Tag: lack of committment

Post Traumatic Love Syndrome

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Image courtesy of https://www.fibrofix.com/blogs/news/childhood-trauma-and-stress-and-fibromyalgia-is-there-a-connection

 

Hey everyone!!! Can we just take a moment to celebrate that I’m being somewhat consistent with blogging again? Lol. Anywho, this topic has been on my heart for some time. Probably for almost a year. I think we all can agree that love can be a beautiful thing. The idea of having someone to love you unconditionally seems like a dream for most. The sad truth remains that the idea of love is not exciting for everyone. I wrote on this once, check it out HERE.

While some are excitedly dating and enjoying the anticipation of love, others are scared to death due to their previous experiences with the concept. There are people are petrified at the thought of trying to love again. For some people, getting to know someone almost feels traumatic. It triggers off feelings of being hurt and unsafe. This sounds eerily similar to a well-known yet misunderstood mental health diagnosis called Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

When someone has Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), they have a combination of symptoms that were triggered by a traumatic experience. These experiences can be but are not limited to war, car accidents, natural disasters, sexual assault, the sudden death of a loved one, etc. After working with many clients, talking with friends and looking at my own love life, I am realizing there may be an event we have left off the list. That event is heartbreak. If you’ve ever been heartbroken, I mean hurt to your soul heartbroken, then you know how traumatic that feels. It is something you hate to even remember. I describe it to clients as the kind of pain that you feel in your mind, body, spirit, and soul simultaneously.  It’s something that once you experience it, you never want to experience it again.

With that said, we can see how this starts to look similar to PTSD. There’s a traumatic event that then triggers off a series of symptoms. The symptoms often associated with PTSD are re-experiencing of the trauma, nightmares, avoiding thoughts or feelings about the trauma, hypervigilance, anger outbursts, etc. When I really started looking at the symptomology, I came to the startling realization that heartbreak was traumatizing people. Not in some overdramatic way, but truly to the point their lives are being disrupted. Their trust for love is buried under the fear from the trauma of heartbreak.

Think about it. We know people who are easily triggered by the thought of heartbreak. Let me make a point to highlight that I said heartbreak, not love. It is not love that scares people, it is heartbreak. The fear is in the failure of love, not the presence of it. The truth is, they want love, but they fear they will not be able to keep it.

Many people think that people fear they will never get someone. I disagree. I think many people know they have the capability to get someone. I think most people fear they will get love and mess it up. Which in turn creates heartbreak, which creates trauma. One of the symptoms of PTSD is distorted feelings of blame and guilt. How many people have blamed themselves for the heartbreak they endured? Since they carry that blame, they also carry the fear that they will bring the heartbreak on themselves again.

Another symptom of PTSD is avoiding thoughts or feelings about the trauma. How many people have we seen avoid thinking about their time of heartache like it was the plague? They don’t do it in an “I have healed and closed that chapter,” kind of way. They do it in an “I cannot mentally handle assessing those feelings,” kind of way. Feeling tense and on edge is another symptom. We see people who have been heartbroken like this all the time. They can barely enjoy a conversation with someone because they are so on edge. You constantly have to tell them, “just relax and enjoy getting to know them.” But that’s easier said than done for them. They become hypervigilant; constantly looking for a reason to be on the defense and jump ship for safety and security.

Why am I writing about this? Because I want us to be more patient with these people. We often get frustrated with people because they seem so guarded. They self-sabotage and they get in their own way. Yes, it is frustrating when you are the one on the other end who they keep pushing away. It’s frustrating when they seem to get cold for no reason. It’s annoying when they shut down out of nowhere. The truth is, there are people who have been hurt to a point of crippling fear. They want to get out of their head, but their fear keeps them locked inside of the mental prison created from their trauma. People like this need as much love, patience, and support as possible.

Now, let me come to the other end of this. Dear people suffering from Post Traumatic Love Syndrome, you DO NOT get to use your trauma as a get out of commitment-free card. *taps mic* Can you hear me? I hope you didn’t think I was just going to let you slip by because you’re hurting. Look, I get it. You have been hurt so bad that it shook you to your core. You vowed that you would never let yourself feel that low again. Good!!! But that should not be at the expense of the people who are trying to love you. At some point, you have to work through your trauma. Get in counseling, journal, pray, fast, process, HEAL. You can work through this trauma. You can get what you want which is love without experiencing what you fear which is heartache. You can’t though if you continue to look at love through the eyes of your past pain.

I just wanted to shed more light on this situation. I know there are frustrated people on both sides. People are tired of being bound by their previous heartache. People are also tired of having to pay for the trauma inflicted by someone else. I think the key is to be patient with others and be patient with ourselves. We have to be willing to acknowledge that this form of trauma exists and be patient as we all try to maneuver through it. I just want us all to get the love we desire. The key to that is healing and patience. I hope this helps. Happy healing!!!

It Doesn’t Have to Work

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Well, I would start off by apologizing for the wait, but I feel like a broken record. So instead, I’m just going to ask “did y’all miss me?” Well I missed giving you all content. I honestly wanted to write something for a while. I just didn’t feel inspired enough by any one topic. Well, today I realized it was time to end the drought, but I still didn’t know what I wanted to say. So, I asked myself, what message did I want to get out to the people? Then it spilled off my lips “it doesn’t have to work.” Ah, the phrase I recently discovered that has changed my dating life forever.

In my recent exploration of myself and the mess that had become my love life, I realized and stumbled upon a powerful phrase. A phrase that would help me and many other people be set free from the bondage of unhealthy, unfulfilling, and unfair expectations of relationships. That phrase was “it doesn’t have to work.” By now, you’re asking what is so powerful about this phrase. You want to know how five little words can do so much. I’m glad you asked.

For years, many of us have entered into relationships with the heavy burden of making it work. I have even written blog posts about how we give up so quickly in relationships. While I stand by the fact that we have to be willing to put in the work, I realized there can sometimes be an unspoken rule that binds us. The idea that no matter what, this has to work. Still not following?

Okay, say you meet someone. They’re great, they’re cute, they’re what you’re looking for. So after a few dates and conversations, you start thinking how you have to have them and this has to work. Or maybe you kept it cool initially, but now you’re in the relationship, and you feel like you have to put up with anything because “it has to work.”

We put so much pressure on ourselves when we fall for this lie, because that’s what it is, a lie. There is no where that it states anything has to work in dating and relationships. I’m about to say something that may mess you up, but, IT IS OKAY IF IT DOES NOT WORK OUT. It’s okay if the relationship doesn’t make it. You may be gasping for air but let me explain.

We always like to say quotes like “it’s better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.” Yet we forget about the “loved and lost” part. Sometimes we lose in love. That’s a part of the gamble. Everything in love is a risk. And sometimes, you try with people, and it doesn’t turn out like we hoped. Whether it ended on good or bad terms, it ended. That’s okay, because other times, we go for it, and we completely win in love. The trick is, you never know which one it will be. Yet we try to convince ourselves that we have to win in love because we’ve become afraid of losing.

It’s like going to a casino and telling yourself you have to win that night. While that sounds optimistic, what happens when you start realizing you’re losing to the point of no return? Do you step away from the table or the slot machine, or do you keep playing in hopes you can turn it around? While some people end up lucky and get back everything they lost and then some, many end up losing more than they originally planned to invest.

We do the same in love. We can be tapped out, but because we refuse to admit the loss, we will keep gambling with nothing left, in hopes to turn it around. If you get nothing else from me, know that it doesn’t have to work. Be okay with taking losses.  Because truth is, with this mindset, they won’t feel like losses. If you can learn to be okay with that concept early on, the better chances you have of not getting into relationships bound to fail later. How? Because you’ll be more alert, less pressed, and ultimately more relaxed, which will lead to clarity, which leads to honesty with self.

When you realize it doesn’t have to work, you can relax and be your authentic self from the beginning. You don’t feel the need to perform because you aren’t pressed to make them want you. You aren’t trying to do everything right so they will choose you. You won’t be so willing to look over the fact she hates kids or that he doesn’t believe in your goals. You will be more comfortable in walking away sooner. You will be ok when you recognize it’s just not working.

Now let me make this clear. This is not a scapegoat for those of you commitment phobes out there. Don’t go around using this as an excuse to not commit to anyone. “Yeah Tish said this doesn’t have to work so I won’t be committing to you.” No….. I’m simply giving you freedom from pressuring yourself to make things progress beyond stagnation, not run from progress altogether.

This also is not an excuse for people to just up and hop out of relationships or cut off the person who you were trying to ghost. Relationships are work. PERIOD. There is no perfect relationship. This is not permission to be lazy, or give up. When the relationship is worth it, you fight for it. You are going to have to put in work either way. Again, this is about keeping you from forcing something, not jumping ship or half performing.

I truly hope this helps. It has helped me in so many ways and I’m still getting used to it. It’s freeing and it helps to keep emotions down. It makes dating fun and enjoyable. No longer do you have to weigh yourself down with the false ideology that something has to work. The only time that applies is after you say “til death do us part.” But if you adapt this philosophy now, you won’t feel pressured to say those vows to just anyone. It is okay if things don’t work out. So relax, have fun, and take a gamble but keep your limits in mind. Above all else, enjoy it😉

Know Your Role

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courtesy of netflix.com

 

First, let me start off by saying happy new year everyone!!! I’m so excited for what’s to come from this year. So, in my typical late fashion, I recently finished the hit new series, “She’s Gotta Have It.” This is not a review of the show but may have some spoilers so read at your discretion. After watching the show, I thought I would dialogue about themes in it with some of my male friends. One conversation struck me. We were discussing the final episode of the season and the men in the main character, Nola Darling’s life. He reacted how I expected most men to about the episode. He called them “whack,” which initially made me chuckle. When I probed more to get understanding as to why he categorized them as such, one of his explanations was, they were doing too much considering Nola didn’t want more and to “KNOW YOUR ROLE.”

“Know your role,” a phrase that I’ve heard many times in my life, but never stung quite like this. I realized through this exchange this is a problem in dating today. Too many men and women are expected to know their role when the truth is, they’re in roles they don’t want and shouldn’t be in. Too often people sign up to be in situations with people when they know they want more. Then they are considered “whack” for a lack of a better term, when they start to step outside of that role.

For me, the issue is not that people need to know their role, it’s that people need to stop accepting lower roles than what they want. Too many people keep opting to stay in entry level positions when they should be and want to be in management. They know they are management material, but they are so loyal to the company, they take the position and stay. Stop holding onto companies that know you want to move up the ranks and deserve to, but keep you at the lower levels. There are many reasons a company may not promote you, but the key is, you’re not getting promoted. Then you’re considered annoying when you start trying to show up to management meetings and do management work. You are then hit with the phrase, “know your role.”

Let’s be clear, people must be willing to listen when people tell them they aren’t hiring for management. In other words, if they say they don’t want more and that all you will be is fun for them, LISTEN!!! Because if you don’t, you’ll find yourself operating outside of your role and in the role you really wish to have. That’s how you start volunteering for hurt like I talked about in a previous post HERE. Now are there men and women out there who are willing to just be fun for someone and nothing more, absolutely. If there is one ounce of you though that knows you want something more, do not lie or try to convince yourself that anything less will suffice.

To me, those men in Nola’s life aren’t whack, lame, stupid, or anything else I’m sure they’ll be called. They simply are doing too much for someone who is not willing to do the same for them. They allowed their love for her to overshadow their rational thinking, like many people do. They were too busy loving they stopped listening. Had they listened to what her words and actions were saying, they would have been walked away. Maybe we should stop shaming people for it and start encouraging people to wake up and go get the role they want.

So, my advice to you is, don’t know your role, know your worth. Stop playing roles in people’s lives you know you don’t want to play. There are people out there who are willing to give you the role you want. You don’t have to stick around for people, hoping one day your role will change. Don’t get stuck with the Nola Darling’s in life, who need you to simply, “know your role.” Know what role you want and don’t stop until you find the person who wants to give it to you.

Why Men REALLY Won’t Commit; The Role Women Play

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Courtesy of lakianichole.com

Over the holiday break while I was browsing through my timeline, I came across a Derrick Jaxn video entitled “Why He Won’t Commit but Won’t Leave You Alone.” I instantly clicked on the video because I was intrigued as to what he would say is the cause. In a nutshell, he said something I have been saying for years but many women, myself included, tend to keep messing up. Some women feel this is an issue to blame on men. While I always believe everyone plays a part, I think women have to admit the part played in the lack of commitment from some men.

My favorite part of the video was him stating that a man is not a bad man because he doesn’t commit but continues to hang around. I’m sure some women feel as though this is unfair and that no one should lead someone on. Technically, they aren’t leading anyone on. They have shown you they aren’t trying to commit to you, but you insist on trying to prove to them you will be great anyway. But the truth is, it is easy for us to allow people to do nice things for us and be there for us even though we know we don’t share the same sentiment. Ladies how many times have you allowed men to wine and dine you, knowing you have no interest in them? Or how many times have you let him be your shoulder to cry on and go to person knowing he really cares about you but he’s deep in the friendzone? Yet you don’t see anything wrong with it. Why? Because it’s nice getting the best parts of someone without the hassle and frustration of unwarranted emotions that come from being romantically involved. If I can get your friendship, laughs, support and fun time without having to cater and commit to you, why not do so?

I know it seems I have been on a kick lately of trying to come for the ladies. That is not the case at all. This post is more endearing then it may sound. We’ve all been there. Hurt, feeling broken and frustrated. Mad yet again because another man wasted your time. Mad because another guy led you on. Mad because he didn’t commit to you. You felt you did everything you were supposed to and it wasn’t enough. Well, I hate to be the bearer of bad news but the men may not be all to blame.

Unfortunately, too many women are putting in volunteer work expecting to get paid. They are putting in work for a company that hasn’t even hired them yet. You interviewed for the position and just started showing up for work. Then you get mad when pay day rolls around and you don’t have a check. You can get mad at the company all you want but they are not obligated to pay you for what you’ve done. Just because you decide to support a man, be a great friend to him, compliment him and potentially even sleep with him does not mean he is obligated to do the same. It also does not obligate him to give you the position. You think if you work hard enough he’ll see what a great job you do and be ready to wife you. In actuality, it just shows him he doesn’t have to give you a title to get your best work.

One thing I admire about men is they will not enter into something they do not see is beneficial for them. They exert minimal effort until they see the benefit of it. A lesson women could use. Therefore, a man will not give you the position you want unless you have shown that there is something he’ll gain by giving it to you. Most men would love to give the position to women. They aren’t trying to be facetious when not committing, they just haven’t seen the benefit of the headache that will come with committing to you. They haven’t seen where the benefit will outweigh the frustration. Seems harsh? Maybe, but true nonetheless. Relationships are work and come with aggravating times. A man knows his emotions will be impacted and his nerves will be worked. Therefore, he must know that along with that, he’ll get an amazing woman whose positives make the frustration worth it. Again, if a woman is giving all the positives without having a commitment, there will be nothing to motivate him to take on the frustrations of a commitment.

I know it seems backwards to women because it is not how we think. You should be willing to understand how the man sees it if you are going to get out of the lack of commitment rut you are in. Nothing hurts worse than having to admit you are the reason men won’t commit to you. It also feels better to place the blame elsewhere. If anything, use this as a chance to empower yourself. When you know better you do better. Now you know to only give so much of yourself up front. You only have to show your potential through minimal effort. You do not have to give everything you have to a man for him to want to commit. Stop letting the fear of loneliness trick you into volunteering your best work for a paid position. Showing up early and staying late, bringing the coffee and doing all the work will not get you the position any faster. If anything, it will delay your hiring process. It will not make you stand out among the other applicants who want the position either. If anything, he’ll end up choosing the one who did the least amount of work, because he was intrigued to see what he could get once he chose her. You have the power to get the commitment you desire. The key is to do just enough to show what you are capable of. Not do everything.

I hope this helps. I just want everyone to get the love and commitment they desire. Men are not bad people because they allow you to do things for them and not commit to you. They are simply human. It is time for women to scale back and allow themselves to be offered the position they desire without begging for it through acts of desperation. Ladies you don’t have to fear he won’t choose you. You just have to be confident in what you can do and will be in a relationship. I look forward to seeing you get what you want.