Why Men REALLY Won’t Commit; The Role Women Play

 

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Courtesy of lakianichole.com

Over the holiday break while I was browsing through my timeline, I came across a Derrick Jaxn video entitled “Why He Won’t Commit but Won’t Leave You Alone.” I instantly clicked on the video because I was intrigued as to what he would say is the cause. In a nutshell, he said something I have been saying for years but many women, myself included, tend to keep messing up. Some women feel this is an issue to blame on men. While I always believe everyone plays a part, I think women have to admit the part played in the lack of commitment from some men.

My favorite part of the video was him stating that a man is not a bad man because he doesn’t commit but continues to hang around. I’m sure some women feel as though this is unfair and that no one should lead someone on. Technically, they aren’t leading anyone on. They have shown you they aren’t trying to commit to you, but you insist on trying to prove to them you will be great anyway. But the truth is, it is easy for us to allow people to do nice things for us and be there for us even though we know we don’t share the same sentiment. Ladies how many times have you allowed men to wine and dine you, knowing you have no interest in them? Or how many times have you let him be your shoulder to cry on and go to person knowing he really cares about you but he’s deep in the friendzone? Yet you don’t see anything wrong with it. Why? Because it’s nice getting the best parts of someone without the hassle and frustration of unwarranted emotions that come from being romantically involved. If I can get your friendship, laughs, support and fun time without having to cater and commit to you, why not do so?

I know it seems I have been on a kick lately of trying to come for the ladies. That is not the case at all. This post is more endearing then it may sound. We’ve all been there. Hurt, feeling broken and frustrated. Mad yet again because another man wasted your time. Mad because another guy led you on. Mad because he didn’t commit to you. You felt you did everything you were supposed to and it wasn’t enough. Well, I hate to be the bearer of bad news but the men may not be all to blame.

Unfortunately, too many women are putting in volunteer work expecting to get paid. They are putting in work for a company that hasn’t even hired them yet. You interviewed for the position and just started showing up for work. Then you get mad when pay day rolls around and you don’t have a check. You can get mad at the company all you want but they are not obligated to pay you for what you’ve done. Just because you decide to support a man, be a great friend to him, compliment him and potentially even sleep with him does not mean he is obligated to do the same. It also does not obligate him to give you the position. You think if you work hard enough he’ll see what a great job you do and be ready to wife you. In actuality, it just shows him he doesn’t have to give you a title to get your best work.

One thing I admire about men is they will not enter into something they do not see is beneficial for them. They exert minimal effort until they see the benefit of it. A lesson women could use. Therefore, a man will not give you the position you want unless you have shown that there is something he’ll gain by giving it to you. Most men would love to give the position to women. They aren’t trying to be facetious when not committing, they just haven’t seen the benefit of the headache that will come with committing to you. They haven’t seen where the benefit will outweigh the frustration. Seems harsh? Maybe, but true nonetheless. Relationships are work and come with aggravating times. A man knows his emotions will be impacted and his nerves will be worked. Therefore, he must know that along with that, he’ll get an amazing woman whose positives make the frustration worth it. Again, if a woman is giving all the positives without having a commitment, there will be nothing to motivate him to take on the frustrations of a commitment.

I know it seems backwards to women because it is not how we think. You should be willing to understand how the man sees it if you are going to get out of the lack of commitment rut you are in. Nothing hurts worse than having to admit you are the reason men won’t commit to you. It also feels better to place the blame elsewhere. If anything, use this as a chance to empower yourself. When you know better you do better. Now you know to only give so much of yourself up front. You only have to show your potential through minimal effort. You do not have to give everything you have to a man for him to want to commit. Stop letting the fear of loneliness trick you into volunteering your best work for a paid position. Showing up early and staying late, bringing the coffee and doing all the work will not get you the position any faster. If anything, it will delay your hiring process. It will not make you stand out among the other applicants who want the position either. If anything, he’ll end up choosing the one who did the least amount of work, because he was intrigued to see what he could get once he chose her. You have the power to get the commitment you desire. The key is to do just enough to show what you are capable of. Not do everything.

I hope this helps. I just want everyone to get the love and commitment they desire. Men are not bad people because they allow you to do things for them and not commit to you. They are simply human. It is time for women to scale back and allow themselves to be offered the position they desire without begging for it through acts of desperation. Ladies you don’t have to fear he won’t choose you. You just have to be confident in what you can do and will be in a relationship. I look forward to seeing you get what you want.

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Do Women Expect Men to Deal with Nagging?

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courtesy of greennewes.ng

We’ve seen them a million times. The hilarious memes and videos about a woman getting on her man’s nerves, arguing and nagging and then expecting him to be ok with it. They joke about accusing him of things he didn’t do and then offering insincere apologies. We see these things and we laugh, myself included, but the truth is, it’s a sad reality for some men and for them it is not a laughing matter.

Ladies, the truth is men are getting tired of our stuff. Now I know I have some women looking at their screen crazy like “is she serious?” Yes. Very serious. I know we have all had those men in our lives who was no good, they didn’t contribute to the relationship and drug us through the mud. If you follow my blog, you would know I am not talking about that man. We have to stop acting as though that’s the only man that exists. We also need to stop acting as if men are the only ones who mess up in relationships. Every break up is not caused by a man. My point is, men are getting tired of constantly dealing with bad attitudes, nagging and complaining and then expected to just be ok with it.

How many times have women cussed out their man, fussed for no reason or jumped to a conclusion and then half behind apologized for it. Then had the audacity to think he was supposed to just accept it and act as if nothing ever happened. We joke about it, but the truth is men get tired of that. Then when he does something like forget to take the trash out, didn’t notice you got your eyebrows done, or took too long to text you back, now he’s getting the cold shoulder for two weeks. How Sway? So, women can act up when they feel like it and men are supposed to just ignore it? But men make a mistake and they have to work overtime to get into a woman’s good graces?

Let me put this out there before people get defensive, I know this is not every woman. Some women don’t trip over small things and expect their man to just fall back in line. Some women do what they must to keep from nagging, complaining, and jumping to conclusions. Some women understand the importance of being a man’s peace. Just keep in mind though, everyone is human and even the coolest and most laid-back chick can find herself tripping and wanting him to just forget about it.

What makes it worse is that women then get mad at men for being mad at them. Who cares about the fact she ruined his day with her nagging and complaints, he doesn’t have the right to be mad at her. Let’s face it, this behavior gets old to men and they indeed get angry and frustrated. There are times they want to ignore you too, and they might!!! This doesn’t mean you turn up the petty and ignore him harder. No, this means you work to rectify the situation as you would want him to do for you.

See this sounds foreign because society and social media has made women believe that a good woman doesn’t have to put in any work. That a good man should always be the one doing the work because he should just be thankful to be with her. So now when it is time for a woman to put in work for something she messed up, she tells herself, “I don’t have to do this, I shouldn’t have to prove myself to get back on his good side. If he loved me he would understand that’s just how I am.” Meanwhile he has to buy candy, flowers and dinner and call three times a day when he messes up.

Essential point, it just isn’t fair. Women have to put in work too. Women mess up too. Women have to get back in good graces too!!! Women have to stop expecting men to just take their mess. “Well men expect women to just take their mess.” No, childish men who have no desire to grow expect women to take their mess, kind of like the women who expect men to simply take their stuff. What some women don’t understand is real, grown men are not about to play the foolish games with a woman. He’s not about to deal with the accusations, the unnecessary arguing, or all the complaints. A real man doesn’t think any of that is cute. Yes, I understand some men have their faults, but at what point do women stop pointing the finger and take responsibility?

Ladies I hope you understand it is all love. I wrote this because I want the best for you. I want women to understand the damage they cause to a relationship when expecting a man to always put up with foolishness. Sometimes women do things that upset and frustrate men. Women should be willing to put in the same amount of work to get back in their good graces that they would expect if the shoe was on the other foot. I’m just trying to make sure women don’t get caught up in the hype of social media that they start to believe this behavior is acceptable or fair. If as a woman you mess up, it’s ok to apologize and it’s ok to show you are sorry. Putting in work is for everybody, not just men.