As usual, I had a great conversation with one of my friends that resulted in amazing discussion. When I mentioned a blog post, he excitingly expressed the title, “stop selling yourself short.” He then began to talk about how people need to know their worth in order to stop selling themselves short. While I agreed, I expressed I wanted to go deeper. While I believe knowing one’s worth is always important, I think there is more to this.
I think many of us sell ourselves short in dating. I don’t think the issue is knowing your worth, I think it is remembering it. The truth is, many people know they deserve more than they accept. The issue comes when we act in a way that goes against our worth. Deep down in our souls we can feel when we are getting less than we deserve. We know we should speak up for ourselves. Instead we tell our inner self to be quiet because “we’ve waited too long for this.”
I realized for myself and many others that when we meet people we like, we find ourselves going into performance mode. We forget that we do not have to prove ourselves to others. That someone should love us for who we are, not what we do. Yet we forget that and put our value on the shelf for the sake of getting someone to love us.
Stop allowing people to get the best of you without having to work for it. I know it’s hard when you have waited so long to give yourself to someone. When it felt like you were never going to catch the attention of someone you actually like. That is still not a reason for you to start giving all of yourself. It does not matter how thick his beard, how small her waist, how funny his jokes or how stimulating her conversation, you DO NOT start giving so much of yourself until they have proven they are worthy. The problem is we think being worthy is simply being a good person. No, being worthy is showing they actually want your heart and is willing to care for it. They are willing to work for your love and affection. Newsflash: Just because they are a good person does not mean they will be good to you. They have to WANT to give that to you. You sell yourself short every time you start overly supporting, overly complimenting, overly everything. It reeks of desperation and fear.
Every time you perform beyond your role, you start selling yourself short. Now I know there are people right now saying this isn’t true. That they married their significant other because they showed them what they were getting ahead of time. Key words, SIGNIFICANT OTHER!!! You have to get in the relationship first. Folks can’t even get in the relationship and they’re already leaving notes on the mirror in the morning, washing clothes and being number one fans.
You’re sitting at home frustrated because you don’t know where y’all stand. Yet you continue to give it your all in hopes they will see what you’re worth. The truth is, there is a part of you that is afraid that if you tell them what you really want, that you’ll scare them off and they’ll leave. So you keep it to yourself in hopes all that you do for them will be enough to make them see it on their own. Listen, you don’t have to be afraid of expressing what you really want. Plus it helps you to not waste time. So what if they walk away? Who cares?! How many times have you been left hurt because you poured yourself into yet another person and didn’t get it in return. Better the initial sting then the long and painful agony of emptiness.
There is another option though that too many of us forget. What if they will actually meet your demands? What if they are actually willing to love you like you want to be loved? What if she’ll actually speak into you and support your dreams? What if he’ll actually romance you and comfort you when life gets tough? This is the biggest reason why you have to stop selling yourself short. You don’t know what you could get if you would simply ask.
It’s always hilarious to me though how we can stick to our guns when we are dealing with someone we don’t like. “Don’t text me after 10pm, I have respect” or “I don’t appreciate you expecting me to do things for you.” Somehow you get amnesia when someone cute that you like comes around. They text you at 12:21am and before 12:22am you’re responding with a blushing emoji. She doesn’t even ask how your day was, but you break your neck to drop her off the food she asked for. No, you need to keep your standards across the board. Whether he looks like Chadwick Boseman (yes Lord!!!) or Jerome from Martin. Whether she looks like Kelly Rowland or Shanaynay, you have to keep your boundaries the same.
We always tell people to not deal with men who play games. Don’t deal with the woman who can’t appreciate a good man. Selling yourself short is not just about who you choose but how you choose them. I have dealt with some amazing men in my life. How I chose to deal with those amazing men made more of a difference than the men themselves. If you’re not careful, you can sell yourself short by doing so much, you cause a great person to perform at lower levels than they are capable. In a sense, when you sell yourself short, you sell them short too.
As always, I’m just here to encourage. I want you to stop discounting yourself from fear that people won’t be willing to pay the full price. I’m not saying you can be bought, I’m simply saying you can be earned. You don’t have to bend over backwards for every cute woman or man you meet. Do not let whether you like someone be the determining factor of how hard someone has to work for you. You’ll never get what you want if you never act like that’s what you want. Now let’s act accordingly😊