The Dangerous Desire of Love

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This past week the show Being Mary Jane had its season 4 premiere. This is a show I have somewhat followed for years as it addresses social issues that are not always discussed. It has a reputation of pushing the envelope. This week’s episode did not disappoint. In the beginning of the show, Mary Jane decided she was going to have an escapade of a one night stand with a stranger. While amid the heat of the moment, her mystery man noticed Mary Jane’s uneasiness. He asked if this is what she wanted. After careful consideration, she admitted no. When asked what is it she wanted to make her fantasy come to life, she responded “I want you to tell me you love me.” Her mystery man acquiesced and her fantasy was fulfilled. I don’t know about anyone else but this blew my mind. Here it is a woman has an opportunity to live out a spontaneous sexual fantasy yet she simply wanted to be able to hear “I love you.” For me this showed how at the foundation of a women’s heart, is the desire to be loved.

I think what bothered me most about this scene is it showed how obsessed we can become with being in love. It also revealed to me the true desire of some women’s hearts. Notice she didn’t ask for him to propose. All this time I thought some women had an obsession and unhealthy desire for marriage (really the wedding) when really they just want to be loved. To hear the words “I love you” is really the goal. Now I don’t want to make it seem like there is anything wrong with this. Honestly who doesn’t want to be loved? What I find to be dangerous is how much people, particularly some of my queens, desire this love. Some women become obsessed with this need of love, sometimes causing them to go to extreme measures to obtain it. Maybe everyone isn’t finding strangers in bars to hear I love you on one night stands, but there are other ways that women sometimes show desperation for love. So much so they don’t care if it’s real or not. The beautiful lie of love sometimes becomes just as intoxicating as the real thing.

I just want my queens to know that while being loved is an amazing feeling everyone deserves, it can be dangerous if it becomes a fixation. When you want to be loved more than anything, you find yourself compromising the love that you so desperately desire. When you convince yourself you have to have something, you sometimes start thinking illogically and lose a level head. So the warning signs you see, you ignore. The blatant lack of real love, you turn your head to. Yes, there are times when aggressive desire is needed, such as trying to complete a degree or move up the ranks in a company. Even in those scenarios though, you can compromise your chance by becoming desperate and doing things to jeopardize it. The key is having balance. Desire it enough to position yourself to obtain it, but be ok if you don’t get it right now.

Ladies I don’t want you to think I’m trying to blame you or talk down on you. I know society puts a lot of the pressure on you that contributes to this obsession. Every time you’re with family they’re asking when are you getting married. You have to answer questions like “why are you single” every other day. It almost seems as if society measures a woman’s success by her ability to be loved by a man. So no, it is not all your fault for your desire to be loved. Society has been brainwashing you since you were old enough to date that you must obtain love. I’m here to tell you Queen, being loved is a joy to experience, not a goal to achieve.

To all my Mary Jane’s in the world, I hope you see it doesn’t have to be this way. Don’t allow the pressures of society to get you thrown off. You can desire to be loved without being consumed by it.  Find the balance in your desire and watch your fixation simply become a wishful expectation. Don’t compromise what you want by compromising yourself to get it. So queens relax, breath and adjust your crown and your thinking.

The Power of Support

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First let me start off by saying happy New Year everyone!!!! I am absolutely loving all the positive energy about 2017 thus far. One thing I noticed trending for this year is stepping out on faith for new endeavors. I love anytime someone decides to go for their dreams. As this year progresses and the people in our lives take huge leaps of faith, let’s remember to support them. This seems obvious to most but many are struggling with this simple concept, especially in relationships.

There is something about having your significant other support your endeavors. While we appreciate the support from other loved ones such as friends, family and acquaintances, the support from your love means something different. So much so, their support is sometimes desired more than anyone else’s. It makes you feel like you can do anything because the person by your side believes in you. I think we have either lost faith or underestimated the power of supporting the ones we love. Sometimes we may think it means putting ourselves on the backburner while we tend to the dreams of someone else. I also think sometimes people genuinely don’t think it means that much. Some people don’t know how impactful the phrase “I support you” really is.

First off, support is not just a benefit to the other person. When a person feels supported, they tend to show their love and affection more. Especially for those of us whose love language is words of affirmation. Encouraging words will fill our love tanks quickly. We then in turn have love to pour out on you. I’ll be honest though, supporting is not always easy. The bigger the aspiration, the more needed support. Yet and still, the reward will come for the effort.

Queens, I’ll start with you. We must learn to tap into the mighty power of supporting our Kings. I know there are plenty of other things that will keep a man, but not supporting him is a good way to lose him. How many times have we seen a woman that seems to have it “all” lose her man to a woman that doesn’t. A lot of times the new woman knew how to support the man. She made him feel like what he was doing was possible. Now I’m not saying every man that doesn’t feel supported is going to leave for another woman. I’m just saying when men do leave, lack of support is sometimes the reason. Rest assured though, if you want to build a disconnect, don’t support your man. We have to understand that a King feels most powerful when his Queen reigns beside him. A man feels like he can conquer the world when his woman shows him support. His confidence is raised which gives him the motivation to make her proud in all areas. If you seem like you don’t support what he does, he will feel disconnected and disappointed.

Now Kings, please don’t think this is one-sided. Queens need support as well. Women are killing the game right now in regards to entrepreneurship. They are stepping into their promises and making their dreams happen. It’s nice knowing the man by their side believes in what they are doing. Women like to know that what they are pursuing is just as important to their man as it is to them. They want to know you are invested into them. For a woman, supporting her shows your love for her. It is already hard enough for women sometimes being in a patriarchal society. They like to know their efforts are being supported by the men in their lives. The same rule applies as far as the benefits are concerned. When a woman feels supported, she will show just how pleased she is about it to her man. With no support, a woman will become distant and unhappy.

One thing to highlight, is support is not just limited to business ventures and dreams. Support encompasses all. Maybe your significant other wants to lose weight, pay off some debt or pick up a hobby. These things are just as important. Show them you support their effort for growth and change. It’s not easy taking these steps but it’s even harder when the one you love doesn’t show their faith in your ability to do so. So many times, people say they want their significant others to change yet when they try to, people give no effort to support that change. Don’t count out the moments where support comes in different forms. It all means just the same.

A major point that must be addressed is showing your support. Yes, it is nice to say things like “I believe in you” or “I think you’re going to do great things.” Sometimes though, you have to show it just as much as you say you believe it. If your boo wants to lose weight, go with them to the gym sometimes. If they are opening a business, buy them a book that shows them how to manage it. If they started painting as a hobby, pick up a brush one night and paint together. Sometimes it is the action behind the words of encouragement that solidify your effort.

So as we embark on this magical journey of 2017, I wish you all nothing but success on the things you have set to accomplish. Let’s all be sure to support one another. Most of all, for all my love birds out there, be sure to let your lover know you support what they are doing. Let them know you believe in them and then show them just how much you do. Never let them forget you are their #1 fan. Tap into the power of support today and watch it transform you both. Remember, you got this!!!!!