First off, let me apologize for the wait. Life is real, LOL, but I’m back nonetheless. I just thank you all for your patience. Now, to the point of this post. For years I have heard people say phrases such as, “if I can just get closure,” or “if we can just talk one last time then I’ll be ok.” I think many people believe closure is the magic answer to healing. I believed in this notion for years. Over time though, I realized this idea of closure may not be the answer to getting the healing one desires.
One of the things that people misunderstand about closure, is that it comes with answers. We then believe those answers are going to help us move on from the situation. We typically envision this movie like scenario in our heads. We meet up with the person and we have this amazing conversation. We ask every question that has crossed our minds since our last encounter. They answer every question with complete honesty (and to your liking), then you walk away feeling great because now you know “the truth.”
The truth is, sometimes, having that conversation will leave you with more questions than answers. Sometimes you leave aggravated and frustrated. Sometimes they say something that gets on your nerves and reminds you why you two didn’t work out. Sometimes you don’t like what they say. In other words, sometimes trying to get closure through them, leaves us more hurt than healed.
Now, if you’re anything like me, I just like to ask the question. I don’t care what the answer is because I already know 9 times out of 10, they don’t have one. But there is something about never getting a chance to ask. The idea of never asking even though you always wanted to know. If that is the case, if you just have to ask the tough questions, you must be willing to receive whatever answer they give. You even have to be willing to accept if they don’t have one. The harsh reality is they may not have a clue why they never committed or why they broke up so abruptly. They can’t give you an answer they don’t have.
Because honestly, you’re not seeking answers you’re seeking healing. You want to stop hurting. You want something to make the pain go away. You want to make sense of what happened. You want understanding. The harsh reality most people must face though, is that those words may never come. Or the opportunity to see them may not happen. Does that mean you just never get to heal? Does that mean you just stay hurt forever?
Let me be clear, I’m not saying having one last conversation isn’t beneficial. Some people can have a conversation and it is extremely healing. They are able to bring clarity to things previously. They talk like mature adults and they both leave with a clear understanding of what happened, what went wrong and apologized for any hurt caused. This does exist. This result though, requires for both parties to be ready to have this conversation and willing to be honest in a respectful way.
The other option people tend to forget, is having a conversation after you both have moved on and healed. I know it seems redundant to some, but sometimes to get the mature conversation I spoke of, you need to have already healed. “Well if I healed already, why do I need to talk to them?” Great question. You may realize you don’t need to. For others, they just want to address any unfinished business that may have come from the situation. Either way, when or why you have the conversation is completely up to you.
What I want you to understand is, closure does not have to come through contact. You never have to say another word to the person to gain the closure you desire. A question I have posed countless times to friends, clients, and myself is, “what if you never get the answer or apology you’re looking for?” I don’t ask this to be negative or spiteful. I’m asking to help them see they are taking a chance on not getting healing. I want them to see healing doesn’t have to come through the person who hurt them in the first place. It’s like asking the person who left the door open on their way out, to come back and close the door after they are long gone. Yes, they left the door open, so it seems only fair for them to close it. If they never come back though, are you just going to keep staring at the open door? Or, do you finally get up and shut the door yourself. Yes, they hurt you, so you want answers. You think it’s the least they can do since they left. If you keep waiting for them to come back to close the door to your broken heart though, you may be waiting forever.
To bring it all full circle, can getting closure help? Absolutely. Closure is freeing!!! Does closure have to happen a particular way? Absolutely not. There are multiple ways to get closure, and some of them don’t have to include the person you are getting closure from. Check out some HERE. If you just want to take your chances and connect to them for the sake of closure, then go for it. Just know that can go multiple ways. I just want you to know that healing does not have to be placed in the hands of the person who hurt you. You can take total control and get the closure you need without the risk of hurting yourself all over again. Even if that means healing first and talking to them later. So, for anyone seeking closure, you got this!!! Happy healing😊