Abstinence is hard. That’s it. I can pretty much wrap up this post. Lol. In all seriousness, I’ve debated writing on this subject for a while for numerous reasons. After some of the things I’ve seen and heard this week and over time, I figured there needed to be a real discussion about this subject. Truth be told, regardless of why you decided to embark on a journey of abstinence, it is a difficult journey nonetheless. While at times it seems like a trending ploy to get a mate, for others it’s a serious lifestyle that comes with many struggles and sacrifices deeper than just sex.

Now for clarity purposes I will state that abstinence in this post will refer to abstaining from sex. Some people engage in abstinence for a moment in time, while others engage in it until marriage. Either way, it is difficult to engage in, especially in such a sexually driven society. Everything that we see on television or hear in songs is about sex. Every magazine cover is promoting the next best sex moves to reach the biggest “O.” Every day of abstinence is a reminder that you are indeed sexless in a sex crazed world. So how do you stay on track?

This is the biggest fight and struggle for anyone partaking in abstinence. This is the magic answer people look for but the truth is you have to do what works for you. There isn’t a set guide to follow to stop you from having sex. Because truth be told the urges and thoughts ARE going to come!!! They are inevitable because it is in our human nature. So trying to stop your urges is a waste of time. You have to learn to fight the urges. Again, you ask, how? Well according to the saints of I have never been horny church of holier than thou, you’re supposed to simply pray. Now while I believe prayer is a powerful thing, I also know that faith without works is dead. Just simply pray and see if that erection disappears. Pray and see if that thought of him blowing your back out just goes away. What I’m saying is, we have to do more than just pray. We have to fight our urges for sex just like urges for anything else. Would you just pray that you don’t eat that piece of cake after going for a run or are you going to fight in other ways as well to prevent you from giving in. You may walk out the kitchen or you may substitute the cake for something else. You may hide the cake so you don’t see it until it’s ok for you to indulge in it. Either way, you have to put some action and effort into not giving in. It’s the same with sex. Maybe you can’t cuddle after midnight or maybe you can’t spend the night. Maybe you can’t see her in the swim suit. Maybe you can’t watch him workout in the gym. Again, know yourself and do what YOU have to do to stay on track.

I think the biggest misconception is that people who practice abstinence don’t have a desire for sex. Lies!!! All LIES!!! Most people practicing abstinence loves sex and can’t wait to enjoy it again. I think another misconception is that people engaging in abstinence never have vulnerable moments and if we do we should guilt/shame ourselves for it. Listen, you are going to have a moment when you are ready to throw it all away and get down with the get down. You will talk yourself into letting go and dealing with it after it’s over. It will happen. And it may happen a few times. It’s ok!!! Just hope you are dealing with someone who respects you enough to not let you give in. I’ve heard couples who practiced abstinence before they got married say make sure one of you is always strong at some point. If both of you are weak in the same moment, you’re in trouble. But weak moments will come. It doesn’t make you less devoted. It doesn’t make you a heathen. It simply makes you human. If you meet someone who you have great chemistry with and is attracted to, more than likely you will have a strong sexual attraction as well. Naturally you are going to want to sleep with them because that is what you normally would have done before. You may even get to a place that you try to. The goal though is to snap out of it and work your hardest to not get back to that vulnerable place again.

Now one of the hardest parts of being abstinent is having so many people question you as to why you would do such a thing. People not believing you or people telling you “it couldn’t be me.” There’s not a lot of positive encouragement behind it. People literally will make you feel crazy for wanting to abstain from sex, even if you are doing so for religious purposes. It’s hard trying to do what you believe is right when everyone around you is making you feel like you are doing something wrong. The truth is, people who are abstinent are going to have to stop looking for validation and understanding from people who aren’t. They will also have to be honest about those weak moments to encourage each other. If everybody is trying to act saved and sanctimonious as if they never get any urges, no one truly gets the encouragement they need.

If nothing else, know that a life of abstaining from sex is a hard one. Don’t expect it to be an easy road where you don’t get horny until the wedding night. You are going to have to fight your flesh and put in some work to stay on the straight and narrow. The key is to know yourself and what you can or cannot handle. Just know it is ok to have moments of desires. You will want to have sex!!! Don’t be ashamed of it, simply gain control of it. While you may not get the support of others wrapped in this sexually laden society, you can get the support of others on the same journey who are willing to be real about it. If you are practicing abstinence, please stay encouraged and focused on the goal. To those who aren’t, even if you don’t understand it or agree, offer encouragement to someone who is. Trust me, they need it:)

Recently I got into a small exchange of words with a previous friend. During the conversation, the comment was made that I needed to get in a relationship before I give relationship advice. This comment struck my creative juices because I know this is the thinking of many people. Many people believe that a person who is not currently in a relationship cannot give accurate or beneficial relationship advice. I thought this would be a good time to explore some of the issues with this mentality.

I think the first thing we have to be careful with is not assuming what people know or don’t know. Because relationships are a major part of society, most people have some type of reference of good or bad relationships. You don’t have to have ever been in a relationship and you will have some basic knowledge of the concept. Most adults though have indeed been in relationships at some point in their lives. Therefore, you know something about them. Just because a person is not currently in a relationship, does not mean they can’t pull from the one’s they were in previously. Also, never underestimate the knowledge gained through witnessing the lives of others. Most of us have seen a lot of things through the relationships of other people. We’ve even learned some lessons from other people without ever having talked to them about it. People can learn a lot through the observation of someone else. Lastly, you don’t know what advice that person has been given from someone else. They may simply have felt it was great advice and wanted to pass it on to you.

The key to taking advice from anyone, needs to be predicated on who the person is, not what they’ve experienced directly. Most of us know the people well whom we choose to go to for advice or offer advice to us. You know whether or not they are capable of giving sound advice. I’m sure we all know one person who gives great advice on practically everything. Even if they have never experienced it, it seems they always have the answer. On the contrary, we all know that one person who has been through everything and you would never ask them advice for anything. I have had friends that even when they are in relationships I would never ask them for relationship advice. No shade towards them but I just know advice giving is not their strongest attribute.

The problem is, you can find yourself missing out on great advice if you focus too much on the situation of the person who is giving it. A homeless person can give amazing financial advice. A child can teach you a lesson about being an adult. Sometimes great wisdom can come from least expected places. That doesn’t mean you should ignore it because you feel their situation does not lend them to be qualified to give you that advice. You may be missing out on advice that can help you tremendously because you are judging. The truth is the circumstances can be misleading. Just because someone has been married for 10 years doesn’t mean they are qualified to give advice. They seem qualified until they give you the advice to stop tripping about your significant other not coming home or disappearing for a few days because their spouse has been doing it for years and they’ve learned to deal with it. Don’t let societal illusions be your measuring stick for advice.

Also, be careful to not discredit the advice of someone because they are telling you something you don’t want to hear. Most of us when seeking advice are really seeking validation of OUR feelings, not advice on the situation. So as long as someone says something we want to hear, we praise the advice they give, regardless of who is giving it. As soon as someone says something we don’t like, now we are ready to question their authority and merit of advice giving. Make sure when you are seeking advice, that it is actually advice you are seeking and be open enough to receive whatever is offered.

Lastly, I’ve noticed we tend to mainly if not only question the advice of the single woman. Single men give relationship advice all the time and no one ever questions their validity because they’re men. A single woman gives advice and we’re checking her relationship status before we listen to anything she says. Take Derrick Jaxn for example. We (women) love Derrick. We buy his books and clothing, watch his video’s religiously, yet never question his relationship status other than to see if we have a chance. Men don’t really care for him because Derrick has a way of calling men out or as they say “giving women false hopes.” Yet again, they never question his relationship status. Yet if a single, attractive woman was to try to build a brand giving relationship advice, no one would want to hear what she has to say. Why? Because she hasn’t accomplished what society has deemed as the ultimate feet, which is to get a man or in a relationship. Making that the only thing that qualifies her to give advice.

Now the main reason for the gender bias is, quite frankly, men aren’t really into relationship advice. Most men don’t really care what anyone has to say as long as they aren’t saying anything about their relationship. As soon as someone says something about their relationship, and that person happens to be single, they chime in and politely (or not) let that person know that single people can’t give them or their significant other advice. Unless it’s their single homeboy whose advice they always seem to take, knowing it is going to get him in trouble but does anyway because they’re boys. But we won’t dig into that. Women on the other hand, flock to relationship advice. We read books, blogs, magazines, and everything in between if we think it will help our relationship or lack thereof. So the reason single women giving advice doesn’t seem profitable to a another single women is that she appears to not have mastered the issue. How can she help me get a man or keep the one I got if she doesn’t have one?

While on the surface this may seem completely logical. The problem though becomes, no one really knows why this woman doesn’t have a man. She may be taking time to work on herself or lives in an area where men are scarce. The truth is, a person can do absolutely nothing wrong and still be single. I know it seems impossible, right? No one wants to tell people that because the relationship industry is predicated off the notion that someone has to be doing something wrong to be single. So here, read my book “10 ways to not be single” or “3 ways to make him love you” to “fix” your problem. Well I hate to break it to you, but you can do all of that and still be single. Especially as an African American woman. The numbers just aren’t in our favor. So with all that said, a woman’s relationship status does not mean she is more or less qualified to give advice on relationships. Her relationship status really only shows just that, her relationship status.

So can we please leave the back handed comments like “how are you going to give relationship advice and you’re not in one” in the past? We need not invalidate the advice of others because we feel they don’t meet the standard of expertise of advice giving. Meanwhile you are missing out on the advice that could really help bring clarity or change your situation around because you’re focused on the wrong stuff. I’m not saying take advice from anyone, but use your clearheaded, objective judgement of whether it is good advice. I’m sure you’ll make the right decision.

 

This past week the show Being Mary Jane had its season 4 premiere. This is a show I have somewhat followed for years as it addresses social issues that are not always discussed. It has a reputation of pushing the envelope. This week’s episode did not disappoint. In the beginning of the show, Mary Jane decided she was going to have an escapade of a one night stand with a stranger. While amid the heat of the moment, her mystery man noticed Mary Jane’s uneasiness. He asked if this is what she wanted. After careful consideration, she admitted no. When asked what is it she wanted to make her fantasy come to life, she responded “I want you to tell me you love me.” Her mystery man acquiesced and her fantasy was fulfilled. I don’t know about anyone else but this blew my mind. Here it is a woman has an opportunity to live out a spontaneous sexual fantasy yet she simply wanted to be able to hear “I love you.” For me this showed how at the foundation of a women’s heart, is the desire to be loved.

I think what bothered me most about this scene is it showed how obsessed we can become with being in love. It also revealed to me the true desire of some women’s hearts. Notice she didn’t ask for him to propose. All this time I thought some women had an obsession and unhealthy desire for marriage (really the wedding) when really they just want to be loved. To hear the words “I love you” is really the goal. Now I don’t want to make it seem like there is anything wrong with this. Honestly who doesn’t want to be loved? What I find to be dangerous is how much people, particularly some of my queens, desire this love. Some women become obsessed with this need of love, sometimes causing them to go to extreme measures to obtain it. Maybe everyone isn’t finding strangers in bars to hear I love you on one night stands, but there are other ways that women sometimes show desperation for love. So much so they don’t care if it’s real or not. The beautiful lie of love sometimes becomes just as intoxicating as the real thing.

I just want my queens to know that while being loved is an amazing feeling everyone deserves, it can be dangerous if it becomes a fixation. When you want to be loved more than anything, you find yourself compromising the love that you so desperately desire. When you convince yourself you have to have something, you sometimes start thinking illogically and lose a level head. So the warning signs you see, you ignore. The blatant lack of real love, you turn your head to. Yes, there are times when aggressive desire is needed, such as trying to complete a degree or move up the ranks in a company. Even in those scenarios though, you can compromise your chance by becoming desperate and doing things to jeopardize it. The key is having balance. Desire it enough to position yourself to obtain it, but be ok if you don’t get it right now.

Ladies I don’t want you to think I’m trying to blame you or talk down on you. I know society puts a lot of the pressure on you that contributes to this obsession. Every time you’re with family they’re asking when are you getting married. You have to answer questions like “why are you single” every other day. It almost seems as if society measures a woman’s success by her ability to be loved by a man. So no, it is not all your fault for your desire to be loved. Society has been brainwashing you since you were old enough to date that you must obtain love. I’m here to tell you Queen, being loved is a joy to experience, not a goal to achieve.

To all my Mary Jane’s in the world, I hope you see it doesn’t have to be this way. Don’t allow the pressures of society to get you thrown off. You can desire to be loved without being consumed by it.  Find the balance in your desire and watch your fixation simply become a wishful expectation. Don’t compromise what you want by compromising yourself to get it. So queens relax, breath and adjust your crown and your thinking.

First let me start off by saying happy New Year everyone!!!! I am absolutely loving all the positive energy about 2017 thus far. One thing I noticed trending for this year is stepping out on faith for new endeavors. I love anytime someone decides to go for their dreams. As this year progresses and the people in our lives take huge leaps of faith, let’s remember to support them. This seems obvious to most but many are struggling with this simple concept, especially in relationships.

There is something about having your significant other support your endeavors. While we appreciate the support from other loved ones such as friends, family and acquaintances, the support from your love means something different. So much so, their support is sometimes desired more than anyone else’s. It makes you feel like you can do anything because the person by your side believes in you. I think we have either lost faith or underestimated the power of supporting the ones we love. Sometimes we may think it means putting ourselves on the backburner while we tend to the dreams of someone else. I also think sometimes people genuinely don’t think it means that much. Some people don’t know how impactful the phrase “I support you” really is.

First off, support is not just a benefit to the other person. When a person feels supported, they tend to show their love and affection more. Especially for those of us whose love language is words of affirmation. Encouraging words will fill our love tanks quickly. We then in turn have love to pour out on you. I’ll be honest though, supporting is not always easy. The bigger the aspiration, the more needed support. Yet and still, the reward will come for the effort.

Queens, I’ll start with you. We must learn to tap into the mighty power of supporting our Kings. I know there are plenty of other things that will keep a man, but not supporting him is a good way to lose him. How many times have we seen a woman that seems to have it “all” lose her man to a woman that doesn’t. A lot of times the new woman knew how to support the man. She made him feel like what he was doing was possible. Now I’m not saying every man that doesn’t feel supported is going to leave for another woman. I’m just saying when men do leave, lack of support is sometimes the reason. Rest assured though, if you want to build a disconnect, don’t support your man. We have to understand that a King feels most powerful when his Queen reigns beside him. A man feels like he can conquer the world when his woman shows him support. His confidence is raised which gives him the motivation to make her proud in all areas. If you seem like you don’t support what he does, he will feel disconnected and disappointed.

Now Kings, please don’t think this is one-sided. Queens need support as well. Women are killing the game right now in regards to entrepreneurship. They are stepping into their promises and making their dreams happen. It’s nice knowing the man by their side believes in what they are doing. Women like to know that what they are pursuing is just as important to their man as it is to them. They want to know you are invested into them. For a woman, supporting her shows your love for her. It is already hard enough for women sometimes being in a patriarchal society. They like to know their efforts are being supported by the men in their lives. The same rule applies as far as the benefits are concerned. When a woman feels supported, she will show just how pleased she is about it to her man. With no support, a woman will become distant and unhappy.

One thing to highlight, is support is not just limited to business ventures and dreams. Support encompasses all. Maybe your significant other wants to lose weight, pay off some debt or pick up a hobby. These things are just as important. Show them you support their effort for growth and change. It’s not easy taking these steps but it’s even harder when the one you love doesn’t show their faith in your ability to do so. So many times, people say they want their significant others to change yet when they try to, people give no effort to support that change. Don’t count out the moments where support comes in different forms. It all means just the same.

A major point that must be addressed is showing your support. Yes, it is nice to say things like “I believe in you” or “I think you’re going to do great things.” Sometimes though, you have to show it just as much as you say you believe it. If your boo wants to lose weight, go with them to the gym sometimes. If they are opening a business, buy them a book that shows them how to manage it. If they started painting as a hobby, pick up a brush one night and paint together. Sometimes it is the action behind the words of encouragement that solidify your effort.

So as we embark on this magical journey of 2017, I wish you all nothing but success on the things you have set to accomplish. Let’s all be sure to support one another. Most of all, for all my love birds out there, be sure to let your lover know you support what they are doing. Let them know you believe in them and then show them just how much you do. Never let them forget you are their #1 fan. Tap into the power of support today and watch it transform you both. Remember, you got this!!!!!

 

 

In midst of great conversation with a relative during the recent holiday, I decided to pick his brain. In this conversation, he eluded he was remaining in his relationship out of convenience.  I knew this was the case, but there was something about hearing it aloud. This conversation along with others I’ve engaged in has begun to show a pattern. I’m hearing a lot of men who seem to think staying in relationships for the sake of comfortability instead of love is normal. This then made me question what is encouraging this trend. I wonder if society encourages men to settle.

How many times have we seen society preach to women “don’t settle,” “you deserve to be happy.” It hasn’t been until recently that I realized this message doesn’t get told to men. Instead, how many times do we tell men “she’s a good woman, you might as well make it work.” Why don’t we tell men their happiness is just as important? One of my phrases to live by is “a good man or woman doesn’t mean the right man or woman.” Just because she’s fine, can cook and supports you doesn’t mean she’ll make you happy. Some men seem to struggle with this concept. Maybe society has guilted men into believing if they find a good woman they better stay with her so they don’t look like a jerk. I think some men either feel guilty for the dirt from their past or the dirt of their fellow men. So, some good men feel obligated to make things work with some women because they don’t want to be another man that breaks the heart of a good woman. What these men don’t realize is it is ok to date someone and realize that you don’t want to be with that person. Yet so many men stay in relationships they knew they didn’t want to be in after the first month.

What scares me is these same men who stay in undesired relationships then enter undesired marriages. They give as much of themselves as their hearts will allow. What’s even scarier is you can’t tell the difference initially from the man who is happy vs the one who isn’t. To everyone else he seems to be head over heels in love. He does all the things a good man should do. Yet he gets to go each day in the relationship with the weight of knowing he doesn’t want to be with her. Each time he kisses her, he’s reminded the sparks he desires aren’t there.

It’s almost as if society doesn’t care or hasn’t thought about how men feel in relationships. When you look at most relationship blogs, books, or ministries, they are geared towards women. Newsflash society, men desire true love too. Yes, it’s a known fact men express their emotions differently, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t there. Men may not grow up thinking about their dream wedding. Instead they look forward to having their dream wife. They look forward to having a good woman to come home to. A good woman to love, protect and provide for. Yet we forget to support men in the pursuit of that. We make everything towards women. Look at the celibacy/abstinent movement. Society normally encourages it for women.  Why? That’s another post for another day. I will say I think it is partly because society has no reverence for the male body. So, if society doesn’t value the male body, why would it value the male heart?

Kings let me encourage you today. DO NOT stay in unhappy relationships. I know as men you believe in substance and functionality. Therefore, it is hard to justify in your mind leaving a good woman because she doesn’t make you happy. The thing is king, you want to do everything to the best of your ability. The truth is, you will never be the best man you can be to a woman that doesn’t foster happiness within you. You will always find yourself holding back a part of yourself because only a woman who you desire to be with could bring it out of you. I know you’ve told yourself “I don’t want to hurt her.” Well unfortunately you make that possibility higher each day you remain with her knowing your heart isn’t. The truth is both of you deserve better. You deserve someone you want to be with and she deserves someone who wants to be with her. Kings happiness is not just meant for women. Happiness is for everyone.

Now fella’s, don’t read this post and tell your woman I told you to leave her. Every situation is different and you should adequately evaluate what it is about your situation and significant other you aren’t happy with. If you indeed realize you aren’t happy, then it’s time you do some soul searching as to why you decide to stay even though you don’t want to.  Whatever you do, don’t let society, friends or family tell you what you should do. You should do what’s best for you. I just pray that all my kings and queens find the true happiness they all deserve.

 

Growing up I realized I had a love for literature. A writer who captured my attention almost instantly was Edgar Allen Poe. My first piece I ever read of his was none other than the Tell-Tale Heart. It tells the story of a man who murdered the older gentleman he cared for. He then buries the man under the floor boards in the home. When the police came he then becomes so confident that he sits them in the very spot he buried the old man. It isn’t long before his guilt begins to take control of him. He starts to hear the pounding of the dead man’s heart thrusting through the floor. He eventually tells on himself, pulling up the floor boards, confessing to the police what he had done. The story is a great example of how guilt has a nasty way of driving us to insanity. In recently re-reading this story, I realized that some of us have had experiences with a Tell-Tale Heart. Whether we were the one who buried the heart or the one whose heart was buried, we may have lived out this storyline more than we realize.

Sometimes you can have someone whose heart you have broken or vice versa.  You then bury that heart under the floorboards of your very heart. You then allow someone else to come into your heart. Then you confidently let that new person occupy the space of your heart right above where you buried the last one. It seems as if you have gotten away with something until your guilt starts to kick in. You start to hear that heart you buried calling out to you. You try to ignore it but you can’t get the sound of that buried heart out of your head. You try to keep yourself occupied with the new person you allowed to sit on top of that beating heart but it doesn’t work. You try to spend more time with them, you try to tell yourself you love them, you try to focus on only them. Yet and still you can’t get that beating heart to stop pounding so loud. You realize maybe it wasn’t a good idea to bury that old heart. That you shouldn’t have been so comfortable with bringing a new person around that buried heart. Now you’re trying to not let the new person see that you are bothered by something. But there is only so much you can do before the beating of that buried heart will drive you to pull up the boards of your heart and deal with what you have done.

In other words, sometimes we hurt people or they hurt us. We severe the ties with them. Instead of disposing of them, we keep them round whether physically or mentally, leaving the potential for our guilt to get the best of us. We then move on to someone else, confident in our decision. We then allow this new person into our hearts but we haven’t gotten rid of the last person. Again, we are confident that the new person will never find out that there is someone else who is buried in our hearts. We always underestimate the power of guilt. Therefore, it is only a matter of time before we will start to tell on ourselves. Our actions will begin to tell what lies beneath. We will begin to lose our cool and allow our true feelings to unearth. It will force us to have to be honest about the things we have buried within our hearts.

The truth is the heart has a way of speaking its true contents. It will only allow the false sense of confidence long enough before driving you to a place of insanity to confess everything within it. We should be sure to clear things out so we do not put ourselves in compromising positions. We can avoid the Tell-Tale heart by disposing of things and people instead of burying them within us. It’s time for us to dispose of the things that we’ve tucked neatly under the floorboards of our hearts. Until we do, we will continue to be swallowed in guilt by the beating hearts that pound vehemently in our minds. Ask yourself, are there any hearts buried under your floor boards?

 

Let’s paint a scenario. You meet a wonderful person. You two hit it off and seem to be going somewhere. Even though it seems things are getting serious, they never quite make it there. You see potential in them but the potential is never quite actualized. Finally, after being tired of empty promises you decide to walk away from the situation. Shortly after you then watch the person who couldn’t get it together with you, go off and get in the relationship of their dreams and give their all to this new person. It seems as if everything that you were asking for they are doing in their new relationship. Now if you’re anything like me this is a scenario you’ve encounter often. The harsh reality is some of us face this more than we should. I’ve often wondered what causes a person to not do right by you but be everything to someone else. Are some people simply just meant to prepare people for the next person?

There is nothing worse than trying to push someone to step into who you believe they can be, only to see them do exactly that with someone else. But the part that hurts most is not necessarily the fact it is with someone else, but that it is with the person who came in their life immediately after you. See there is something that strikes a nerve when only months, sometimes even weeks after you were trying to build this person up, they decided to go build with someone new. It causes you to feel as if there is something wrong with you each time someone else gets to reap the benefits of the work you put in.

The real truth to all of this is there is no such thing as preparing someone for the next person they will meet. While they may very well grow through their time spent with you, it does not mean you “prepared” them. The truth is, they had everything they needed to be the best significant other they could be. You didn’t teach them anything they didn’t already know. They just chose not to exhibit it with you. No one learns how to be a super lover months after dealing with you. It just shows they were capable the entire time and just wasn’t trying to show you.

Let me just say this though, it is not your fault. Well not completely your fault that is. You played a role in how much you invested, but it’s not necessarily a deficit in you. Sometimes it is simply bad timing. Sometimes you meet a person who may have every intent of doing right by you but it just can’t happen at that point in time. It doesn’t mean that you are any less than the person who happened to walk into their life when the situation got better. It just simply means their timing was better than yours. I know that’s a hard pill to swallow because sometimes we want things to be deeper than what they are. We want to find some inner wrong that we can try to correct so that it doesn’t happen again. But the truth of the matter is sometimes it’s just the wrong time and unfortunately there is no way to stop that from happening. The only thing you can do is try to recognize immediately that the timing is off and not allow yourself to get too attached and try to convince yourself otherwise. The best thing to do is to look at all the signs that are obviously telling you the timing is wrong and accept it for what it is. The sooner you accept that the timing isn’t right, the less likely you are to be hurt by it.

I know what you’re thinking.  “Why wouldn’t they choose me once the timing got right.” You want the truth? They didn’t want you bad enough. I know it hurts but I’m not here to sugar coat it. If they really wanted to be with you they would have. If they believed you were as great as they told you, they would have waited until the time was right and came back for you; but they didn’t. They rode off into the sunset with the next person. Let me be clear, this does NOT make them a bad person. We try to demonize people too often for making the decision they have every right to make. There is no rule stating that just because you’re a good woman or man that people must want to be with you. People have the God-given right to choose who they please. It just hurts and it sucks when it’s not you.

The other part is people should be more honest about where they are in their ability to build a strong relationship. Too often people know that they cannot do right by someone yet they will string them along anyway. Then when they are finally at a place where they are willing to commit to doing things right, they meet someone else. Again, it’s the whole idea of timing. But if you know your timing is off, do not let someone believe things can become more than what they are. You leave too many broken hearts behind when you are not honest about what you’re willing to give.

I think the best thing that can save both sides of this scenario is honesty. But I cannot stress enough how important to be honest with yourself first is. You know this person has shown you that they’re not going to give to you what you deserve. Yet you try to fight to make it work. You are so determined to make them do right by you that you’re willing to stick around for as long as it will take to get what you want. And while yes we can get mad at the person who went and was super partner to someone else, you have to be mad at yourself too. Stop allowing people to waste your time. You knew six months ago they were beating around the bush. You chose to wait it out because you convinced yourself that good things are worth fighting for. NEWSFLASH: Good things include people who actually show they want to be with you. Stop trying to spiritualize wasted time and energy.

My biggest thing is you don’t have to be anyone’s preparation stage. At the end of the day there is no such thing. You just have to do better at not allowing yourself to believe that someone is going to give to you what they already showed you they won’t. They also must do better at making sure they don’t sell dreams to people on things they know they’ll never live up to. I just want to make sure that you remain encouraged and know there is nothing necessarily wrong with you or them. Sometimes things just don’t work out how we would like them to. The key is to be honest on both sides so that no one is disappointed or hurt out of the situation. Just know that the only thing and person that you are preparing, is yourself.

#relationshipgoals It’s the hashtag I see at least a few times a day. Every time I turn around I see a picture on social media ending its caption with this hashtag. Usually I try not to be negative but this is one of those things I genuinely dislike. Let me explain myself because I don’t want to come off like I’m being bitter. Recently there was another hashtag that broke the internet which was #foreverduncan. Social media was buzzing heavy when the video of the beautiful couple surfaced. For those of you unaware, a gentleman decided he would record the day he decided to propose AND marry his then girlfriend. Everyone was talking about how a real man knows what he wants and makes it known. There were tons of videos that adorned #foreverduncan #relationshipgoals. This was all short lived when all of a few days later the back story to the Duncan union came forth. The same people who were saying #relationhshipgoals then started saying they would not have waited that long for someone to propose to them. This story is exactly why I can’t stand this hashtag. How can you say goals to something you know nothing about?

For years I’ve watched this hashtag takeover. Picture after picture, post after post I watch people put this hashtag as if it is something you just casually say. “Y’all look so cute. #relationshipgoals.” “I absolutely love y’all #relationshipgoals.” No one ever says relationship goals to anything of substance like “Y’all communicate so effectively #relationshipgoals” or “y’all make sure you always support each other #relationshipgoals.” You know why? Because those things aren’t something you would find on social media. You can and should only share so much with the rest of the world about your relationship. So you’re basically saying that looking cute in a picture is a goal? What gets me though is how quick people turn on their relationship goals. Or people you once swore you would never be like are now your relationship goal of the week.

Look at Dewayne Wade and Gabrielle Union. I think most of us can agree that they are a cute couple. They take awesome pictures and appear to be happy. They make chocolate love look good. Let’s scroll back a few years though. When we found out that Dewayne had not only cheated on Gabby, but also produced a baby through this infidelity. Now I’m not saying this to judge them, I’m saying this to judge society. We crucified Gabby for staying with Dewayne through this. We called her stupid, insecure and weak. We got mad when she blamed herself for it all. Then low and behold, they had the wedding of the century and magically the #relationshipgoals started making its way back to their pictures. So my question is what part of their relationship is your goal? The child produced out of infidelity while the world watches, or the part where you blame yourself and get called stupid? Oh silly me, you just want the part where she walks down the aisle in a beautiful white dress and make cute snapchat stories. NEWS FLASH: it doesn’t work that way. When you say #relationshipgoals, you say it to the whole relationship. Yes, we see a happy couple now but we don’t know what they go through on a daily basis and clearly we see this was not an easy road.

I can only speak for myself but I never say relationship goals to any relationship. I know that sounds stuck up but I have my reasoning. I don’t care if it’s a celebrity or a relative. The reason I will never say relationship goals to anyone else’s relationship is because I don’t know the ins and outs of anyone’s relationship. Not my friends, family, co-workers and definitely not any celebrities. There is not a couple I know that I follow on a daily basis that I know every tidbit of their relationship to state that their relationship is a goal of mine. I’m just careful about what I say is a goal. I can see a couple and say #relationshipgoals but not know that the wife has been cheating on her husband for the last three years. You wishing for someone’s relationship but you don’t know her boyfriend has PTSD so they struggle with going out for date night. Let me say this, a couple may very well have a healthy and loving relationship. The issue for me is I may not want that love story. Just because it is healthy doesn’t mean it has to be mine. When we make someone else’s relationship our goal, we find ourselves trying to mirror their relationship and then get disappointed when it doesn’t work. It’s because it’s not yours. I know a lot of people who have healthy bodies. That doesn’t mean their body is a goal of mine. I may not even look right with their body. I would rather have my own body and make sure it is healthy in relation to my body type. It’s the same for relationships. Healthy does not mean a goal. At the end of the day, healthy for you may not be healthy for me.

The point I’m trying to make is society is obsessed with wanting what everyone else has. Everything that everyone else acquires looks more appealing. The issue though is we don’t know how other people got what they have, especially when it comes to relationships. We idolize the unknown and claim it to be something we desire. I know people right now in relationships that make their relationship look like a fairytale on social media, but don’t even know if they really love each other. Yet they stay getting #relationshipgoals under their pictures. Everyone wants to be Beyonce’ and Jay-Z but I think we all can agree, NO ONE knows the true depth of that relationship. Let’s stop wishing for what the next person has and start loving and appreciating what we have or what we desire based off ourselves. Think about what you desire in your relationship such as trust, fidelity and open communication and make that your relationship goal. Erase out of your mind this concept of trying to have what someone else has and strive to create what you want in your own relationship.  You’ll never be able to see the potential in your own situation as long as your focus is on someone else #beyourownrelationshipgoal.

While catching up with family and friends one day, a friend of mine offered up the suggestion of the topic the Notebook Effect. The name alone intrigued me so I listened intently for where she was going with the analogy. She begged the question, “How long should someone wait for someone else to choose them?” At this point I was sold on the topic because I had posed the question to myself many times over the years. I’m just going to tell you upfront, I am not going to give you a direct answer. You all should know by now giving magical numbers to answer complicated questions is not my thing. I would like to though explore this concept and what impact the media plays on people’s decision on the matter.

For the few of you who may not know, the Notebook is either one of the best or worst love stories ever told depending on your perception. It tells the story of two love struck people who are forbidden to be together because of their socioeconomic status. After the young man leaves to war he returns to find his old flame is engaged. Mind you the entire time he was away he was writing letters declaring his love for her but she never received the letters. Anyway they reconnect and the sparks fly, but as I stated before, she is engaged. She eventually as you can imagine makes the tough decision and chooses her once forbidden love. Now there is a lot of moments in which this man goes out his way to prove his love for this woman. He is constantly hoping that she fights against what others say and that she goes with her heart. This even brings up the issue of how much should you have to do to prove to someone you are right for them. That’s another post for another day though.

Maybe some of you have never been in this type of situation. For the rest of us, it is a scenario we often dread. The one in which you have fallen for someone and you BELIEVE (this is the key word here) they have fallen for you too. This is where things get sticky and vary for everyone. There is usually some kind of barrier that presents itself and makes it difficult for the two of you to be together. It could be distance, careers, lack of time or whatever. Either way, there is some barrier that supposedly (another key word) keeps y’all apart. So the problem then becomes, how long do you wait until the situation has rectified itself? I think the first question you have to ask yourself is, “Is this issue a real reason not to be together?” I think sometimes we make bigger issues out of things than what there really is. I know for a fact after looking back over situations in my own life, there were times me and that other person could have made things work. Instead we chose to give up on things because we created unnecessary roadblocks to what may have been a successful relationship. If the roadblock is real, you have to be honest with yourself and ask “is this person worth waiting on?”

The key question is do you believe that two people are meant for each other? That is the determining factor when most people decide to wait on someone. Most people wait to be chosen because they believe in their heart they are meant to be with the person they are waiting on. I personally believe two people can be made for each other. I also believe they are not the ONLY two people made for each other. I do not believe that there is only one person made for each of us. If that were the case it would be very discouraging trying to find that one person on an earth made up of over six billion people. I do though think it is very difficult to walk away from someone when you BELIEVE (that word again) this person is someone made for you. The point I’m making is there is more than one person made for you so that should be a determining factor to whether or not you should wait on someone. When you know you have the potential to meet someone else with these same great qualities, it is less pressing to wait for this particular person. Just keep in mind though, you have to actually meet someone else with these same great qualities. If it was that easy you wouldn’t be in this predicament though. Just saying….

The question that has become more pressing to me though is beyond time. My concern is now is, are we romanticizing breaking up happy homes to get the person who was “meant” for you. Going back to the Notebook, again as stated before, this woman was engaged. According to Biblical standards, an engagement is the first step to the marriage. Yet we love the fact these two characters got together. Another great example of this is one of our favorite tv couples, Dewayne and Whitley from A Different World. We all say one of our favorite television moments is when Dewayne boldly proclaimed his love for Whitley on her wedding day and she chooses him. While on one hand this seems extremely romantic because we always knew they should be together, we never discuss how her almost husband had to feel. Yes, two people in these situations got the person and their happily ever after. There is a third forgotten person though who was dragged into the situation who now has to pick up the pieces of what just happened. Is it ok to still hold on to someone that has moved on to someone else? Has entertainment and media made us believe this is ok?

Me personally, I believe that people need to come to their realizations about people sooner than later. If you know deep down in your heart you really want to be with someone, do not drag other people into your fear of committing to the person you know you really want. It is unfair to the person you’re passing the time with when you know your heart is with someone else. You knew the whole time you wanted to be with another person. As far as the other person, you have to do your own soul searching as to whether or not that is something you are willing to do. Are you ok with the idea of ruining someone else’s relationship to be with someone? Yeah the media makes it seem romantic but is that something you can live with in your relationship moving forward? The argument to that is if you believe you were made for someone, should you have to suffer without them because they messed up and got with someone else? Should you deny yourself the person you BELIEVE (and here it is again) is made for you?

I am all about evaluating yourself and your specific situation. I cannot tell anyone whether they should wait for someone or not. What I can tell you is there are some factors to consider before you make such a decision. You have to look at the situation for what it really is and how you really feel. I have seen people successfully wait on people and I have also seen people unfortunately waste a lot of time on people who weren’t trying to be waited on. The key is being completed honest with yourself and that person. You also have to be willing to take the risk either way. If you decide to wait you risk heartbreak, rejection and time lost. If you decide to walk away, you risk losing the opportunity at a great relationship, your heart’s desire and the possibility of never finding anyone else like them. My only advice is to take the risk you know your heart can handle reaping the repercussions of for the rest of your life. Just be sure to make that decision off of sound judgement, not off a romanticized skewed view of society. Just remember that honesty is the key to unlocking your hearts true longing. Choose wisely…….

 

One morning I arose to a text message from my line sister who is getting married in a few months. She was preparing for her bridal shower that was coming up that weekend. In her text she was letting me know that she was struggling to mentally adjust to what was happening. She stated she wasn’t used to getting all of this love and attention. She then said something that was even more profound. She posed the question, “why does one have to be getting married or having a baby in order to be showered with love?” That question is one I never asked directly but have always pondered upon. Why is it that society puts a special emphasis on praising relationships but no other accomplishments?

I have been perturbed by this for a while. I have watched time after time, people get all the love in the world when they get in relationships but barely any support in their other endeavors. I have an acquaintance who has worked hard on many things but sometimes struggles to get the support deserved. But as soon as a picture of them and their significant other gets posted, people who don’t support anything else comes out full force. I see pictures of couples get over 600 likes but “I got the job” posts get 100. Now I’m not saying the goal is to get likes on the book, but I am saying this has a psychological effect that many people don’t realize. I think this type of attention towards people who are in relationships makes the ones who aren’t, feel like what they are doing is less important. Just as my sis stated, why don’t we shower people with love just because? There are so many people who have never been showered before because they haven’t found that love yet. In my opinion this is why people start to become so desperate to be in love and will put up with unnecessary things to get it. Who doesn’t want to be showered with love? I just wonder how things would be if showers were not just for getting married and having babies. What if they were for business openings or purchasing a home? Yes, these things have fun parties to celebrate them, but they aren’t a shower of love to wish these people well on their endeavors. This way everyone can be showered with love because last I checked, women only get showers. Yes, men are starting to be more included in the baby shower process but it’s not their shower. Then when a man gets married, instead of getting a shower he gets put in tempting situations to remind him he’ll never be single again. Yeah that’s showering someone with love. *inserts sarcasm*

There is another person though I feel is even more left out. That’s the person who doesn’t have anything in particular going on in their life. Life isn’t bad for them, but there just isn’t anything out of the ordinary happening. Things may be good at work or with their business. They may be done with school fully. Yet society doesn’t seem to celebrate them. Why not? Is not living a peaceful life pursuing your dreams not worth showing love to? Just wait until this person gets a significant other. They’re going to be someone people care about simply because it’s something society cares about. This person though could use love and showering too just to keep them at a peaceful place.

Don’t get me started on the person who may not have anything figured out. They may still be trying to figure what business they want to start while working at a job they can’t stand all while struggling in school. See I’ve been this person and it is not fun. You feel neglected by society. You’re trying to get your life right but no one cares because you aren’t in a relationship. First thing people ask when they see you is “are you dating anyone yet.” Not “how is school or how is life treating you?” So with all the 101 other things you need to figure out in your life, you find yourself being pressed about how to become a part of this elite group of people in relationships. You reason to yourself that a relationship would make you feel better about all the other things you have going on in your life. But in all actuality, it only reminds you that you have 101 other things taking your attention that you would need to give in order to have a healthy relationship. I would say this is the person who needs showering the most. They need encouragement and reassurance because they already feel bad because they are trying to get the basic things in life together. They don’t need to be reminded that on top of all of that they’re single too.

See we are breeding a culture of people who are willing to get in a relationship by any means necessary. They are putting love at the top of their list of priorities because they want to be showered with love like everybody else. Now making love a priority is fine if your life is at a healthy place with everything else you have going on. But if you’re at a place where you’re still trying to figure things out, you might want to reconsider your quest for love. You have more important things you need to be worried about. You don’t want any relationship; you want a healthy one. Healthy relationships are taking a backseat though to these illusions that people are presenting on social media. Who wants a healthy relationship when I can have one that’s plastered all over the gram and gets me 300 likes. I’m not saying a relationship all over social media means it is unhealthy, but few of them are. It is rare that a couple in a healthy relationship puts everything out there for people to see. Especially in the dating relationship. Most couples wait until engagement and marriage so that they can protect their relationship from the abyss that is social media. Again though, when you want to be showered with love you put yourself out there to receive it.

Then you have those who are rushing relationships so they can get the ultimate shower of love. They want to hit that 1000 club on Facebook. I know it sounds ridiculous but you will be surprised with the subconscious thoughts of people today. Social media has messed some of us up. But nonetheless, we are rushing things because we want the attention it brings us. We do the same with children. We will rush having children because we love all the attention it brings. What people don’t think about is how there isn’t a shower for when y’all are going through it or when y’all break up or when you need a sitter and can’t find one. Unfortunately, you let the quest for love and attention push you into something that may eventually leave you right back in the reject shower less singles group of society.

I want to make myself clear, I’m not saying we should stop showing love to those who are in relationships, entering into marriage or having children. These are all beautiful things that deserve love and praise. What I am saying is that we should show love for all the other wonderful things that go on in our lives. We should shower people with love just because it may be the only thing that gets them through. No one should ever feel weird having a bridal shower or bachelor party because no one has ever shown them that much love and support before. Especially if they have done other things that were praise worthy. Let’s stop conditioning people to think love and children is the only way to get attention from others. So let’s all find someone today and shower them with love just because:)