Why Men REALLY Won’t Commit; The Role Women Play

 

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Courtesy of lakianichole.com

Over the holiday break while I was browsing through my timeline, I came across a Derrick Jaxn video entitled “Why He Won’t Commit but Won’t Leave You Alone.” I instantly clicked on the video because I was intrigued as to what he would say is the cause. In a nutshell, he said something I have been saying for years but many women, myself included, tend to keep messing up. Some women feel this is an issue to blame on men. While I always believe everyone plays a part, I think women have to admit the part played in the lack of commitment from some men.

My favorite part of the video was him stating that a man is not a bad man because he doesn’t commit but continues to hang around. I’m sure some women feel as though this is unfair and that no one should lead someone on. Technically, they aren’t leading anyone on. They have shown you they aren’t trying to commit to you, but you insist on trying to prove to them you will be great anyway. But the truth is, it is easy for us to allow people to do nice things for us and be there for us even though we know we don’t share the same sentiment. Ladies how many times have you allowed men to wine and dine you, knowing you have no interest in them? Or how many times have you let him be your shoulder to cry on and go to person knowing he really cares about you but he’s deep in the friendzone? Yet you don’t see anything wrong with it. Why? Because it’s nice getting the best parts of someone without the hassle and frustration of unwarranted emotions that come from being romantically involved. If I can get your friendship, laughs, support and fun time without having to cater and commit to you, why not do so?

I know it seems I have been on a kick lately of trying to come for the ladies. That is not the case at all. This post is more endearing then it may sound. We’ve all been there. Hurt, feeling broken and frustrated. Mad yet again because another man wasted your time. Mad because another guy led you on. Mad because he didn’t commit to you. You felt you did everything you were supposed to and it wasn’t enough. Well, I hate to be the bearer of bad news but the men may not be all to blame.

Unfortunately, too many women are putting in volunteer work expecting to get paid. They are putting in work for a company that hasn’t even hired them yet. You interviewed for the position and just started showing up for work. Then you get mad when pay day rolls around and you don’t have a check. You can get mad at the company all you want but they are not obligated to pay you for what you’ve done. Just because you decide to support a man, be a great friend to him, compliment him and potentially even sleep with him does not mean he is obligated to do the same. It also does not obligate him to give you the position. You think if you work hard enough he’ll see what a great job you do and be ready to wife you. In actuality, it just shows him he doesn’t have to give you a title to get your best work.

One thing I admire about men is they will not enter into something they do not see is beneficial for them. They exert minimal effort until they see the benefit of it. A lesson women could use. Therefore, a man will not give you the position you want unless you have shown that there is something he’ll gain by giving it to you. Most men would love to give the position to women. They aren’t trying to be facetious when not committing, they just haven’t seen the benefit of the headache that will come with committing to you. They haven’t seen where the benefit will outweigh the frustration. Seems harsh? Maybe, but true nonetheless. Relationships are work and come with aggravating times. A man knows his emotions will be impacted and his nerves will be worked. Therefore, he must know that along with that, he’ll get an amazing woman whose positives make the frustration worth it. Again, if a woman is giving all the positives without having a commitment, there will be nothing to motivate him to take on the frustrations of a commitment.

I know it seems backwards to women because it is not how we think. You should be willing to understand how the man sees it if you are going to get out of the lack of commitment rut you are in. Nothing hurts worse than having to admit you are the reason men won’t commit to you. It also feels better to place the blame elsewhere. If anything, use this as a chance to empower yourself. When you know better you do better. Now you know to only give so much of yourself up front. You only have to show your potential through minimal effort. You do not have to give everything you have to a man for him to want to commit. Stop letting the fear of loneliness trick you into volunteering your best work for a paid position. Showing up early and staying late, bringing the coffee and doing all the work will not get you the position any faster. If anything, it will delay your hiring process. It will not make you stand out among the other applicants who want the position either. If anything, he’ll end up choosing the one who did the least amount of work, because he was intrigued to see what he could get once he chose her. You have the power to get the commitment you desire. The key is to do just enough to show what you are capable of. Not do everything.

I hope this helps. I just want everyone to get the love and commitment they desire. Men are not bad people because they allow you to do things for them and not commit to you. They are simply human. It is time for women to scale back and allow themselves to be offered the position they desire without begging for it through acts of desperation. Ladies you don’t have to fear he won’t choose you. You just have to be confident in what you can do and will be in a relationship. I look forward to seeing you get what you want.

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Do Women Expect Men to Deal with Nagging?

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courtesy of greennewes.ng

We’ve seen them a million times. The hilarious memes and videos about a woman getting on her man’s nerves, arguing and nagging and then expecting him to be ok with it. They joke about accusing him of things he didn’t do and then offering insincere apologies. We see these things and we laugh, myself included, but the truth is, it’s a sad reality for some men and for them it is not a laughing matter.

Ladies, the truth is men are getting tired of our stuff. Now I know I have some women looking at their screen crazy like “is she serious?” Yes. Very serious. I know we have all had those men in our lives who was no good, they didn’t contribute to the relationship and drug us through the mud. If you follow my blog, you would know I am not talking about that man. We have to stop acting as though that’s the only man that exists. We also need to stop acting as if men are the only ones who mess up in relationships. Every break up is not caused by a man. My point is, men are getting tired of constantly dealing with bad attitudes, nagging and complaining and then expected to just be ok with it.

How many times have women cussed out their man, fussed for no reason or jumped to a conclusion and then half behind apologized for it. Then had the audacity to think he was supposed to just accept it and act as if nothing ever happened. We joke about it, but the truth is men get tired of that. Then when he does something like forget to take the trash out, didn’t notice you got your eyebrows done, or took too long to text you back, now he’s getting the cold shoulder for two weeks. How Sway? So, women can act up when they feel like it and men are supposed to just ignore it? But men make a mistake and they have to work overtime to get into a woman’s good graces?

Let me put this out there before people get defensive, I know this is not every woman. Some women don’t trip over small things and expect their man to just fall back in line. Some women do what they must to keep from nagging, complaining, and jumping to conclusions. Some women understand the importance of being a man’s peace. Just keep in mind though, everyone is human and even the coolest and most laid-back chick can find herself tripping and wanting him to just forget about it.

What makes it worse is that women then get mad at men for being mad at them. Who cares about the fact she ruined his day with her nagging and complaints, he doesn’t have the right to be mad at her. Let’s face it, this behavior gets old to men and they indeed get angry and frustrated. There are times they want to ignore you too, and they might!!! This doesn’t mean you turn up the petty and ignore him harder. No, this means you work to rectify the situation as you would want him to do for you.

See this sounds foreign because society and social media has made women believe that a good woman doesn’t have to put in any work. That a good man should always be the one doing the work because he should just be thankful to be with her. So now when it is time for a woman to put in work for something she messed up, she tells herself, “I don’t have to do this, I shouldn’t have to prove myself to get back on his good side. If he loved me he would understand that’s just how I am.” Meanwhile he has to buy candy, flowers and dinner and call three times a day when he messes up.

Essential point, it just isn’t fair. Women have to put in work too. Women mess up too. Women have to get back in good graces too!!! Women have to stop expecting men to just take their mess. “Well men expect women to just take their mess.” No, childish men who have no desire to grow expect women to take their mess, kind of like the women who expect men to simply take their stuff. What some women don’t understand is real, grown men are not about to play the foolish games with a woman. He’s not about to deal with the accusations, the unnecessary arguing, or all the complaints. A real man doesn’t think any of that is cute. Yes, I understand some men have their faults, but at what point do women stop pointing the finger and take responsibility?

Ladies I hope you understand it is all love. I wrote this because I want the best for you. I want women to understand the damage they cause to a relationship when expecting a man to always put up with foolishness. Sometimes women do things that upset and frustrate men. Women should be willing to put in the same amount of work to get back in their good graces that they would expect if the shoe was on the other foot. I’m just trying to make sure women don’t get caught up in the hype of social media that they start to believe this behavior is acceptable or fair. If as a woman you mess up, it’s ok to apologize and it’s ok to show you are sorry. Putting in work is for everybody, not just men.

The Broken Woman

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Courtesy of campustyle.com.ng

 

First off let me apologize for my absence. I promise to try to never go this long without posting again!!! My last post was on the Broken Man. Read it here. At the time I wrote it I didn’t think I would write a female version of the post. I felt it would be too obvious. I then realized regardless of how obvious it is that there are broken women, the reason behind the brokenness runs deeper than the surface level thoughts people may attribute it to. Obvious or not, it still needs to be addressed. So, here it is.

Just like with the broken man, society creates the broken woman. If you haven’t figured it out already, societal pressures can break people. See, society has been putting into the heads of women since they were young girls that their value is placed in their desirability of a mate. We teach women that single means defected. Therefore, women find themselves going above and beyond to obtain the holy grail which is companionship and love. This becomes detrimental because they go to any lengths to obtain it. So much so, they spend years of their lives in unhealthy situations because they would rather be broken in a bad relationship then be whole or even broken alone.

Unlike the broken man, the broken woman does not hop from relationship to relationship to run from herself, but instead to try to find herself. She thinks her identity is formed in her connection to a significant other. Unfortunately, she doesn’t realize that she loses more of herself each time she places HER identity into another human being.

While women are allowed to feel and heal from past hurts, they are only allowed to do so within the parameters society gives them.  If they take too long to heal they are pathetic. If they heal too fast they are thirsty and a serial monogamist. Even in this jaded healing, she is never really allowed to admit just how hurt she was. She also is expected to heal over and over again without ever becoming impacted or jaded by what she’s been through. Because remember, she needs to keep her eyes on the prize and get that perfect relationship that doesn’t exist. The relationship she is starting to lose faith in because she has been hurt so much.

Ladies, let me reassure you that your worth is not attached or impacted by your relationship status. Not having a significant other does not make you some broken toy that no one wants to play with. What breaks you is your constant pursuit of love despite of not healing from the unsuccessful attempts previously. As for the ladies who are on the other end of the spectrum, it’s ok to love again. Not every man is out to hurt you. Not every romance ends in heart break. You don’t have to keep a guard up forever.

We must address this because so many women are allowing their brokenness to keep them not only from healing, but from getting the love and companionship they actually deserve and desire. How long are you going to let what happened in the past keep dictating your present? How long are you going to hide behind your brokenness? You end up pushing away the very thing you want. You want to be the princess rescued by prince charming, instead you’ve become the fire breathing dragon that guards the castle. I’m not trying to blame you for what happened to you or be insensitive to your past hurt. I do though as your sister have the right to push you to take control of your healing and stop letting your hurt control you.

Fellas, I must be honest with you. You have to be patient with this woman. I beg of you, do not try to guilt a woman because she has been hurt before. Just be understanding and allow her the time and space she needs to feel comfortable enough to be vulnerable again. I’m not saying she gets to take her time and abuse your patience, but she does indeed need time. As for the woman who seems desperate to make something happen between you and her, I beg you, please don’t take advantage of her. She unfortunately has let societal pressures get the best of her. Don’t write her off as crazy. Just exhibit patience to her through your interactions with her. Lastly, I ask gentlemen, please don’t hurt this woman. I know sometimes it happens even when you aren’t trying, but just be intentional with her heart. She’s been through a lot and you hurting her is just going to make it harder for the man who actually wants to do right by her. If you won’t do it for her, do it for your fellow brethren who will encounter her. Also, be sure to hold each other as men accountable for the handling of women’s hearts.

The truth is, if you live long enough, at some point you will experience brokenness. The key is to identify it and put in the work to put yourself back together again. Ladies stop letting society force you into brokenness. Stop letting the pressure of thinking you need a significant other cloud your judgement. On the other side, do not let your past hurt keep you from enjoying and receiving the love you want. At some point you must take authority over your healing. No more brokenness. The time to heal, is now…

The Broken Man

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Courtesy of malecodependence.com

I’ve been wanting to talk about this topic for some time now. This subject became dear to me roughly about a year ago. During that time I was becoming more and more aware of the brokenness of numerous men I knew. It was at this time that I realized how broken some men really are.

I know we don’t talk about it much in society but let me just say this plainly, men hurt too. We don’t like to attribute feelings to the male species, but we must stop denying their human nature. We think if we turn our heads to male emotion it will somehow disappear. What happens though when that pent up emotion begins to manifest into maladaptive behaviors? When men start hurting every woman who crosses their path even when they don’t want to. When commitment becomes a paralyzing phobia. When bed hopping becomes a remedy to pain. Then we are ready to call men dogs. We are ready to write books, articles and dissertations about how men “aint sh*t” and how they need to get it together. We give them terms like “f^*# boys” and defame their characters. But what we fail to realize is those behaviors stem from emotions we stifled. We create monsters and then get frustrated for them acting as such.

What we fail to do is allow men to hurt and furthermore to heal. We tell men that when their heart is broken they should just get over it. We assume they don’t feel it. We encourage them to go hang out with the boys and find a pair of legs to get between. Through ignoring their pain we create men with high body counts and low emotional tolerance. We teach them that a good sexual performance can cover their emotional scars. So with every stroke they bury themselves further under their pain.

I’m here to encourage my kings and say IT’S OK TO HURT!!! Do NOT let people make you think you are less of a man because you need time to heal. You are not weak for feeling pain. You can admit you are sad about the break up. You can be honest and say she hurt you. You can be honest and say you are disappointed things didn’t work out. You can admit you wish your mother was more loving. You can say you wish your dad spent more time with you. IT’S OK!!!

Ladies let me come down your street for a moment. We cannot keep assuming men are fine. We cannot keep perpetuating the exact behavior that ends up hurting us too. If that man says he’s not ready for a relationship, leave him alone. Don’t make him feel bad for being honest about what he knows he can’t handle right now. Let me take it a step further. Stop playing games with men because you think they don’t care. When you play with a man you not only continue to scar him, but you make it harder for every woman who will come after you. Because he won’t be allowed to deal with his feelings, he will continue to bleed all over every woman because his wounds never get time to heal. I can hear some of y’all now “don’t make excuses for them.” Trust me I’m not. I’m all for people taking responsibility. Believe me, I’m coming for them too. “Well I’m a good woman and the ‘hurt men’ don’t appreciate it.” We have to stop acting like men aren’t out here going through it with women too. NEWSFLASH: “NO GOOD” WOMEN EXIST!!! Just like women start closing themselves off to men because they fear they’ll be hurt again, is the same way men start to close themselves off. Now just imagine not being allowed to feel or heal. Wouldn’t you be afraid to open up too? Knowing if you get hurt you won’t be granted the permission to express it and deal with it without having to defend your masculinity and manhood.

Now fella’s let me be all the way clear, I am by no means giving you all a free pass to be screwing people over. I just want to speak on something y’all aren’t readily allowed to express. I must say though, at some point, you all must be willing to step up and get the healing you need. You all have to stop allowing society to make you out to be these heartless creatures. You have to open your mouths and tell people that you hurt too. Even that homeboy who will try to make you seem less of a man, even though he has the same struggles but won’t admit it. How long will you keep hopping from person to person before you accept that the healing you long for comes only through acceptance of your own feelings? You deserve to get healing but it comes only by taking responsibility to do so. Stop letting society bully you into putting your masculinity into lack of commitment and sexual performance. Stop letting society demean your humanity by reducing your masculinity every time you admit your feelings got hurt. You are human and you need emotional healing just like women. You may heal differently but you need to heal nonetheless. You can only stay broken for so long before you fall completely apart. Make sure to prioritize your healing.

All I want is for men to be allowed to be human. I’m tired of men being painted out and expected to be emotional robots. It causes deep wounds that wind up hurting everyone that comes in their paths. We must start to normalize having feelings. Having feelings or hurt feelings is not the issue, lack of emotional regulation is. So, fellas just know I understand. I know it’s not easy dealing with feelings that you aren’t supposed to acknowledge you have. But no more brokenness. No more hiding behind physicality. It’s ok to heal and the time to do so, is now.

Stop Trying to Force Your Heart Onto Others…

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Courtesy of imgur.com

A friend of mine once was in a situation in which they really cared for someone who didn’t seem to share the same sentiments. There seemed to be some attraction and chemistry but the other person didn’t want what my friend wanted. My friend didn’t take this well and found themselves in a spiral of emotions as everything they did became engulfed in trying to prove themselves to this person in hopes to one day change their mind. This obviously left my friend hurt, trying to figure out what went wrong. Once while I was discussing the situation with another friend, I stated “we just have to learn to stop trying to force our hearts on to people.”

Ever meet an amazing person. You think they have amazing potential and you desire to have more with them. So you begin to devise a plan in your mind to make them yours. Then something throws a wrench into your plans. They aren’t in agreement with what you want. You want them but they don’t want you. As hurtful as it sounds, it happens. But how many of us continue to try to force a situation on that person even after they have expressed they aren’t interested in what you have to offer.

If you’re anything like me, this is a sensitive subject. The harsh reality is we often times try to force our hearts on to someone when they have clearly shown us, if not said, they do not want it. I get it, we’re amazing and people should want to be with us. While this is true, the truth also remains that not everyone will want to be with you and that’s ok. We have to stop trying to force people to want us the way we want them.

What makes it worse is we then keep the person bound to us by trying to guilt them because they didn’t want us. So they sometimes stick around because you made them feel so guilty about something they have every right to do which is not want you. We become so relentless. You constantly keep trying to make them see how great you would be and practically get into audition mode every time they come around.

The worse part of it all is that we then become heartbroken when we finally wake up and accept the fact this person was serious when they said they didn’t want to be with you. Now you’re mad at them. We can’t make people pay for the damage to our heart we inflicted through lack of acceptance. They told you countless times through words and actions they had no intentions of being anything more with you. You insisted on trying to prove them wrong about their own feelings. “Well I thought they liked me because they didn’t try to disconnect from me.” There’s a difference between someone liking you, having intentions to move forward with you and a person who simply enjoys your convenience.

Truth is, after a while they saw you weren’t going to stop trying to prove yourself so they stopped trying to stop you. So now they just enjoy the convenience of having someone bend over backwards for them without having to give anything in return. It doesn’t make then heartless or a bad person. It simply makes them human.

Just because someone likes you doesn’t mean they want to be with you and have a future with you. Liking someone does not guarantee a future. Haven’t you ever liked someone but had no intention of moving forward with them? Everyone you like is not someone to plan a future with. It just sucks when the person on the non-receiving end is you.

Now let me be clear, I am not talking about the person that made you believe they were really interested and then all of a sudden hits you left field and says they don’t want anything. That is different because you were under the impression y’all were working towards the same thing. But the moment that person tells you and shows you they are not trying to be anything more with you, ACCEPT IT!!!

“How will I know if they are showing me they don’t want more?” It’s in their lack of time and investment. They are careful to never say anything romantically charged towards you. They constantly drop hints and reminders that y’all are “just friends.” When you become overly flirtatious they withdraw and become distant. These are just a few but there are numerous ways someone can show you they aren’t interested in more. Truth is you know exactly what they are but you are looking for validation that you still aren’t going to accept once confirmed.

Let me charge y’all with this, stop forcing your heart on people. It is an easy way to get hurt and be highly disappointed. Listen to that person. If they tell you you’re a great person but they just aren’t ready or interested, believe them. Stop trying to change their mind. Stop putting in work for someone who already told you they aren’t trying to give you the position. While it isn’t an easy pill to swallow, it is better than wasted energy and emotion. Even though you don’t understand it, respect it. Besides, your heart is too precious to be given away 😊

4:44 Why Beyonce’ Getting Cheated On Shouldn’t Scare You

 

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courtesy of mirror.co.uk

Naturally there has been nonstop buzz about the recent Jay-Z album 4:44. While some are ranting and raving over the lyrical genius of one the greatest rappers to ever do it, others are focusing on the love life of Hov and Beyoncé that seem to unravel on the tracks. Particularly, Jay’s infidelities being confirmed. Now I don’t mind people having some discussion over the matter, it’s what is being said that is bothering me the most. I’m seeing countless posts, statuses, and memes with the same message that “if Beyoncé got cheated on then there’s no hope for the rest of us.” This…. this I can’t rock with.

Let me just get to the point. Ladies, Beyoncé getting cheated on shouldn’t scare you because you’re not Beyoncé sis…. Now I know you probably think I’m being sarcastic. I promise I’m not. Let me explain. You are not a world known superstar. You are not one of the wealthiest women in entertainment. You don’t have millions of fans. In other words, you don’t have Beyoncé problems which might have led to the infidelity. Still not following? Ok, Beyoncé is by far the most sought-after celebrity on the planet. She is the only artist who could rival a fan base of MJ. She is celebrities’ favorite celebrity. She has reached a level of fame that few artists reach. Now imagine being the man married to her.

Last year I wrote a post on Beyoncé’s lemonade. Read it here. In it I discussed how hard it must be to be married to the most popular woman on the planet and how that must make Jay feel at times. Say what you want, but it does something to a man to be considered second rate to your spouse. For there to probably be times people bypass you just so they can get to your wife. And I’m sure some men are saying “whatever I’ll be second to Beyoncé any day.” Well you say that now until people start referring to her as “King Bey” and you start to feel emasculated as a man.

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courtesy of baddiebeyfashion.wordpress.com

Then to make matters worse, this man is an artist too. He is known to some as the best rapper alive and yet the main thing people focus on is his connection to the Queen herself. It’s one thing for your wife to be more famous than you, it’s another when she’s more famous in the same industry. It’s even worse when your talent becomes overshadowed by her and her success.

With all that said, Jay might have sought validation in the women he cheated with. Jay might have searched for his fame before it was so wrapped up into his wife. He may have been seeking to feel important again. Now this is all psychological speculation. I will never know the whole truth as to why Sean Carter decided to step out on the world’s biggest superstar. I just wonder how much of it was to feel a void that his amazingly talented wife’s fame created.

I can hear y’all now “that’s not a reason to cheat on your wife.” Well let y’all tell it Lemonade was fake, right? Shade aside, you’re absolutely right. NOTHING justifies cheating on a spouse. But I can understand it. “That’s just male pride.” We must stop trying to make men feel bad for their genetic makeup. Men like to feel important. Period. So if you are constantly in a position that makes him feel less than, it may cause issues for him that could push him to seek outside validation. This is why it’s important to pump your man up as much as possible.

Now my heart goes out to Beyoncé Giselle Knowles Carter. This woman simply worked her butt off to obtain the fame many dream of but it could be the very thing that shakes up her marriage. The pain of infidelity is one no amount of money or fame can wash away. Beyoncé doesn’t make people worship the ground she walks on. Yet people doing such things could be alienating her husband and making him feel less than. Is there ever enough validation to make up for the fact your Beyoncé? I’m not sure but with two new healthy babies I hope they have found the solution and I wish their union the best.

So you see, none of us should be worried because none of us are anywhere near being on Beyoncé status. All hope is not lost. But I do hope everyone sees how elevation of a spouse can play a role in marriage. While you may not be superstars, you may find yourself in a position that pushes your man to the background. Be sure to validate him and remind him of how important he is. And fellas I know it’s hard but communicate if you feel like you’re being pushed aside. Give your partner a chance to validate you before you decide you’re just going to go and get it elsewhere. So, ladies, don’t worry. Just sip your lemonade with ease because for once, you should be happy you’re not Beyoncé.

Is a Committed Relationship Before Marriage Necessary?

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Courtesy of spikesandstories.com

Recently I read an article that challenged my thinking more than anything ever has. The article was written by a woman telling her story of how she purposely never entered into a “committed relationship” with her now husband. She explained how when he asked her to be exclusive and to be his “girlfriend,” she told him no. She stated she did not see the benefit of allowing him to take her off the market while he spends another two to three years deciding if he wants to marry her. So she told him they could continue building their friendship and when he was serious about really taking her off the market (proposal) then she would acquiesce. Until then she explained she would continue to see other people and that he was free to do the same. Nine months later, he proposed.

I’ll be honest, I was completely shook when I read it because I never seen a woman turn down a chance at a relationship when she ultimately wanted to get married. It seems every woman wants to be in a committed relationship, right? What this article showed me is that maybe people, particularly women, are focused on the wrong thing. Instead of focusing on getting in a relationship, maybe they should challenge the other person including themselves to step up to get what they really want which is marriage.

Now I am fully aware this is not some formula on how to get a husband. I understand what she did may not work for everyone. If you decide to do so, do so at your own discretion. What this article did for me though was give confirmation on why some women remain eternal girlfriends and never the wife. Yes, I know some people don’t want to get married. Obviously, this article is not for those people. This is for the people who want marriage but sometimes get caught up in what happens before getting there.

I say often that dating and being “boyfriend” and “girlfriend” are relatively new terms. I describe them as things we created to allow us to stall before marriage. Don’t get me wrong, when that time is used properly it is quite beneficial. The truth is most people use this time to make themselves feel secure that the person they are with are not being with anyone else. Although we all know this rarely is the case as we have seen numerous people upset to find their mate entertaining someone else.

Just humor me for a second. What if people when they meet, decided to get to know each other. As they get to know each other, they also build a solid friendship. As they build friendship they realize they may really see a future with each other. They communicate their desires for the future and potentially how that person may fit into their future. They have fun and enjoy each other’s company. They finally decide they no longer want someone else to have a chance with this person. Now they prepare to spend the rest of their life with that person because they know they do not want anyone else. They then both decide to do that together and proceed into engagement. Sounds simple, right? The catch is, they didn’t confine themselves to each other until they were both ready to take the step into marriage.

I know for some people is sounds farfetched or just plain stupid. “Why would I not want to commit to someone I really care about?” “How can you be a good spouse if you were never in a relationship?” If that is the case, why are so many people getting stuck in relationships that never move on to more? Yes commitment is important, but is it getting you what you really want. “People should date with a purpose.” Well it doesn’t get much more purposeful than not entering into a relationship because you want more than a false sense of commitment.

Basically, what I am saying is, sometimes people, particularly women, are so focused on being girlfriends, that they limit themselves to only being that, a girlfriend. This is fine if this is all you want in life. It becomes an issue though when that is as far as you go because that’s where you put all your energy. How many people do you know who have been in numerous “long term relationships?” We think it means they are good at commitment. Maybe it just means they don’t know how to go for what they really want. That’s all I’m trying to encourage people to do. Go for what you really want.

If you were interviewing for a managerial position at a company, would you accept an offer for an entry level position knowing you are highly qualified for the role you want? Yes, I’m aware that some companies require you to move your way up and some people are willing to put in the work to do so. This works out for some people and not for others. Some people are so desperate to be hired by somebody that they offer themselves up for an entry-level position just to get in the company. They hope to prove they have what it takes to get the position they really want. So they slave themselves, putting in managerial work at the entry level position. Unfortunately, so many people never move up in the company. Many end up fired, with nothing to show for the time and effort spent. What if at the time of the interview you made it clear that you were only going to accept an offer for the position you want. Letting them know when they are ready to make an offer, you’ll be willing to accept. Until then, you’ll be considering other offers.

Think about it, how much more motivated would someone feel to get their stuff together if they knew at any given time someone else could come in and snatch you up. Some people won’t care while others may pretend they don’t. You are focused on the one who does. The one who will do what they have to do because they know what they want.

Let me be clear, I am not saying people should never get into an exclusive romantic relationship ever again. What I am saying is, if that is something you feel brings you comfort, just be careful to not get too comfortable while there, especially if you know you want more. This is simply another perspective. It takes a special kind of person to hold this type of philosophy, but I’m sure for them it works. I just simply want to challenge your thinking, open your mind but most of all get you what you want and desire.

Are You His Dreamer?

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courtesy of pinterest.com

 

As always, I was recently in session with a couple. I love working with couple’s as they always manage to remind me of the little things we take for granted. In this session, the girlfriend stated she expressed her lack of desire to no longer dream. Naturally I thought she was discussing goals and aspirations for things she wanted to accomplish in life such as career and education. She corrected me, letting me know she meant as far as dreaming of the future of their relationship. She stated she was afraid to dream about a future of them together if it wasn’t a guarantee it would happen.

So often this happens to women in relationships. Women feel like the person they’re with doesn’t seem as enthusiastic about their future so they give up dreaming about it. They don’t want to get their hopes up so they decide to shoot down their dreams of what could be and what they want to be. My issue with this is that it is fear based. You only take this approach if you are afraid of not getting what you want. The truth though is, you can’t get the love you desire if you’re too afraid to even believe it will happen.

I politely had to explain to her that her role as a woman is to dream. It’s what some women do. We dream about everything. We dream about business, families, friends and of course, our love lives. We do things like create entire pinterest boards of our weddings (that would be me) and pick out our dream engagement rings (also me). We think of cute baby names for our future kids and look up dream homes in perfect neighborhoods.

Well she politely let me know she had been doing all these things and she didn’t get much of a response from him. She gave examples of times she would send him pictures of homes or talk about life after marriage and he wouldn’t respond. I smiled and told her that’s because his job is to keep them grounded in the present while they move toward the future. Most men are present oriented. Majority of them don’t think past today. Do they ONLY think present? Of course not. They think of the future and plan for it, they just don’t live in it like some women tend to do. She was not yet convinced though, stating she didn’t feel he wanted a future like she did.

The powerful moment came when he told her he needed her to be his dreamer. He told her he needed her to have faith in them and what they were doing. What she and many women fail to see, is that when you have no expectations and no faith in his ability to move forward with you, it’s a slap in the face for all the work he has put in to show you how serious he is about you. I pointed out to her that I could see he expected a future from them. When she asked how so, I simply told her, because he’s here. He shows up session after session airing out his most intimate moments with a stranger to help strengthen this relationship.

See the problem is women always want to talk about the future while men simply want to work towards it. Both have the future in mind, but they simply manifest it differently. Men aren’t going to keep telling you they want a future with you, send you pictures of engagement rings and houses for you to live in. They are going to SHOW you they want a future with you. Listen, men think talk is cheap. Therefore, if you want to know how he feels and what he thinks, watch what he is DOING not what he is or isn’t saying. They put all their effort in their action. When she gave up on their future simply because he didn’t want to keep discussing it, it made him want to stop putting in effort for their future. In his mind, it was as if his efforts were unappreciated and in vein.

The other part to a woman being a dreamer, is she needs to be willing to dream with and for him. If he has a business, don’t just be excited about it, dream about it. Dream about how he will get new contracts or how he’ll expand it in three years. If he wants to go back to school, dream about his graduation day and how proud you both will be. If he wants a promotion, dream about the celebratory dinner you all will have and the next position he can then strive for. Dream with and for him!!! Now I’m not saying be the only person in the relationship dreaming. That’s why I say WITH him. He should be dreaming too. Again, you may not realize he is because he shows it instead of always talking about it.

Dreaming for and with your man shows him you believe in him, you have confidence in him and you support him. Believe it or not, men seek the validation of their significant others more than they will openly tell you. If you want to speak to your man, speak to his dreams. Speak to his future and include yourself in it. Show him that you have faith in what he’s doing and that you plan to be there every step of the way. If you can dream of baby names and look up wedding dresses, you can dream of your man succeeding in life.

All I am trying to say is how a woman dreams about a man says a lot about what you think of him. And believe me, he is paying attention to how you do so. Men know that women think future, so if she doesn’t include him in hers, that says to him she either doesn’t want it or expect it. Women just have to understand their role which is to dream, and his which is to work to make the dream come true while keeping them in the present. Once everyone understands their position, they can better function as a team. Ladies dream for and with your man. Let him know you can dream for more than just a perfect wedding. Because long after the vows, he still needs you to dream. So, ladies get to dreaming and fellas get to working, there are some dreams that need manifesting😊

Hidden Hearts; Why you should tell them how you really feel

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courtesy of realestateofftheleash.com

A few days ago I posted my weekly #TishToken stating “the unspoken words of the heart are often held hostage in the mind.” Normally my tokens don’t inspire my blogs but this one touched me in a soft spot. How many of us have held our hearts captive by keeping its true desires locked away in our thoughts? How many times have we thought or talked ourselves out of what we want?

Earlier this week I was working with a couple in session. The woman stated she was afraid to dream of them being together forever in case it didn’t happen. I proceeded to tell her how funny it is that we are willing to take risks on everything else in life, but we resist to be bold with matters of the heart. I stressed to her that just like any other major success, love requires taking a risk. I explained that we can’t want the reward of love without taking the risk of believing it can happen. The irony is you may be more successful in gaining your hearts desires from being bold than you are any other endeavor. Yet we shy away in timid fashion when it comes to professing our love. We can be willing to leave jobs, start businesses, go back to school, move out of state, ask for a raise or anything else. Yet the thought of telling someone you love them, telling someone how you REALLY feel, makes you want to throw up. Why?!

I’m finishing up 13 Reasons Why and I can’t help but be engulfed in the sad love story of Hannah and Clay. What hurts me the most was all the unspoken truths that both of them needed to hear. Fear paralyzed them, keeping them both from setting each other free. And while all tragic love stories don’t end in a suicide, how many love stories have we allowed to die prematurely because we were too afraid to say how we felt? Are we holding back words that someone else may need to hear? Not to motivate them to live, but to motivate them to love.

Why do we allow ourselves to let love slip through our grasps? Why do we open our hearts to love but then close our lips to keep from expressing it? We come up with every reason why we shouldn’t say anything, never thinking of how great things could be if we did. We get so caught up in how people may react, we forget how important it is for us to speak our truth. I told a client recently that the reward is not in the response, it’s in the release. Too often we dictate whether we should say something based on the response of the person to whom we are delivering the message. But we can’t control their response. Instead we should get joy out of simply releasing something that our heart has been longing to say, regardless of what the response is. The problem is we never want to be the one to say it first. We are always too afraid to be the one to make the first move out of fear of rejection. Fear of rejection is nothing more than putting the reward in the response. When are we going to let go of foolish games of fear, and allow ourselves to express our true feelings, regardless of reaction?

Love is not meant to be hoarded, it’s meant to be given and expressed. Instead we hold on to it, letting our hearts and minds carry the weight it was meant to relinquish. Then you find yourself unable to deal with it anymore. That’s when you see people popping up at weddings or engagement parties (Dwayne and Whitley), trying to express their love. You get mad when they move on but the truth is you had your chance. You chose not to take it. Or you remain in silence for the rest of your life. You move on and find someone else, you may even be happy. But deep down inside there’s a part of you that will never let go of the what if that you created out of fear.

So I want to encourage someone today, speak your heart’s truth. Tell them how you feel. I’m not promising a happily ever after, but you owe yourself the peace of mind of getting it off your chest. Set yourself, and your heart free today. For all you know they may need to hear what you have to say in order to free them too. Stop letting fear and overthinking keep you bound. JUST SAY IT!!!!!

Letting Go;The Greatest Act of Love

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Courtesy of thebridgemaker.com

 

While recently in session, I witnessed one of the most amazing things I’ve seen in a while between a couple. After them having a moment of frustration and exchanging of choice words, he proceeds to tell me how wonderful she is. “She’s an amazing woman. Everything you’d ever want or need out of a wife.” He went on to say how she deserved to be happy, married and have a husband who can give her what she deserves. He proceeds to say how he knows he can’t be that man for her right now and that he is going to be selfless and let her go so she can indeed be available to receive the happiness she deserves. While watching the tears flow from her face, I knew I had just witnessed an incredible act of love.

The saying “if you let it go and it comes back, you know it was really yours” has been around for years. What happens though when the intention is not to get it back? What happens if you are letting it go not for your own gain, but for the peace of mind of them? The hardest thing about breaking up or leaving a situation alone is accepting the role you played in said situation. What’s even harder is recognizing that the saying “it’s not you, it’s me” is the absolute truth.

What I loved most in that moment during that session was her hearing him say these words. She needed to know that he indeed recognized her worth and that all she did had not gone unnoticed. I think a lot of people could use this conversation. But just as it is hard to say the words, it’s just as hard to hear them. The truth is though one needs to hear it. Many times, people think something is wrong with them and that is why the person wouldn’t be with them. A person needs the reassurance that they are a good person and that the only thing they necessarily did wrong was fall for someone who couldn’t give them what they needed at the time.

It takes a special kind of person to admit that they can’t be what someone deserves and therefore will walk away instead of selfishly sticking around. While some would point out that she could have walked away first, just know she had. She had done that before. But in his less selfless moments, he wiggled his way back in her life because he enjoyed the benefits of being connected to her. He even admitted she enabled him. How many of us do this? We know that the person has a soft spot for us. Yet we also know that we can’t or won’t be the person they deserve to have. We become comfortable in reaping the benefits of such an amazing person because they love in such an incredible way. So we hold on to them, using their affinity to love hard to our benefit. We do love them, but we love their love more. So we stick around, giving them just enough of ourselves. We give them the bare minimum, just enough to keep them holding on, even when they know they need and desire more.

See the misconception is that the person doesn’t love them. This isn’t true. So you ask “how can you know someone is what you want and need in a spouse or significant other but not be with them?” Simple. The same way I’ve chosen my dream house, car and every other material thing I dream of attaining in life but knowing I’m not in a place to sustain it right now. There are houses on the market right now that I get sad when I see them because they are exactly what I want in a home. I know though I’m not in the position to purchase right now. I may be in a few years, or maybe in a few months. But as of right now, I’m not. So I stare at the pictures online until I see it’s been sold. I can hope the house stays on the market until I’m ready, but there’s no guarantee. Yeah, I could go through the process and get a realtor and go to the bank and act as if I’m ready. But I know deep down inside I’m not ready or able to sustain that home. It’s the same with potential spouses or significant others. Yes, he’s amazing but you know you’ve got healing to do and you can’t emotionally be there for him. Yes, she’s everything you’ve wanted but you’re just not in the position to be able to commit to her right now and tend to her needs. The key is, once you realize you can’t give them what they need, you need to be able to walk away. Instead we ride the wave as long as we can, holding on because neither of us are strong enough to leave each other alone.

The question I pose is, can you love someone enough to let them go? Can you willingly see them leave and not pursue them when they do because you know they deserve better than you? It’s a harsh reality and a hard pill to swallow but it’s a lot people’s truth.

Let me encourage someone today. I know they are an amazing person and you really do love them, but let them go!!! You’ve known all along that you couldn’t be what they needed. I know sometimes you break it off and they’re the ones that come back. Tell them no!!! Not to be mean, but because you love them. Because you know that nothing has changed and you still aren’t able to give them any more than the last time. Stop letting your nostalgic lonely moments get the best of you. Don’t let it pump you up to reach back out, knowing that it won’t be long before the dust settles and you’re right back to reminding the both of you that you aren’t ready and willing. It’s unfair. If you can’t love them like they deserve, love them enough to let someone else love them. Allow someone else who is willing to give them what they need to come in. No, it is not easy to watch. If you were willing to do this then you obviously love them. Watching someone you love be with someone else is like a dagger to the heart. But that same dagger is the one you put through their heart every time you make them believe things are changing when you know they aren’t.

I know this is easier said than done. The key is doing it in the early stages of getting to know someone. Unfortunately, it’s not until feelings are involved and lives have been intertwined before we start having the conversation of “this isn’t going to work” or “I just can’t be what you need.” Whether it has been two weeks, two months, or two years, it’s time to be honest about the future or lack thereof.

I know it may be hard, but I promise it is best for everyone to leave the situation alone. If you love them, love them enough to walk away. Love them enough to not hold a part of their heart hostage, keeping them bound to your half effort of love. For once, do the greatest act of love for them and let them go. While it may be hard, the joy is knowing they are free to now get what you couldn’t give them. Who knows, if you’re lucky, it may come back to you😉