Do we encourage men to settle?

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Courtesy of howafrica.com

In midst of great conversation with a relative during the recent holiday, I decided to pick his brain. In this conversation, he eluded he was remaining in his relationship out of convenience.  I knew this was the case, but there was something about hearing it aloud. This conversation along with others I’ve engaged in has begun to show a pattern. I’m hearing a lot of men who seem to think staying in relationships for the sake of comfortability instead of love is normal. This then made me question what is encouraging this trend. I wonder if society encourages men to settle.

How many times have we seen society preach to women “don’t settle,” “you deserve to be happy.” It hasn’t been until recently that I realized this message doesn’t get told to men. Instead, how many times do we tell men “she’s a good woman, you might as well make it work.” Why don’t we tell men their happiness is just as important? One of my phrases to live by is “a good man or woman doesn’t mean the right man or woman.” Just because she’s fine, can cook and supports you doesn’t mean she’ll make you happy. Some men seem to struggle with this concept. Maybe society has guilted men into believing if they find a good woman they better stay with her so they don’t look like a jerk. I think some men either feel guilty for the dirt from their past or the dirt of their fellow men. So, some good men feel obligated to make things work with some women because they don’t want to be another man that breaks the heart of a good woman. What these men don’t realize is it is ok to date someone and realize that you don’t want to be with that person. Yet so many men stay in relationships they knew they didn’t want to be in after the first month.

What scares me is these same men who stay in undesired relationships then enter undesired marriages. They give as much of themselves as their hearts will allow. What’s even scarier is you can’t tell the difference initially from the man who is happy vs the one who isn’t. To everyone else he seems to be head over heels in love. He does all the things a good man should do. Yet he gets to go each day in the relationship with the weight of knowing he doesn’t want to be with her. Each time he kisses her, he’s reminded the sparks he desires aren’t there.

It’s almost as if society doesn’t care or hasn’t thought about how men feel in relationships. When you look at most relationship blogs, books, or ministries, they are geared towards women. Newsflash society, men desire true love too. Yes, it’s a known fact men express their emotions differently, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t there. Men may not grow up thinking about their dream wedding. Instead they look forward to having their dream wife. They look forward to having a good woman to come home to. A good woman to love, protect and provide for. Yet we forget to support men in the pursuit of that. We make everything towards women. Look at the celibacy/abstinent movement. Society normally encourages it for women.  Why? That’s another post for another day. I will say I think it is partly because society has no reverence for the male body. So, if society doesn’t value the male body, why would it value the male heart?

Kings let me encourage you today. DO NOT stay in unhappy relationships. I know as men you believe in substance and functionality. Therefore, it is hard to justify in your mind leaving a good woman because she doesn’t make you happy. The thing is king, you want to do everything to the best of your ability. The truth is, you will never be the best man you can be to a woman that doesn’t foster happiness within you. You will always find yourself holding back a part of yourself because only a woman who you desire to be with could bring it out of you. I know you’ve told yourself “I don’t want to hurt her.” Well unfortunately you make that possibility higher each day you remain with her knowing your heart isn’t. The truth is both of you deserve better. You deserve someone you want to be with and she deserves someone who wants to be with her. Kings happiness is not just meant for women. Happiness is for everyone.

Now fella’s, don’t read this post and tell your woman I told you to leave her. Every situation is different and you should adequately evaluate what it is about your situation and significant other you aren’t happy with. If you indeed realize you aren’t happy, then it’s time you do some soul searching as to why you decide to stay even though you don’t want to.  Whatever you do, don’t let society, friends or family tell you what you should do. You should do what’s best for you. I just pray that all my kings and queens find the true happiness they all deserve.

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