Tag: male healing

The Truth About Moving On

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courtesy of singleblackmale.org

 

Trying to move on from someone is one of the hardest things to do. Even when you know it is best, it doesn’t make the task any easier. Unfortunately, society has given us all these unrealistic expectations and depictions about what that looks like. While it may look and feel different for everyone, here are some things to consider when trying to move on.

You’ll Think About and Miss Them

You must accept it, you’ll think about this person. We too often feel guilty or stupid when they fall on our mind. The truth is, this person was someone you once thought of all the time. When things would happen, you would call them. You shared moments together and ultimately shared life together. That doesn’t disappear overnight. Depending on how long you were connected, it may be harder and take longer to release them. It’s ok for you to miss them even if they hurt you. The truth is you had good times together and those don’t get erased because you didn’t work out. Things will come up that remind you of them. Watching your favorite sports team or passing by that restaurant you always went to or watching the movie you first saw together. You’ll walk pass someone wearing her perfume, or you’ll see someone wearing a similar shirt you bought him. You’re going to think of them!!! The key is not giving in every time you miss them. You don’t have to call or text them every time they cross your mind. You must find balance between accepting you miss them but not using a reason to stay connected. You must have boundaries.

Moving on May Be Temporary

Let me make this clear. This is not an excuse to hold on to an unhealthy expectation of getting back into a toxic relationship. This is for people whose circumstances truly warrant a possibility of a future together. Maybe the timing was off, or one of you weren’t ready for a relationship or maybe the terms of which you got together caused issues. Either way, sometimes moving on doesn’t mean letting them go forever. Sometimes people struggle with letting go because they think it means they will never talk to or see that person ever again. You two may get your circumstances together and potentially make it work one day. You may even be great friends down the line. The key is moving on in the moment. Who knows what the future may bring. As of right now though, moving on is what you know is best, so you focus on that.

It Can Hurt Even If You Weren’t Together

When we think of moving on we normally think of breakups from committed relationships. People sometimes feel embarrassed or unworthy to feel pain when disconnecting from a non-committed relationship. Yes, during your healing process you should evaluate why you allowed yourself to become that entangled emotionally to someone who you weren’t committed to, but it hurts nonetheless. When you spend time with someone, create memories and share intimate moments with them, it hurts to disconnect, whether you were together or not. Truth is sometimes it hurts worse because you probably convinced yourself you would get the commitment and you didn’t.

Moving on Takes Time

I know this seems obvious to some, but with the microwave generation mentality, this concept seems foreign to most. We too often try to rush the process of moving on from someone. We tell people, “you still thinking about her? Just find someone else,” or “he’s not thinking about you so why should you still be moping around.” You cannot rush getting over someone. Yes, there are healthy and unhealthy timelines, but not necessarily right or wrong. Plus, you need to make sure you have truly moved on before dragging someone else into your web of hurt. If you know you are not fully over that person, there is no need to be entertaining or pursuing other people. Fully close the door before opening another.

Being Busy Won’t Make the Pain Go Away

I know there are all these creative suggestions in magazines and blogs on how to move on. They tell you to pick up a hobby or focus on your goals and ambitions. The truth is, no matter how much jogging, writing, working, or volunteering you do, it will not trump the biggest healer which is time. We must be careful not to confuse being busy with healing and moving on. No matter how busy you get, there will come a time in which you have to sit down with yourself. In that moment everything your busy schedule kept you from thinking about will surface. Accept the fact moving on will not happen overnight. Plus, doing things you love should not be about forgetting them, it should be about remembering you.

No, I don’t have any special tips or great ideas on how to get over someone. I just want you to know that some of what you are feeling is expected. It’s easy to look around and feel like you’re doing or feeling something wrong. Truth is many people feel how you do but no one wants to admit it. Plus, healing is different for us all. Your healing and moving on doesn’t have to look like the next person. It may not be easy, and you may want a magic answer to make it all better. Just take your time, reflect, and focus on you. It’s not a fancy answer but the results indeed are magical.

The Broken Man

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Courtesy of malecodependence.com

I’ve been wanting to talk about this topic for some time now. This subject became dear to me roughly about a year ago. During that time I was becoming more and more aware of the brokenness of numerous men I knew. It was at this time that I realized how broken some men really are.

I know we don’t talk about it much in society but let me just say this plainly, men hurt too. We don’t like to attribute feelings to the male species, but we must stop denying their human nature. We think if we turn our heads to male emotion it will somehow disappear. What happens though when that pent up emotion begins to manifest into maladaptive behaviors? When men start hurting every woman who crosses their path even when they don’t want to. When commitment becomes a paralyzing phobia. When bed hopping becomes a remedy to pain. Then we are ready to call men dogs. We are ready to write books, articles and dissertations about how men “aint sh*t” and how they need to get it together. We give them terms like “f^*# boys” and defame their characters. But what we fail to realize is those behaviors stem from emotions we stifled. We create monsters and then get frustrated for them acting as such.

What we fail to do is allow men to hurt and furthermore to heal. We tell men that when their heart is broken they should just get over it. We assume they don’t feel it. We encourage them to go hang out with the boys and find a pair of legs to get between. Through ignoring their pain we create men with high body counts and low emotional tolerance. We teach them that a good sexual performance can cover their emotional scars. So with every stroke they bury themselves further under their pain.

I’m here to encourage my kings and say IT’S OK TO HURT!!! Do NOT let people make you think you are less of a man because you need time to heal. You are not weak for feeling pain. You can admit you are sad about the break up. You can be honest and say she hurt you. You can be honest and say you are disappointed things didn’t work out. You can admit you wish your mother was more loving. You can say you wish your dad spent more time with you. IT’S OK!!!

Ladies let me come down your street for a moment. We cannot keep assuming men are fine. We cannot keep perpetuating the exact behavior that ends up hurting us too. If that man says he’s not ready for a relationship, leave him alone. Don’t make him feel bad for being honest about what he knows he can’t handle right now. Let me take it a step further. Stop playing games with men because you think they don’t care. When you play with a man you not only continue to scar him, but you make it harder for every woman who will come after you. Because he won’t be allowed to deal with his feelings, he will continue to bleed all over every woman because his wounds never get time to heal. I can hear some of y’all now “don’t make excuses for them.” Trust me I’m not. I’m all for people taking responsibility. Believe me, I’m coming for them too. “Well I’m a good woman and the ‘hurt men’ don’t appreciate it.” We have to stop acting like men aren’t out here going through it with women too. NEWSFLASH: “NO GOOD” WOMEN EXIST!!! Just like women start closing themselves off to men because they fear they’ll be hurt again, is the same way men start to close themselves off. Now just imagine not being allowed to feel or heal. Wouldn’t you be afraid to open up too? Knowing if you get hurt you won’t be granted the permission to express it and deal with it without having to defend your masculinity and manhood.

Now fella’s let me be all the way clear, I am by no means giving you all a free pass to be screwing people over. I just want to speak on something y’all aren’t readily allowed to express. I must say though, at some point, you all must be willing to step up and get the healing you need. You all have to stop allowing society to make you out to be these heartless creatures. You have to open your mouths and tell people that you hurt too. Even that homeboy who will try to make you seem less of a man, even though he has the same struggles but won’t admit it. How long will you keep hopping from person to person before you accept that the healing you long for comes only through acceptance of your own feelings? You deserve to get healing but it comes only by taking responsibility to do so. Stop letting society bully you into putting your masculinity into lack of commitment and sexual performance. Stop letting society demean your humanity by reducing your masculinity every time you admit your feelings got hurt. You are human and you need emotional healing just like women. You may heal differently but you need to heal nonetheless. You can only stay broken for so long before you fall completely apart. Make sure to prioritize your healing.

All I want is for men to be allowed to be human. I’m tired of men being painted out and expected to be emotional robots. It causes deep wounds that wind up hurting everyone that comes in their paths. We must start to normalize having feelings. Having feelings or hurt feelings is not the issue, lack of emotional regulation is. So, fellas just know I understand. I know it’s not easy dealing with feelings that you aren’t supposed to acknowledge you have. But no more brokenness. No more hiding behind physicality. It’s ok to heal and the time to do so, is now.