Courtesy of leighmuentes.com

This past week the show Being Mary Jane had its season 4 premiere. This is a show I have somewhat followed for years as it addresses social issues that are not always discussed. It has a reputation of pushing the envelope. This week’s episode did not disappoint. In the beginning of the show, Mary Jane decided she was going to have an escapade of a one night stand with a stranger. While amid the heat of the moment, her mystery man noticed Mary Jane’s uneasiness. He asked if this is what she wanted. After careful consideration, she admitted no. When asked what is it she wanted to make her fantasy come to life, she responded “I want you to tell me you love me.” Her mystery man acquiesced and her fantasy was fulfilled. I don’t know about anyone else but this blew my mind. Here it is a woman has an opportunity to live out a spontaneous sexual fantasy yet she simply wanted to be able to hear “I love you.” For me this showed how at the foundation of a women’s heart, is the desire to be loved.

I think what bothered me most about this scene is it showed how obsessed we can become with being in love. It also revealed to me the true desire of some women’s hearts. Notice she didn’t ask for him to propose. All this time I thought some women had an obsession and unhealthy desire for marriage (really the wedding) when really they just want to be loved. To hear the words “I love you” is really the goal. Now I don’t want to make it seem like there is anything wrong with this. Honestly who doesn’t want to be loved? What I find to be dangerous is how much people, particularly some of my queens, desire this love. Some women become obsessed with this need of love, sometimes causing them to go to extreme measures to obtain it. Maybe everyone isn’t finding strangers in bars to hear I love you on one night stands, but there are other ways that women sometimes show desperation for love. So much so they don’t care if it’s real or not. The beautiful lie of love sometimes becomes just as intoxicating as the real thing.

I just want my queens to know that while being loved is an amazing feeling everyone deserves, it can be dangerous if it becomes a fixation. When you want to be loved more than anything, you find yourself compromising the love that you so desperately desire. When you convince yourself you have to have something, you sometimes start thinking illogically and lose a level head. So the warning signs you see, you ignore. The blatant lack of real love, you turn your head to. Yes, there are times when aggressive desire is needed, such as trying to complete a degree or move up the ranks in a company. Even in those scenarios though, you can compromise your chance by becoming desperate and doing things to jeopardize it. The key is having balance. Desire it enough to position yourself to obtain it, but be ok if you don’t get it right now.

Ladies I don’t want you to think I’m trying to blame you or talk down on you. I know society puts a lot of the pressure on you that contributes to this obsession. Every time you’re with family they’re asking when are you getting married. You have to answer questions like “why are you single” every other day. It almost seems as if society measures a woman’s success by her ability to be loved by a man. So no, it is not all your fault for your desire to be loved. Society has been brainwashing you since you were old enough to date that you must obtain love. I’m here to tell you Queen, being loved is a joy to experience, not a goal to achieve.

To all my Mary Jane’s in the world, I hope you see it doesn’t have to be this way. Don’t allow the pressures of society to get you thrown off. You can desire to be loved without being consumed by it.  Find the balance in your desire and watch your fixation simply become a wishful expectation. Don’t compromise what you want by compromising yourself to get it. So queens relax, breath and adjust your crown and your thinking.