fool proof or scientifically proven. People are different and every relationship is different. I’ve known people who were in numerous relationships with healthy marriages and people with few relationships under their belt and marriages are jacked. My point is, maybe we should start to covet the relationship that leads to the marriage almost as much as the marriage itself. This way we go into them with caution and purpose. Hopefully this will lead us to less heartbreak and more lifetime commitments.