Some months ago I put this quote on Instagram. I was in a place in life at the time that made the post hit home for me. Unfortunately I had brainwashed myself into believing that if a man wasn’t ready for a relationship before meeting me, he should want to get ready once he had met me. I believed that because I am such an amazing woman, a man should want to snatch me up. Finding this statement though opened my eyes to my naïve thinking. All this time I had been looking at this thing backwards. I was thinking a good person comes and then the other person gets ready for them. I see now that a person has to be ready for when a good person comes into their life. This post prompted me into doing a video on periscope, which no one watched. (Yes I’m still salty)  I figured since no one really saw that video, I should write a post on the matter. Here are the things I addressed in the video that I believe pertain to not being ready.

Don’t mistake fear for not being ready…..

I have to make this disclaimer. Too many people are stating they are not ready for a relationship when really they are just afraid to commit to one. Some people may argue that fear is a marker of not being ready. I disagree. Beyonce’ has stated numerous times that she still finds herself getting nervous and afraid before her shows. Now we all know Beyonce’ puts on one impressive show. Her performance shows she is more than ready, but naturally there’s a fear that comes before the performance. It’s the same with relationships. Naturally when you are deciding to open your heart to someone who could potentially shatter your emotion, you get scared. It doesn’t mean you aren’t ready though. You may very well be ready and have convinced yourself you aren’t because you fear getting hurt. Who doesn’t worry about getting hurt? Just know your hesitation has nothing to do with your performance once in the relationship.

Don’t try to force someone to be ready…..

There is nothing worse than trying to force someone into something they are not ready for. You ever forced someone to do something and felt horrible when it completely backfired? It’s not a good feeling. Forcing people into commitments when they are not ready is a good way to have a dissatisfying relationship. You may not necessarily break up, but you definitely won’t be able to enjoy it in the same way you could have if you hadn’t rushed it. For example, you are making pot roast for dinner. You get your potatoes and carrots in there and season it up real good. You are super hungry though and don’t feel like waiting the full three hours for this roast to cook. You decide to crank the oven up to 475 degrees in hopes your roast will cook faster. An hour and a half later you take your roast out the oven and it looks great. It smells good and you are ready to dig in. You go to cut into your roast and low and behold the entire inside is still raw. You can sit there and try to eat raw pot roast but most likely you will have to turn down the oven and put the roast back so the inside can match the outside. How many times have we done this in relationships? How many times have we turned up the heat on someone because we don’t have time to wait, and end up getting into rushed, raw relationships? They look great on the outside but you two know that your relationship is a raw bloody mess. Then you have to turn down the heat and have to start over just so your relationship can match what it looks to be. Stop rushing things and people and let it take the time it needs.

If you’re rushing someone you may not be ready…..

I have to admit this point is for me. Too many times I have found myself trying to force people into things when I knew they weren’t ready. It took me a while to realize though this was a clear indication that I wasn’t ready either. You aren’t ready if you are in a rush for something that is built on patience. If you were as ready as you thought you were for commitment, you would know that you don’t have to force anything that is ready. You would also know that there are going to be other times you will have to be patient with that person. If you forced the relationship out of impatience, what else will you be impatient with? Going back to food (I really love food) have you ever eaten a piece of meat that was rushed to be cooked so then it was tough to chew and harder to swallow? Then there’s a piece of meat that has taken it’s time to cook. That meat you don’t have to force because it’s falling off the bone. But only a person who is ready to be a good cook can grasp that concept. Maybe if you are still rushing things to cook, you aren’t ready to be in the kitchen.

It’s ok to not be ready…..

I really want to stress this point because I think we don’t talk about it enough. I have seen so many people be looked down upon because they aren’t ready to commit. It is ok if you are not ready for a relationship. There is no rule to say when you are supposed to be ready for one either. People have different walks of life with different experiences and we can’t tell someone else what they should or should not be ready for. The key to that though is to be honest and upfront about not being ready. If you are not ready, cool, but don’t string people along and have them thinking you are when you aren’t. Always be upfront with the people you encounter so they can make an informed decision about if they will continue to get to know you or not. Is this an easy conversation to have? Not all the time. Sometimes it is difficult especially if you have met someone who might have been a good catch if you were ready. We have to though stop keeping people in our back pockets hoping they don’t catch on to the fact we aren’t ready just yet. Hoping by the time they start to wonder, you have gotten yourself in order. Give them that option. They may very well be willing to wait. They may tell you no I’m straight and have a nice life. You don’t know until you be honest and tell them where your head is.

I want to stress the importance of both people being ready when moving into a committed relationship. When you rush things knowingly it truly takes away from maximizing the full potential of a relationship. I’m not saying things are going to be perfect and you will never have any problems just because you were both ready. I am saying though that you risk going through more trouble when you force it. Stop pressuring yourself and others to be ready. Also stop saying you are ready but when someone comes all of a sudden you aren’t. Do not let fear paralyze you from moving on with the very thing you were preparing for. It all boils down to being honest with yourself, and being honest with the people you encounter. Honesty will save a lot of people’s hearts from hurt, including yours.