While recently in session, I witnessed one of the most amazing things I’ve seen in a while between a couple. After them having a moment of frustration and exchanging of choice words, he proceeds to tell me how wonderful she is. “She’s an amazing woman. Everything you’d ever want or need out of a wife.” He went on to say how she deserved to be happy, married and have a husband who can give her what she deserves. He proceeds to say how he knows he can’t be that man for her right now and that he is going to be selfless and let her go so she can indeed be available to receive the happiness she deserves. While watching the tears flow from her face, I knew I had just witnessed an incredible act of love.
The saying “if you let it go and it comes back, you know it was really yours” has been around for years. What happens though when the intention is not to get it back? What happens if you are letting it go not for your own gain, but for the peace of mind of them? The hardest thing about breaking up or leaving a situation alone is accepting the role you played in said situation. What’s even harder is recognizing that the saying “it’s not you, it’s me” is the absolute truth.
What I loved most in that moment during that session was her hearing him say these words. She needed to know that he indeed recognized her worth and that all she did had not gone unnoticed. I think a lot of people could use this conversation. But just as it is hard to say the words, it’s just as hard to hear them. The truth is though one needs to hear it. Many times, people think something is wrong with them and that is why the person wouldn’t be with them. A person needs the reassurance that they are a good person and that the only thing they necessarily did wrong was fall for someone who couldn’t give them what they needed at the time.
It takes a special kind of person to admit that they can’t be what someone deserves and therefore will walk away instead of selfishly sticking around. While some would point out that she could have walked away first, just know she had. She had done that before. But in his less selfless moments, he wiggled his way back in her life because he enjoyed the benefits of being connected to her. He even admitted she enabled him. How many of us do this? We know that the person has a soft spot for us. Yet we also know that we can’t or won’t be the person they deserve to have. We become comfortable in reaping the benefits of such an amazing person because they love in such an incredible way. So we hold on to them, using their affinity to love hard to our benefit. We do love them, but we love their love more. So we stick around, giving them just enough of ourselves. We give them the bare minimum, just enough to keep them holding on, even when they know they need and desire more.
See the misconception is that the person doesn’t love them. This isn’t true. So you ask “how can you know someone is what you want and need in a spouse or significant other but not be with them?” Simple. The same way I’ve chosen my dream house, car and every other material thing I dream of attaining in life but knowing I’m not in a place to sustain it right now. There are houses on the market right now that I get sad when I see them because they are exactly what I want in a home. I know though I’m not in the position to purchase right now. I may be in a few years, or maybe in a few months. But as of right now, I’m not. So I stare at the pictures online until I see it’s been sold. I can hope the house stays on the market until I’m ready, but there’s no guarantee. Yeah, I could go through the process and get a realtor and go to the bank and act as if I’m ready. But I know deep down inside I’m not ready or able to sustain that home. It’s the same with potential spouses or significant others. Yes, he’s amazing but you know you’ve got healing to do and you can’t emotionally be there for him. Yes, she’s everything you’ve wanted but you’re just not in the position to be able to commit to her right now and tend to her needs. The key is, once you realize you can’t give them what they need, you need to be able to walk away. Instead we ride the wave as long as we can, holding on because neither of us are strong enough to leave each other alone.
The question I pose is, can you love someone enough to let them go? Can you willingly see them leave and not pursue them when they do because you know they deserve better than you? It’s a harsh reality and a hard pill to swallow but it’s a lot people’s truth.
Let me encourage someone today. I know they are an amazing person and you really do love them, but let them go!!! You’ve known all along that you couldn’t be what they needed. I know sometimes you break it off and they’re the ones that come back. Tell them no!!! Not to be mean, but because you love them. Because you know that nothing has changed and you still aren’t able to give them any more than the last time. Stop letting your nostalgic lonely moments get the best of you. Don’t let it pump you up to reach back out, knowing that it won’t be long before the dust settles and you’re right back to reminding the both of you that you aren’t ready and willing. It’s unfair. If you can’t love them like they deserve, love them enough to let someone else love them. Allow someone else who is willing to give them what they need to come in. No, it is not easy to watch. If you were willing to do this then you obviously love them. Watching someone you love be with someone else is like a dagger to the heart. But that same dagger is the one you put through their heart every time you make them believe things are changing when you know they aren’t.
I know this is easier said than done. The key is doing it in the early stages of getting to know someone. Unfortunately, it’s not until feelings are involved and lives have been intertwined before we start having the conversation of “this isn’t going to work” or “I just can’t be what you need.” Whether it has been two weeks, two months, or two years, it’s time to be honest about the future or lack thereof.
I know it may be hard, but I promise it is best for everyone to leave the situation alone. If you love them, love them enough to walk away. Love them enough to not hold a part of their heart hostage, keeping them bound to your half effort of love. For once, do the greatest act of love for them and let them go. While it may be hard, the joy is knowing they are free to now get what you couldn’t give them. Who knows, if you’re lucky, it may come back to you😉