Tag: fear of love

Post Traumatic Love Syndrome

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Image courtesy of https://www.fibrofix.com/blogs/news/childhood-trauma-and-stress-and-fibromyalgia-is-there-a-connection

 

Hey everyone!!! Can we just take a moment to celebrate that I’m being somewhat consistent with blogging again? Lol. Anywho, this topic has been on my heart for some time. Probably for almost a year. I think we all can agree that love can be a beautiful thing. The idea of having someone to love you unconditionally seems like a dream for most. The sad truth remains that the idea of love is not exciting for everyone. I wrote on this once, check it out HERE.

While some are excitedly dating and enjoying the anticipation of love, others are scared to death due to their previous experiences with the concept. There are people are petrified at the thought of trying to love again. For some people, getting to know someone almost feels traumatic. It triggers off feelings of being hurt and unsafe. This sounds eerily similar to a well-known yet misunderstood mental health diagnosis called Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

When someone has Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), they have a combination of symptoms that were triggered by a traumatic experience. These experiences can be but are not limited to war, car accidents, natural disasters, sexual assault, the sudden death of a loved one, etc. After working with many clients, talking with friends and looking at my own love life, I am realizing there may be an event we have left off the list. That event is heartbreak. If you’ve ever been heartbroken, I mean hurt to your soul heartbroken, then you know how traumatic that feels. It is something you hate to even remember. I describe it to clients as the kind of pain that you feel in your mind, body, spirit, and soul simultaneously.  It’s something that once you experience it, you never want to experience it again.

With that said, we can see how this starts to look similar to PTSD. There’s a traumatic event that then triggers off a series of symptoms. The symptoms often associated with PTSD are re-experiencing of the trauma, nightmares, avoiding thoughts or feelings about the trauma, hypervigilance, anger outbursts, etc. When I really started looking at the symptomology, I came to the startling realization that heartbreak was traumatizing people. Not in some overdramatic way, but truly to the point their lives are being disrupted. Their trust for love is buried under the fear from the trauma of heartbreak.

Think about it. We know people who are easily triggered by the thought of heartbreak. Let me make a point to highlight that I said heartbreak, not love. It is not love that scares people, it is heartbreak. The fear is in the failure of love, not the presence of it. The truth is, they want love, but they fear they will not be able to keep it.

Many people think that people fear they will never get someone. I disagree. I think many people know they have the capability to get someone. I think most people fear they will get love and mess it up. Which in turn creates heartbreak, which creates trauma. One of the symptoms of PTSD is distorted feelings of blame and guilt. How many people have blamed themselves for the heartbreak they endured? Since they carry that blame, they also carry the fear that they will bring the heartbreak on themselves again.

Another symptom of PTSD is avoiding thoughts or feelings about the trauma. How many people have we seen avoid thinking about their time of heartache like it was the plague? They don’t do it in an “I have healed and closed that chapter,” kind of way. They do it in an “I cannot mentally handle assessing those feelings,” kind of way. Feeling tense and on edge is another symptom. We see people who have been heartbroken like this all the time. They can barely enjoy a conversation with someone because they are so on edge. You constantly have to tell them, “just relax and enjoy getting to know them.” But that’s easier said than done for them. They become hypervigilant; constantly looking for a reason to be on the defense and jump ship for safety and security.

Why am I writing about this? Because I want us to be more patient with these people. We often get frustrated with people because they seem so guarded. They self-sabotage and they get in their own way. Yes, it is frustrating when you are the one on the other end who they keep pushing away. It’s frustrating when they seem to get cold for no reason. It’s annoying when they shut down out of nowhere. The truth is, there are people who have been hurt to a point of crippling fear. They want to get out of their head, but their fear keeps them locked inside of the mental prison created from their trauma. People like this need as much love, patience, and support as possible.

Now, let me come to the other end of this. Dear people suffering from Post Traumatic Love Syndrome, you DO NOT get to use your trauma as a get out of commitment-free card. *taps mic* Can you hear me? I hope you didn’t think I was just going to let you slip by because you’re hurting. Look, I get it. You have been hurt so bad that it shook you to your core. You vowed that you would never let yourself feel that low again. Good!!! But that should not be at the expense of the people who are trying to love you. At some point, you have to work through your trauma. Get in counseling, journal, pray, fast, process, HEAL. You can work through this trauma. You can get what you want which is love without experiencing what you fear which is heartache. You can’t though if you continue to look at love through the eyes of your past pain.

I just wanted to shed more light on this situation. I know there are frustrated people on both sides. People are tired of being bound by their previous heartache. People are also tired of having to pay for the trauma inflicted by someone else. I think the key is to be patient with others and be patient with ourselves. We have to be willing to acknowledge that this form of trauma exists and be patient as we all try to maneuver through it. I just want us all to get the love we desire. The key to that is healing and patience. I hope this helps. Happy healing!!!

It Doesn’t Have to Work

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Well, I would start off by apologizing for the wait, but I feel like a broken record. So instead, I’m just going to ask “did y’all miss me?” Well I missed giving you all content. I honestly wanted to write something for a while. I just didn’t feel inspired enough by any one topic. Well, today I realized it was time to end the drought, but I still didn’t know what I wanted to say. So, I asked myself, what message did I want to get out to the people? Then it spilled off my lips “it doesn’t have to work.” Ah, the phrase I recently discovered that has changed my dating life forever.

In my recent exploration of myself and the mess that had become my love life, I realized and stumbled upon a powerful phrase. A phrase that would help me and many other people be set free from the bondage of unhealthy, unfulfilling, and unfair expectations of relationships. That phrase was “it doesn’t have to work.” By now, you’re asking what is so powerful about this phrase. You want to know how five little words can do so much. I’m glad you asked.

For years, many of us have entered into relationships with the heavy burden of making it work. I have even written blog posts about how we give up so quickly in relationships. While I stand by the fact that we have to be willing to put in the work, I realized there can sometimes be an unspoken rule that binds us. The idea that no matter what, this has to work. Still not following?

Okay, say you meet someone. They’re great, they’re cute, they’re what you’re looking for. So after a few dates and conversations, you start thinking how you have to have them and this has to work. Or maybe you kept it cool initially, but now you’re in the relationship, and you feel like you have to put up with anything because “it has to work.”

We put so much pressure on ourselves when we fall for this lie, because that’s what it is, a lie. There is no where that it states anything has to work in dating and relationships. I’m about to say something that may mess you up, but, IT IS OKAY IF IT DOES NOT WORK OUT. It’s okay if the relationship doesn’t make it. You may be gasping for air but let me explain.

We always like to say quotes like “it’s better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.” Yet we forget about the “loved and lost” part. Sometimes we lose in love. That’s a part of the gamble. Everything in love is a risk. And sometimes, you try with people, and it doesn’t turn out like we hoped. Whether it ended on good or bad terms, it ended. That’s okay, because other times, we go for it, and we completely win in love. The trick is, you never know which one it will be. Yet we try to convince ourselves that we have to win in love because we’ve become afraid of losing.

It’s like going to a casino and telling yourself you have to win that night. While that sounds optimistic, what happens when you start realizing you’re losing to the point of no return? Do you step away from the table or the slot machine, or do you keep playing in hopes you can turn it around? While some people end up lucky and get back everything they lost and then some, many end up losing more than they originally planned to invest.

We do the same in love. We can be tapped out, but because we refuse to admit the loss, we will keep gambling with nothing left, in hopes to turn it around. If you get nothing else from me, know that it doesn’t have to work. Be okay with taking losses.  Because truth is, with this mindset, they won’t feel like losses. If you can learn to be okay with that concept early on, the better chances you have of not getting into relationships bound to fail later. How? Because you’ll be more alert, less pressed, and ultimately more relaxed, which will lead to clarity, which leads to honesty with self.

When you realize it doesn’t have to work, you can relax and be your authentic self from the beginning. You don’t feel the need to perform because you aren’t pressed to make them want you. You aren’t trying to do everything right so they will choose you. You won’t be so willing to look over the fact she hates kids or that he doesn’t believe in your goals. You will be more comfortable in walking away sooner. You will be ok when you recognize it’s just not working.

Now let me make this clear. This is not a scapegoat for those of you commitment phobes out there. Don’t go around using this as an excuse to not commit to anyone. “Yeah Tish said this doesn’t have to work so I won’t be committing to you.” No….. I’m simply giving you freedom from pressuring yourself to make things progress beyond stagnation, not run from progress altogether.

This also is not an excuse for people to just up and hop out of relationships or cut off the person who you were trying to ghost. Relationships are work. PERIOD. There is no perfect relationship. This is not permission to be lazy, or give up. When the relationship is worth it, you fight for it. You are going to have to put in work either way. Again, this is about keeping you from forcing something, not jumping ship or half performing.

I truly hope this helps. It has helped me in so many ways and I’m still getting used to it. It’s freeing and it helps to keep emotions down. It makes dating fun and enjoyable. No longer do you have to weigh yourself down with the false ideology that something has to work. The only time that applies is after you say “til death do us part.” But if you adapt this philosophy now, you won’t feel pressured to say those vows to just anyone. It is okay if things don’t work out. So relax, have fun, and take a gamble but keep your limits in mind. Above all else, enjoy it😉

Know Your Role

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courtesy of netflix.com

 

First, let me start off by saying happy new year everyone!!! I’m so excited for what’s to come from this year. So, in my typical late fashion, I recently finished the hit new series, “She’s Gotta Have It.” This is not a review of the show but may have some spoilers so read at your discretion. After watching the show, I thought I would dialogue about themes in it with some of my male friends. One conversation struck me. We were discussing the final episode of the season and the men in the main character, Nola Darling’s life. He reacted how I expected most men to about the episode. He called them “whack,” which initially made me chuckle. When I probed more to get understanding as to why he categorized them as such, one of his explanations was, they were doing too much considering Nola didn’t want more and to “KNOW YOUR ROLE.”

“Know your role,” a phrase that I’ve heard many times in my life, but never stung quite like this. I realized through this exchange this is a problem in dating today. Too many men and women are expected to know their role when the truth is, they’re in roles they don’t want and shouldn’t be in. Too often people sign up to be in situations with people when they know they want more. Then they are considered “whack” for a lack of a better term, when they start to step outside of that role.

For me, the issue is not that people need to know their role, it’s that people need to stop accepting lower roles than what they want. Too many people keep opting to stay in entry level positions when they should be and want to be in management. They know they are management material, but they are so loyal to the company, they take the position and stay. Stop holding onto companies that know you want to move up the ranks and deserve to, but keep you at the lower levels. There are many reasons a company may not promote you, but the key is, you’re not getting promoted. Then you’re considered annoying when you start trying to show up to management meetings and do management work. You are then hit with the phrase, “know your role.”

Let’s be clear, people must be willing to listen when people tell them they aren’t hiring for management. In other words, if they say they don’t want more and that all you will be is fun for them, LISTEN!!! Because if you don’t, you’ll find yourself operating outside of your role and in the role you really wish to have. That’s how you start volunteering for hurt like I talked about in a previous post HERE. Now are there men and women out there who are willing to just be fun for someone and nothing more, absolutely. If there is one ounce of you though that knows you want something more, do not lie or try to convince yourself that anything less will suffice.

To me, those men in Nola’s life aren’t whack, lame, stupid, or anything else I’m sure they’ll be called. They simply are doing too much for someone who is not willing to do the same for them. They allowed their love for her to overshadow their rational thinking, like many people do. They were too busy loving they stopped listening. Had they listened to what her words and actions were saying, they would have been walked away. Maybe we should stop shaming people for it and start encouraging people to wake up and go get the role they want.

So, my advice to you is, don’t know your role, know your worth. Stop playing roles in people’s lives you know you don’t want to play. There are people out there who are willing to give you the role you want. You don’t have to stick around for people, hoping one day your role will change. Don’t get stuck with the Nola Darling’s in life, who need you to simply, “know your role.” Know what role you want and don’t stop until you find the person who wants to give it to you.

The Broken Woman

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First off let me apologize for my absence. I promise to try to never go this long without posting again!!! My last post was on the Broken Man. Read it here. At the time I wrote it I didn’t think I would write a female version of the post. I felt it would be too obvious. I then realized regardless of how obvious it is that there are broken women, the reason behind the brokenness runs deeper than the surface level thoughts people may attribute it to. Obvious or not, it still needs to be addressed. So, here it is.

Just like with the broken man, society creates the broken woman. If you haven’t figured it out already, societal pressures can break people. See, society has been putting into the heads of women since they were young girls that their value is placed in their desirability of a mate. We teach women that single means defected. Therefore, women find themselves going above and beyond to obtain the holy grail which is companionship and love. This becomes detrimental because they go to any lengths to obtain it. So much so, they spend years of their lives in unhealthy situations because they would rather be broken in a bad relationship then be whole or even broken alone.

Unlike the broken man, the broken woman does not hop from relationship to relationship to run from herself, but instead to try to find herself. She thinks her identity is formed in her connection to a significant other. Unfortunately, she doesn’t realize that she loses more of herself each time she places HER identity into another human being.

While women are allowed to feel and heal from past hurts, they are only allowed to do so within the parameters society gives them.  If they take too long to heal they are pathetic. If they heal too fast they are thirsty and a serial monogamist. Even in this jaded healing, she is never really allowed to admit just how hurt she was. She also is expected to heal over and over again without ever becoming impacted or jaded by what she’s been through. Because remember, she needs to keep her eyes on the prize and get that perfect relationship that doesn’t exist. The relationship she is starting to lose faith in because she has been hurt so much.

Ladies, let me reassure you that your worth is not attached or impacted by your relationship status. Not having a significant other does not make you some broken toy that no one wants to play with. What breaks you is your constant pursuit of love despite of not healing from the unsuccessful attempts previously. As for the ladies who are on the other end of the spectrum, it’s ok to love again. Not every man is out to hurt you. Not every romance ends in heart break. You don’t have to keep a guard up forever.

We must address this because so many women are allowing their brokenness to keep them not only from healing, but from getting the love and companionship they actually deserve and desire. How long are you going to let what happened in the past keep dictating your present? How long are you going to hide behind your brokenness? You end up pushing away the very thing you want. You want to be the princess rescued by prince charming, instead you’ve become the fire breathing dragon that guards the castle. I’m not trying to blame you for what happened to you or be insensitive to your past hurt. I do though as your sister have the right to push you to take control of your healing and stop letting your hurt control you.

Fellas, I must be honest with you. You have to be patient with this woman. I beg of you, do not try to guilt a woman because she has been hurt before. Just be understanding and allow her the time and space she needs to feel comfortable enough to be vulnerable again. I’m not saying she gets to take her time and abuse your patience, but she does indeed need time. As for the woman who seems desperate to make something happen between you and her, I beg you, please don’t take advantage of her. She unfortunately has let societal pressures get the best of her. Don’t write her off as crazy. Just exhibit patience to her through your interactions with her. Lastly, I ask gentlemen, please don’t hurt this woman. I know sometimes it happens even when you aren’t trying, but just be intentional with her heart. She’s been through a lot and you hurting her is just going to make it harder for the man who actually wants to do right by her. If you won’t do it for her, do it for your fellow brethren who will encounter her. Also, be sure to hold each other as men accountable for the handling of women’s hearts.

The truth is, if you live long enough, at some point you will experience brokenness. The key is to identify it and put in the work to put yourself back together again. Ladies stop letting society force you into brokenness. Stop letting the pressure of thinking you need a significant other cloud your judgement. On the other side, do not let your past hurt keep you from enjoying and receiving the love you want. At some point you must take authority over your healing. No more brokenness. The time to heal, is now…

The Broken Man

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Courtesy of malecodependence.com

I’ve been wanting to talk about this topic for some time now. This subject became dear to me roughly about a year ago. During that time I was becoming more and more aware of the brokenness of numerous men I knew. It was at this time that I realized how broken some men really are.

I know we don’t talk about it much in society but let me just say this plainly, men hurt too. We don’t like to attribute feelings to the male species, but we must stop denying their human nature. We think if we turn our heads to male emotion it will somehow disappear. What happens though when that pent up emotion begins to manifest into maladaptive behaviors? When men start hurting every woman who crosses their path even when they don’t want to. When commitment becomes a paralyzing phobia. When bed hopping becomes a remedy to pain. Then we are ready to call men dogs. We are ready to write books, articles and dissertations about how men “aint sh*t” and how they need to get it together. We give them terms like “f^*# boys” and defame their characters. But what we fail to realize is those behaviors stem from emotions we stifled. We create monsters and then get frustrated for them acting as such.

What we fail to do is allow men to hurt and furthermore to heal. We tell men that when their heart is broken they should just get over it. We assume they don’t feel it. We encourage them to go hang out with the boys and find a pair of legs to get between. Through ignoring their pain we create men with high body counts and low emotional tolerance. We teach them that a good sexual performance can cover their emotional scars. So with every stroke they bury themselves further under their pain.

I’m here to encourage my kings and say IT’S OK TO HURT!!! Do NOT let people make you think you are less of a man because you need time to heal. You are not weak for feeling pain. You can admit you are sad about the break up. You can be honest and say she hurt you. You can be honest and say you are disappointed things didn’t work out. You can admit you wish your mother was more loving. You can say you wish your dad spent more time with you. IT’S OK!!!

Ladies let me come down your street for a moment. We cannot keep assuming men are fine. We cannot keep perpetuating the exact behavior that ends up hurting us too. If that man says he’s not ready for a relationship, leave him alone. Don’t make him feel bad for being honest about what he knows he can’t handle right now. Let me take it a step further. Stop playing games with men because you think they don’t care. When you play with a man you not only continue to scar him, but you make it harder for every woman who will come after you. Because he won’t be allowed to deal with his feelings, he will continue to bleed all over every woman because his wounds never get time to heal. I can hear some of y’all now “don’t make excuses for them.” Trust me I’m not. I’m all for people taking responsibility. Believe me, I’m coming for them too. “Well I’m a good woman and the ‘hurt men’ don’t appreciate it.” We have to stop acting like men aren’t out here going through it with women too. NEWSFLASH: “NO GOOD” WOMEN EXIST!!! Just like women start closing themselves off to men because they fear they’ll be hurt again, is the same way men start to close themselves off. Now just imagine not being allowed to feel or heal. Wouldn’t you be afraid to open up too? Knowing if you get hurt you won’t be granted the permission to express it and deal with it without having to defend your masculinity and manhood.

Now fella’s let me be all the way clear, I am by no means giving you all a free pass to be screwing people over. I just want to speak on something y’all aren’t readily allowed to express. I must say though, at some point, you all must be willing to step up and get the healing you need. You all have to stop allowing society to make you out to be these heartless creatures. You have to open your mouths and tell people that you hurt too. Even that homeboy who will try to make you seem less of a man, even though he has the same struggles but won’t admit it. How long will you keep hopping from person to person before you accept that the healing you long for comes only through acceptance of your own feelings? You deserve to get healing but it comes only by taking responsibility to do so. Stop letting society bully you into putting your masculinity into lack of commitment and sexual performance. Stop letting society demean your humanity by reducing your masculinity every time you admit your feelings got hurt. You are human and you need emotional healing just like women. You may heal differently but you need to heal nonetheless. You can only stay broken for so long before you fall completely apart. Make sure to prioritize your healing.

All I want is for men to be allowed to be human. I’m tired of men being painted out and expected to be emotional robots. It causes deep wounds that wind up hurting everyone that comes in their paths. We must start to normalize having feelings. Having feelings or hurt feelings is not the issue, lack of emotional regulation is. So, fellas just know I understand. I know it’s not easy dealing with feelings that you aren’t supposed to acknowledge you have. But no more brokenness. No more hiding behind physicality. It’s ok to heal and the time to do so, is now.

Stop Trying to Force Your Heart Onto Others…

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A friend of mine once was in a situation in which they really cared for someone who didn’t seem to share the same sentiments. There seemed to be some attraction and chemistry but the other person didn’t want what my friend wanted. My friend didn’t take this well and found themselves in a spiral of emotions as everything they did became engulfed in trying to prove themselves to this person in hopes to one day change their mind. This obviously left my friend hurt, trying to figure out what went wrong. Once while I was discussing the situation with another friend, I stated “we just have to learn to stop trying to force our hearts on to people.”

Ever meet an amazing person. You think they have amazing potential and you desire to have more with them. So you begin to devise a plan in your mind to make them yours. Then something throws a wrench into your plans. They aren’t in agreement with what you want. You want them but they don’t want you. As hurtful as it sounds, it happens. But how many of us continue to try to force a situation on that person even after they have expressed they aren’t interested in what you have to offer.

If you’re anything like me, this is a sensitive subject. The harsh reality is we often times try to force our hearts on to someone when they have clearly shown us, if not said, they do not want it. I get it, we’re amazing and people should want to be with us. While this is true, the truth also remains that not everyone will want to be with you and that’s ok. We have to stop trying to force people to want us the way we want them.

What makes it worse is we then keep the person bound to us by trying to guilt them because they didn’t want us. So they sometimes stick around because you made them feel so guilty about something they have every right to do which is not want you. We become so relentless. You constantly keep trying to make them see how great you would be and practically get into audition mode every time they come around.

The worse part of it all is that we then become heartbroken when we finally wake up and accept the fact this person was serious when they said they didn’t want to be with you. Now you’re mad at them. We can’t make people pay for the damage to our heart we inflicted through lack of acceptance. They told you countless times through words and actions they had no intentions of being anything more with you. You insisted on trying to prove them wrong about their own feelings. “Well I thought they liked me because they didn’t try to disconnect from me.” There’s a difference between someone liking you, having intentions to move forward with you and a person who simply enjoys your convenience.

Truth is, after a while they saw you weren’t going to stop trying to prove yourself so they stopped trying to stop you. So now they just enjoy the convenience of having someone bend over backwards for them without having to give anything in return. It doesn’t make then heartless or a bad person. It simply makes them human.

Just because someone likes you doesn’t mean they want to be with you and have a future with you. Liking someone does not guarantee a future. Haven’t you ever liked someone but had no intention of moving forward with them? Everyone you like is not someone to plan a future with. It just sucks when the person on the non-receiving end is you.

Now let me be clear, I am not talking about the person that made you believe they were really interested and then all of a sudden hits you left field and says they don’t want anything. That is different because you were under the impression y’all were working towards the same thing. But the moment that person tells you and shows you they are not trying to be anything more with you, ACCEPT IT!!!

“How will I know if they are showing me they don’t want more?” It’s in their lack of time and investment. They are careful to never say anything romantically charged towards you. They constantly drop hints and reminders that y’all are “just friends.” When you become overly flirtatious they withdraw and become distant. These are just a few but there are numerous ways someone can show you they aren’t interested in more. Truth is you know exactly what they are but you are looking for validation that you still aren’t going to accept once confirmed.

Let me charge y’all with this, stop forcing your heart on people. It is an easy way to get hurt and be highly disappointed. Listen to that person. If they tell you you’re a great person but they just aren’t ready or interested, believe them. Stop trying to change their mind. Stop putting in work for someone who already told you they aren’t trying to give you the position. While it isn’t an easy pill to swallow, it is better than wasted energy and emotion. Even though you don’t understand it, respect it. Besides, your heart is too precious to be given away 😊

4:44 Why Beyonce’ Getting Cheated On Shouldn’t Scare You

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courtesy of mirror.co.uk

Naturally there has been nonstop buzz about the recent Jay-Z album 4:44. While some are ranting and raving over the lyrical genius of one the greatest rappers to ever do it, others are focusing on the love life of Hov and Beyoncé that seem to unravel on the tracks. Particularly, Jay’s infidelities being confirmed. Now I don’t mind people having some discussion over the matter, it’s what is being said that is bothering me the most. I’m seeing countless posts, statuses, and memes with the same message that “if Beyoncé got cheated on then there’s no hope for the rest of us.” This…. this I can’t rock with.

Let me just get to the point. Ladies, Beyoncé getting cheated on shouldn’t scare you because you’re not Beyoncé sis…. Now I know you probably think I’m being sarcastic. I promise I’m not. Let me explain. You are not a world known superstar. You are not one of the wealthiest women in entertainment. You don’t have millions of fans. In other words, you don’t have Beyoncé problems which might have led to the infidelity. Still not following? Ok, Beyoncé is by far the most sought-after celebrity on the planet. She is the only artist who could rival a fan base of MJ. She is celebrities’ favorite celebrity. She has reached a level of fame that few artists reach. Now imagine being the man married to her.

Last year I wrote a post on Beyoncé’s lemonade. Read it here. In it I discussed how hard it must be to be married to the most popular woman on the planet and how that must make Jay feel at times. Say what you want, but it does something to a man to be considered second rate to your spouse. For there to probably be times people bypass you just so they can get to your wife. And I’m sure some men are saying “whatever I’ll be second to Beyoncé any day.” Well you say that now until people start referring to her as “King Bey” and you start to feel emasculated as a man.

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courtesy of baddiebeyfashion.wordpress.com

Then to make matters worse, this man is an artist too. He is known to some as the best rapper alive and yet the main thing people focus on is his connection to the Queen herself. It’s one thing for your wife to be more famous than you, it’s another when she’s more famous in the same industry. It’s even worse when your talent becomes overshadowed by her and her success.

With all that said, Jay might have sought validation in the women he cheated with. Jay might have searched for his fame before it was so wrapped up into his wife. He may have been seeking to feel important again. Now this is all psychological speculation. I will never know the whole truth as to why Sean Carter decided to step out on the world’s biggest superstar. I just wonder how much of it was to feel a void that his amazingly talented wife’s fame created.

I can hear y’all now “that’s not a reason to cheat on your wife.” Well let y’all tell it Lemonade was fake, right? Shade aside, you’re absolutely right. NOTHING justifies cheating on a spouse. But I can understand it. “That’s just male pride.” We must stop trying to make men feel bad for their genetic makeup. Men like to feel important. Period. So if you are constantly in a position that makes him feel less than, it may cause issues for him that could push him to seek outside validation. This is why it’s important to pump your man up as much as possible.

Now my heart goes out to Beyoncé Giselle Knowles Carter. This woman simply worked her butt off to obtain the fame many dream of but it could be the very thing that shakes up her marriage. The pain of infidelity is one no amount of money or fame can wash away. Beyoncé doesn’t make people worship the ground she walks on. Yet people doing such things could be alienating her husband and making him feel less than. Is there ever enough validation to make up for the fact your Beyoncé? I’m not sure but with two new healthy babies I hope they have found the solution and I wish their union the best.

So you see, none of us should be worried because none of us are anywhere near being on Beyoncé status. All hope is not lost. But I do hope everyone sees how elevation of a spouse can play a role in marriage. While you may not be superstars, you may find yourself in a position that pushes your man to the background. Be sure to validate him and remind him of how important he is. And fellas I know it’s hard but communicate if you feel like you’re being pushed aside. Give your partner a chance to validate you before you decide you’re just going to go and get it elsewhere. So, ladies, don’t worry. Just sip your lemonade with ease because for once, you should be happy you’re not Beyoncé.

Hidden Hearts; Why you should tell them how you really feel

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courtesy of realestateofftheleash.com

A few days ago I posted my weekly #TishToken stating “the unspoken words of the heart are often held hostage in the mind.” Normally my tokens don’t inspire my blogs but this one touched me in a soft spot. How many of us have held our hearts captive by keeping its true desires locked away in our thoughts? How many times have we thought or talked ourselves out of what we want?

Earlier this week I was working with a couple in session. The woman stated she was afraid to dream of them being together forever in case it didn’t happen. I proceeded to tell her how funny it is that we are willing to take risks on everything else in life, but we resist to be bold with matters of the heart. I stressed to her that just like any other major success, love requires taking a risk. I explained that we can’t want the reward of love without taking the risk of believing it can happen. The irony is you may be more successful in gaining your hearts desires from being bold than you are any other endeavor. Yet we shy away in timid fashion when it comes to professing our love. We can be willing to leave jobs, start businesses, go back to school, move out of state, ask for a raise or anything else. Yet the thought of telling someone you love them, telling someone how you REALLY feel, makes you want to throw up. Why?!

I’m finishing up 13 Reasons Why and I can’t help but be engulfed in the sad love story of Hannah and Clay. What hurts me the most was all the unspoken truths that both of them needed to hear. Fear paralyzed them, keeping them both from setting each other free. And while all tragic love stories don’t end in a suicide, how many love stories have we allowed to die prematurely because we were too afraid to say how we felt? Are we holding back words that someone else may need to hear? Not to motivate them to live, but to motivate them to love.

Why do we allow ourselves to let love slip through our grasps? Why do we open our hearts to love but then close our lips to keep from expressing it? We come up with every reason why we shouldn’t say anything, never thinking of how great things could be if we did. We get so caught up in how people may react, we forget how important it is for us to speak our truth. I told a client recently that the reward is not in the response, it’s in the release. Too often we dictate whether we should say something based on the response of the person to whom we are delivering the message. But we can’t control their response. Instead we should get joy out of simply releasing something that our heart has been longing to say, regardless of what the response is. The problem is we never want to be the one to say it first. We are always too afraid to be the one to make the first move out of fear of rejection. Fear of rejection is nothing more than putting the reward in the response. When are we going to let go of foolish games of fear, and allow ourselves to express our true feelings, regardless of reaction?

Love is not meant to be hoarded, it’s meant to be given and expressed. Instead we hold on to it, letting our hearts and minds carry the weight it was meant to relinquish. Then you find yourself unable to deal with it anymore. That’s when you see people popping up at weddings or engagement parties (Dwayne and Whitley), trying to express their love. You get mad when they move on but the truth is you had your chance. You chose not to take it. Or you remain in silence for the rest of your life. You move on and find someone else, you may even be happy. But deep down inside there’s a part of you that will never let go of the what if that you created out of fear.

So I want to encourage someone today, speak your heart’s truth. Tell them how you feel. I’m not promising a happily ever after, but you owe yourself the peace of mind of getting it off your chest. Set yourself, and your heart free today. For all you know they may need to hear what you have to say in order to free them too. Stop letting fear and overthinking keep you bound. JUST SAY IT!!!!!