Can Attraction and Substance Co-exist?

It’s a Friday night and you’re out hanging with your homeboys/homegirls. In walks a group of what y’all think are attractive people. Everyone in your crew starts to admire the group and you talk amongst yourselves. A statement made in a crew of women may go, “They are so fine. I bet they aint no good.” A statement with a crew of fella’s may be “They all bad. They probably used to dudes jocking them though. They probably just looking for some free drinks all night.” Now I have heard both of these conversations. What amazes me is how we have let society convince us that if a person is deemed attractive to most of society, they have to be either a hoe, liar, cheater, gold digger, game runner or non-committing type of person. We have convinced ourselves that there is no way that a person we are physically attracted to could possibly be a good person to commit to.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard experts, pastors, friends, family and whoever else constantly try to convince people that they might be single because they are trying to find someone who they are attracted to physically. I just can’t understand how wanting to be attracted to your mate is now a reason people are being blamed as to why they are single. Have I heard of stories where people weren’t attracted to each other initially but they grew on each other and fell in love, yes. I’ve also seen someone try something new and get with someone they normally wouldn’t be attracted to and still got played, cheated on and lied to. My point is we cannot base how someone will treat you off of how they physically look. At some point we started convincing people that they have to choose between a person with good looks or a person with substance. My problem is there are too many people who are both.

What kills me is the main people who try to make people rethink physical attraction, are going home with extremely attractive people. Take Devon Franklin for instance. He and his wife Meagan Good just recently wrote a book which I’m sure most of you are aware. One thing he stated was that your spouse may not come how you expect them to. He mentioned physical appearance of a potential mate. The thing that makes me look with the side eye is, Devon, you married Meagan Good. Now I’m a woman who has no shame in saying when the next chick is bad and Meagan Good is indeed fine. So you are going to sit here and tell all these single folks not to have an expectation when you sleep next to Meagan Good every night. And this is the thing, some people may not be attracted to Meagan Good. So for them they don’t think anything of Devon’s statement, but Devon is attracted to her. If he would have said how he never wanted a chick who looked like her but married her anyway then I could understand. I wish he would have said, don’t expect a Meagan Good but don’t rule one out either.

Let’s be clear though, attraction is subjective. What I find attractive may not be what the next person finds attractive. Some people find me attractive while others aren’t attracted to me at all. Therefore telling a person they should try to get with a certain type of person is almost insulting. People make comments like “While you looking for a man who is tall, has abs with waves you better start trying dudes who are short, bald and have a gut.” Or they tell men “you looking for the chick with a small waist, big butt and long hair, you need to find you a good woman who may be wide but she can cook and clean.” What if a woman likes short men with bald heads? What if a man likes his women with some extra weight? Why do the latter descriptions have to be settling type qualities? While some find it to be the light at the end of the single tunnel, I find it insulting.

My other problem with those types of statements is that it makes it seem that good looks and qualities of substance are mutually exclusive. People make it seem like a woman can’t be physically attractive to a man and still know how to cook, clean, support him and hold him down. They act like a man who is physically attractive to a woman can’t be faithful, comfort her and treat her right. This creates a wall where we find ourselves ruling people out because there’s no way someone can look that good and be a good person too. So we treat the people we are attracted to in the context of the stereotype we have placed on them. So now whenever the cute guy comes in the picture, I don’t take none of his genuine gestures seriously because I’m convinced he’s doing this for five other chicks that don’t even exist. The same way the guy who meets the attractive woman and assumes that she has to have a ton of guys blowing up her phone and probably has all of them taking care of her. So he gives her his bare minimum because he knows how “her type” gets down. Then we create this sense of insecurity and frustration because people who believe they are the total package get looked over and can’t understand why no one wants to give them a chance.

Here’s my thought, why don’t we stop basing a person’s character off of physical features. At the end of the day I know some attractive people who are no good and I know some less attractive people who are no good. I know some attractive people who would makes great mates, and I know some less attractive people who would make great mates. At the end of the day we have to stop putting people in a box based on physical features. Not only are we hurting ourselves but we are bruising the psyche’s of the people we try to force in those boxes. Stop with the “you’re to good to be true” phobia we have created. Just give people a chance and decide how you feel based off what they give you, not how they look.

 

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