Tag: marriage

It Doesn’t Have to Work

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Well, I would start off by apologizing for the wait, but I feel like a broken record. So instead, I’m just going to ask “did y’all miss me?” Well I missed giving you all content. I honestly wanted to write something for a while. I just didn’t feel inspired enough by any one topic. Well, today I realized it was time to end the drought, but I still didn’t know what I wanted to say. So, I asked myself, what message did I want to get out to the people? Then it spilled off my lips “it doesn’t have to work.” Ah, the phrase I recently discovered that has changed my dating life forever.

In my recent exploration of myself and the mess that had become my love life, I realized and stumbled upon a powerful phrase. A phrase that would help me and many other people be set free from the bondage of unhealthy, unfulfilling, and unfair expectations of relationships. That phrase was “it doesn’t have to work.” By now, you’re asking what is so powerful about this phrase. You want to know how five little words can do so much. I’m glad you asked.

For years, many of us have entered into relationships with the heavy burden of making it work. I have even written blog posts about how we give up so quickly in relationships. While I stand by the fact that we have to be willing to put in the work, I realized there can sometimes be an unspoken rule that binds us. The idea that no matter what, this has to work. Still not following?

Okay, say you meet someone. They’re great, they’re cute, they’re what you’re looking for. So after a few dates and conversations, you start thinking how you have to have them and this has to work. Or maybe you kept it cool initially, but now you’re in the relationship, and you feel like you have to put up with anything because “it has to work.”

We put so much pressure on ourselves when we fall for this lie, because that’s what it is, a lie. There is no where that it states anything has to work in dating and relationships. I’m about to say something that may mess you up, but, IT IS OKAY IF IT DOES NOT WORK OUT. It’s okay if the relationship doesn’t make it. You may be gasping for air but let me explain.

We always like to say quotes like “it’s better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.” Yet we forget about the “loved and lost” part. Sometimes we lose in love. That’s a part of the gamble. Everything in love is a risk. And sometimes, you try with people, and it doesn’t turn out like we hoped. Whether it ended on good or bad terms, it ended. That’s okay, because other times, we go for it, and we completely win in love. The trick is, you never know which one it will be. Yet we try to convince ourselves that we have to win in love because we’ve become afraid of losing.

It’s like going to a casino and telling yourself you have to win that night. While that sounds optimistic, what happens when you start realizing you’re losing to the point of no return? Do you step away from the table or the slot machine, or do you keep playing in hopes you can turn it around? While some people end up lucky and get back everything they lost and then some, many end up losing more than they originally planned to invest.

We do the same in love. We can be tapped out, but because we refuse to admit the loss, we will keep gambling with nothing left, in hopes to turn it around. If you get nothing else from me, know that it doesn’t have to work. Be okay with taking losses.  Because truth is, with this mindset, they won’t feel like losses. If you can learn to be okay with that concept early on, the better chances you have of not getting into relationships bound to fail later. How? Because you’ll be more alert, less pressed, and ultimately more relaxed, which will lead to clarity, which leads to honesty with self.

When you realize it doesn’t have to work, you can relax and be your authentic self from the beginning. You don’t feel the need to perform because you aren’t pressed to make them want you. You aren’t trying to do everything right so they will choose you. You won’t be so willing to look over the fact she hates kids or that he doesn’t believe in your goals. You will be more comfortable in walking away sooner. You will be ok when you recognize it’s just not working.

Now let me make this clear. This is not a scapegoat for those of you commitment phobes out there. Don’t go around using this as an excuse to not commit to anyone. “Yeah Tish said this doesn’t have to work so I won’t be committing to you.” No….. I’m simply giving you freedom from pressuring yourself to make things progress beyond stagnation, not run from progress altogether.

This also is not an excuse for people to just up and hop out of relationships or cut off the person who you were trying to ghost. Relationships are work. PERIOD. There is no perfect relationship. This is not permission to be lazy, or give up. When the relationship is worth it, you fight for it. You are going to have to put in work either way. Again, this is about keeping you from forcing something, not jumping ship or half performing.

I truly hope this helps. It has helped me in so many ways and I’m still getting used to it. It’s freeing and it helps to keep emotions down. It makes dating fun and enjoyable. No longer do you have to weigh yourself down with the false ideology that something has to work. The only time that applies is after you say “til death do us part.” But if you adapt this philosophy now, you won’t feel pressured to say those vows to just anyone. It is okay if things don’t work out. So relax, have fun, and take a gamble but keep your limits in mind. Above all else, enjoy it😉

The Truth About Moving On

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Trying to move on from someone is one of the hardest things to do. Even when you know it is best, it doesn’t make the task any easier. Unfortunately, society has given us all these unrealistic expectations and depictions about what that looks like. While it may look and feel different for everyone, here are some things to consider when trying to move on.

You’ll Think About and Miss Them

You must accept it, you’ll think about this person. We too often feel guilty or stupid when they fall on our mind. The truth is, this person was someone you once thought of all the time. When things would happen, you would call them. You shared moments together and ultimately shared life together. That doesn’t disappear overnight. Depending on how long you were connected, it may be harder and take longer to release them. It’s ok for you to miss them even if they hurt you. The truth is you had good times together and those don’t get erased because you didn’t work out. Things will come up that remind you of them. Watching your favorite sports team or passing by that restaurant you always went to or watching the movie you first saw together. You’ll walk pass someone wearing her perfume, or you’ll see someone wearing a similar shirt you bought him. You’re going to think of them!!! The key is not giving in every time you miss them. You don’t have to call or text them every time they cross your mind. You must find balance between accepting you miss them but not using a reason to stay connected. You must have boundaries.

Moving on May Be Temporary

Let me make this clear. This is not an excuse to hold on to an unhealthy expectation of getting back into a toxic relationship. This is for people whose circumstances truly warrant a possibility of a future together. Maybe the timing was off, or one of you weren’t ready for a relationship or maybe the terms of which you got together caused issues. Either way, sometimes moving on doesn’t mean letting them go forever. Sometimes people struggle with letting go because they think it means they will never talk to or see that person ever again. You two may get your circumstances together and potentially make it work one day. You may even be great friends down the line. The key is moving on in the moment. Who knows what the future may bring. As of right now though, moving on is what you know is best, so you focus on that.

It Can Hurt Even If You Weren’t Together

When we think of moving on we normally think of breakups from committed relationships. People sometimes feel embarrassed or unworthy to feel pain when disconnecting from a non-committed relationship. Yes, during your healing process you should evaluate why you allowed yourself to become that entangled emotionally to someone who you weren’t committed to, but it hurts nonetheless. When you spend time with someone, create memories and share intimate moments with them, it hurts to disconnect, whether you were together or not. Truth is sometimes it hurts worse because you probably convinced yourself you would get the commitment and you didn’t.

Moving on Takes Time

I know this seems obvious to some, but with the microwave generation mentality, this concept seems foreign to most. We too often try to rush the process of moving on from someone. We tell people, “you still thinking about her? Just find someone else,” or “he’s not thinking about you so why should you still be moping around.” You cannot rush getting over someone. Yes, there are healthy and unhealthy timelines, but not necessarily right or wrong. Plus, you need to make sure you have truly moved on before dragging someone else into your web of hurt. If you know you are not fully over that person, there is no need to be entertaining or pursuing other people. Fully close the door before opening another.

Being Busy Won’t Make the Pain Go Away

I know there are all these creative suggestions in magazines and blogs on how to move on. They tell you to pick up a hobby or focus on your goals and ambitions. The truth is, no matter how much jogging, writing, working, or volunteering you do, it will not trump the biggest healer which is time. We must be careful not to confuse being busy with healing and moving on. No matter how busy you get, there will come a time in which you have to sit down with yourself. In that moment everything your busy schedule kept you from thinking about will surface. Accept the fact moving on will not happen overnight. Plus, doing things you love should not be about forgetting them, it should be about remembering you.

No, I don’t have any special tips or great ideas on how to get over someone. I just want you to know that some of what you are feeling is expected. It’s easy to look around and feel like you’re doing or feeling something wrong. Truth is many people feel how you do but no one wants to admit it. Plus, healing is different for us all. Your healing and moving on doesn’t have to look like the next person. It may not be easy, and you may want a magic answer to make it all better. Just take your time, reflect, and focus on you. It’s not a fancy answer but the results indeed are magical.

Why Men REALLY Won’t Commit; The Role Women Play

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Over the holiday break while I was browsing through my timeline, I came across a Derrick Jaxn video entitled “Why He Won’t Commit but Won’t Leave You Alone.” I instantly clicked on the video because I was intrigued as to what he would say is the cause. In a nutshell, he said something I have been saying for years but many women, myself included, tend to keep messing up. Some women feel this is an issue to blame on men. While I always believe everyone plays a part, I think women have to admit the part played in the lack of commitment from some men.

My favorite part of the video was him stating that a man is not a bad man because he doesn’t commit but continues to hang around. I’m sure some women feel as though this is unfair and that no one should lead someone on. Technically, they aren’t leading anyone on. They have shown you they aren’t trying to commit to you, but you insist on trying to prove to them you will be great anyway. But the truth is, it is easy for us to allow people to do nice things for us and be there for us even though we know we don’t share the same sentiment. Ladies how many times have you allowed men to wine and dine you, knowing you have no interest in them? Or how many times have you let him be your shoulder to cry on and go to person knowing he really cares about you but he’s deep in the friendzone? Yet you don’t see anything wrong with it. Why? Because it’s nice getting the best parts of someone without the hassle and frustration of unwarranted emotions that come from being romantically involved. If I can get your friendship, laughs, support and fun time without having to cater and commit to you, why not do so?

I know it seems I have been on a kick lately of trying to come for the ladies. That is not the case at all. This post is more endearing then it may sound. We’ve all been there. Hurt, feeling broken and frustrated. Mad yet again because another man wasted your time. Mad because another guy led you on. Mad because he didn’t commit to you. You felt you did everything you were supposed to and it wasn’t enough. Well, I hate to be the bearer of bad news but the men may not be all to blame.

Unfortunately, too many women are putting in volunteer work expecting to get paid. They are putting in work for a company that hasn’t even hired them yet. You interviewed for the position and just started showing up for work. Then you get mad when pay day rolls around and you don’t have a check. You can get mad at the company all you want but they are not obligated to pay you for what you’ve done. Just because you decide to support a man, be a great friend to him, compliment him and potentially even sleep with him does not mean he is obligated to do the same. It also does not obligate him to give you the position. You think if you work hard enough he’ll see what a great job you do and be ready to wife you. In actuality, it just shows him he doesn’t have to give you a title to get your best work.

One thing I admire about men is they will not enter into something they do not see is beneficial for them. They exert minimal effort until they see the benefit of it. A lesson women could use. Therefore, a man will not give you the position you want unless you have shown that there is something he’ll gain by giving it to you. Most men would love to give the position to women. They aren’t trying to be facetious when not committing, they just haven’t seen the benefit of the headache that will come with committing to you. They haven’t seen where the benefit will outweigh the frustration. Seems harsh? Maybe, but true nonetheless. Relationships are work and come with aggravating times. A man knows his emotions will be impacted and his nerves will be worked. Therefore, he must know that along with that, he’ll get an amazing woman whose positives make the frustration worth it. Again, if a woman is giving all the positives without having a commitment, there will be nothing to motivate him to take on the frustrations of a commitment.

I know it seems backwards to women because it is not how we think. You should be willing to understand how the man sees it if you are going to get out of the lack of commitment rut you are in. Nothing hurts worse than having to admit you are the reason men won’t commit to you. It also feels better to place the blame elsewhere. If anything, use this as a chance to empower yourself. When you know better you do better. Now you know to only give so much of yourself up front. You only have to show your potential through minimal effort. You do not have to give everything you have to a man for him to want to commit. Stop letting the fear of loneliness trick you into volunteering your best work for a paid position. Showing up early and staying late, bringing the coffee and doing all the work will not get you the position any faster. If anything, it will delay your hiring process. It will not make you stand out among the other applicants who want the position either. If anything, he’ll end up choosing the one who did the least amount of work, because he was intrigued to see what he could get once he chose her. You have the power to get the commitment you desire. The key is to do just enough to show what you are capable of. Not do everything.

I hope this helps. I just want everyone to get the love and commitment they desire. Men are not bad people because they allow you to do things for them and not commit to you. They are simply human. It is time for women to scale back and allow themselves to be offered the position they desire without begging for it through acts of desperation. Ladies you don’t have to fear he won’t choose you. You just have to be confident in what you can do and will be in a relationship. I look forward to seeing you get what you want.

Do Women Expect Men to Deal with Nagging?

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We’ve seen them a million times. The hilarious memes and videos about a woman getting on her man’s nerves, arguing and nagging and then expecting him to be ok with it. They joke about accusing him of things he didn’t do and then offering insincere apologies. We see these things and we laugh, myself included, but the truth is, it’s a sad reality for some men and for them it is not a laughing matter.

Ladies, the truth is men are getting tired of our stuff. Now I know I have some women looking at their screen crazy like “is she serious?” Yes. Very serious. I know we have all had those men in our lives who was no good, they didn’t contribute to the relationship and drug us through the mud. If you follow my blog, you would know I am not talking about that man. We have to stop acting as though that’s the only man that exists. We also need to stop acting as if men are the only ones who mess up in relationships. Every break up is not caused by a man. My point is, men are getting tired of constantly dealing with bad attitudes, nagging and complaining and then expected to just be ok with it.

How many times have women cussed out their man, fussed for no reason or jumped to a conclusion and then half behind apologized for it. Then had the audacity to think he was supposed to just accept it and act as if nothing ever happened. We joke about it, but the truth is men get tired of that. Then when he does something like forget to take the trash out, didn’t notice you got your eyebrows done, or took too long to text you back, now he’s getting the cold shoulder for two weeks. How Sway? So, women can act up when they feel like it and men are supposed to just ignore it? But men make a mistake and they have to work overtime to get into a woman’s good graces?

Let me put this out there before people get defensive, I know this is not every woman. Some women don’t trip over small things and expect their man to just fall back in line. Some women do what they must to keep from nagging, complaining, and jumping to conclusions. Some women understand the importance of being a man’s peace. Just keep in mind though, everyone is human and even the coolest and most laid-back chick can find herself tripping and wanting him to just forget about it.

What makes it worse is that women then get mad at men for being mad at them. Who cares about the fact she ruined his day with her nagging and complaints, he doesn’t have the right to be mad at her. Let’s face it, this behavior gets old to men and they indeed get angry and frustrated. There are times they want to ignore you too, and they might!!! This doesn’t mean you turn up the petty and ignore him harder. No, this means you work to rectify the situation as you would want him to do for you.

See this sounds foreign because society and social media has made women believe that a good woman doesn’t have to put in any work. That a good man should always be the one doing the work because he should just be thankful to be with her. So now when it is time for a woman to put in work for something she messed up, she tells herself, “I don’t have to do this, I shouldn’t have to prove myself to get back on his good side. If he loved me he would understand that’s just how I am.” Meanwhile he has to buy candy, flowers and dinner and call three times a day when he messes up.

Essential point, it just isn’t fair. Women have to put in work too. Women mess up too. Women have to get back in good graces too!!! Women have to stop expecting men to just take their mess. “Well men expect women to just take their mess.” No, childish men who have no desire to grow expect women to take their mess, kind of like the women who expect men to simply take their stuff. What some women don’t understand is real, grown men are not about to play the foolish games with a woman. He’s not about to deal with the accusations, the unnecessary arguing, or all the complaints. A real man doesn’t think any of that is cute. Yes, I understand some men have their faults, but at what point do women stop pointing the finger and take responsibility?

Ladies I hope you understand it is all love. I wrote this because I want the best for you. I want women to understand the damage they cause to a relationship when expecting a man to always put up with foolishness. Sometimes women do things that upset and frustrate men. Women should be willing to put in the same amount of work to get back in their good graces that they would expect if the shoe was on the other foot. I’m just trying to make sure women don’t get caught up in the hype of social media that they start to believe this behavior is acceptable or fair. If as a woman you mess up, it’s ok to apologize and it’s ok to show you are sorry. Putting in work is for everybody, not just men.

The Broken Man

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Courtesy of malecodependence.com

I’ve been wanting to talk about this topic for some time now. This subject became dear to me roughly about a year ago. During that time I was becoming more and more aware of the brokenness of numerous men I knew. It was at this time that I realized how broken some men really are.

I know we don’t talk about it much in society but let me just say this plainly, men hurt too. We don’t like to attribute feelings to the male species, but we must stop denying their human nature. We think if we turn our heads to male emotion it will somehow disappear. What happens though when that pent up emotion begins to manifest into maladaptive behaviors? When men start hurting every woman who crosses their path even when they don’t want to. When commitment becomes a paralyzing phobia. When bed hopping becomes a remedy to pain. Then we are ready to call men dogs. We are ready to write books, articles and dissertations about how men “aint sh*t” and how they need to get it together. We give them terms like “f^*# boys” and defame their characters. But what we fail to realize is those behaviors stem from emotions we stifled. We create monsters and then get frustrated for them acting as such.

What we fail to do is allow men to hurt and furthermore to heal. We tell men that when their heart is broken they should just get over it. We assume they don’t feel it. We encourage them to go hang out with the boys and find a pair of legs to get between. Through ignoring their pain we create men with high body counts and low emotional tolerance. We teach them that a good sexual performance can cover their emotional scars. So with every stroke they bury themselves further under their pain.

I’m here to encourage my kings and say IT’S OK TO HURT!!! Do NOT let people make you think you are less of a man because you need time to heal. You are not weak for feeling pain. You can admit you are sad about the break up. You can be honest and say she hurt you. You can be honest and say you are disappointed things didn’t work out. You can admit you wish your mother was more loving. You can say you wish your dad spent more time with you. IT’S OK!!!

Ladies let me come down your street for a moment. We cannot keep assuming men are fine. We cannot keep perpetuating the exact behavior that ends up hurting us too. If that man says he’s not ready for a relationship, leave him alone. Don’t make him feel bad for being honest about what he knows he can’t handle right now. Let me take it a step further. Stop playing games with men because you think they don’t care. When you play with a man you not only continue to scar him, but you make it harder for every woman who will come after you. Because he won’t be allowed to deal with his feelings, he will continue to bleed all over every woman because his wounds never get time to heal. I can hear some of y’all now “don’t make excuses for them.” Trust me I’m not. I’m all for people taking responsibility. Believe me, I’m coming for them too. “Well I’m a good woman and the ‘hurt men’ don’t appreciate it.” We have to stop acting like men aren’t out here going through it with women too. NEWSFLASH: “NO GOOD” WOMEN EXIST!!! Just like women start closing themselves off to men because they fear they’ll be hurt again, is the same way men start to close themselves off. Now just imagine not being allowed to feel or heal. Wouldn’t you be afraid to open up too? Knowing if you get hurt you won’t be granted the permission to express it and deal with it without having to defend your masculinity and manhood.

Now fella’s let me be all the way clear, I am by no means giving you all a free pass to be screwing people over. I just want to speak on something y’all aren’t readily allowed to express. I must say though, at some point, you all must be willing to step up and get the healing you need. You all have to stop allowing society to make you out to be these heartless creatures. You have to open your mouths and tell people that you hurt too. Even that homeboy who will try to make you seem less of a man, even though he has the same struggles but won’t admit it. How long will you keep hopping from person to person before you accept that the healing you long for comes only through acceptance of your own feelings? You deserve to get healing but it comes only by taking responsibility to do so. Stop letting society bully you into putting your masculinity into lack of commitment and sexual performance. Stop letting society demean your humanity by reducing your masculinity every time you admit your feelings got hurt. You are human and you need emotional healing just like women. You may heal differently but you need to heal nonetheless. You can only stay broken for so long before you fall completely apart. Make sure to prioritize your healing.

All I want is for men to be allowed to be human. I’m tired of men being painted out and expected to be emotional robots. It causes deep wounds that wind up hurting everyone that comes in their paths. We must start to normalize having feelings. Having feelings or hurt feelings is not the issue, lack of emotional regulation is. So, fellas just know I understand. I know it’s not easy dealing with feelings that you aren’t supposed to acknowledge you have. But no more brokenness. No more hiding behind physicality. It’s ok to heal and the time to do so, is now.

4:44 Why Beyonce’ Getting Cheated On Shouldn’t Scare You

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courtesy of mirror.co.uk

Naturally there has been nonstop buzz about the recent Jay-Z album 4:44. While some are ranting and raving over the lyrical genius of one the greatest rappers to ever do it, others are focusing on the love life of Hov and Beyoncé that seem to unravel on the tracks. Particularly, Jay’s infidelities being confirmed. Now I don’t mind people having some discussion over the matter, it’s what is being said that is bothering me the most. I’m seeing countless posts, statuses, and memes with the same message that “if Beyoncé got cheated on then there’s no hope for the rest of us.” This…. this I can’t rock with.

Let me just get to the point. Ladies, Beyoncé getting cheated on shouldn’t scare you because you’re not Beyoncé sis…. Now I know you probably think I’m being sarcastic. I promise I’m not. Let me explain. You are not a world known superstar. You are not one of the wealthiest women in entertainment. You don’t have millions of fans. In other words, you don’t have Beyoncé problems which might have led to the infidelity. Still not following? Ok, Beyoncé is by far the most sought-after celebrity on the planet. She is the only artist who could rival a fan base of MJ. She is celebrities’ favorite celebrity. She has reached a level of fame that few artists reach. Now imagine being the man married to her.

Last year I wrote a post on Beyoncé’s lemonade. Read it here. In it I discussed how hard it must be to be married to the most popular woman on the planet and how that must make Jay feel at times. Say what you want, but it does something to a man to be considered second rate to your spouse. For there to probably be times people bypass you just so they can get to your wife. And I’m sure some men are saying “whatever I’ll be second to Beyoncé any day.” Well you say that now until people start referring to her as “King Bey” and you start to feel emasculated as a man.

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Then to make matters worse, this man is an artist too. He is known to some as the best rapper alive and yet the main thing people focus on is his connection to the Queen herself. It’s one thing for your wife to be more famous than you, it’s another when she’s more famous in the same industry. It’s even worse when your talent becomes overshadowed by her and her success.

With all that said, Jay might have sought validation in the women he cheated with. Jay might have searched for his fame before it was so wrapped up into his wife. He may have been seeking to feel important again. Now this is all psychological speculation. I will never know the whole truth as to why Sean Carter decided to step out on the world’s biggest superstar. I just wonder how much of it was to feel a void that his amazingly talented wife’s fame created.

I can hear y’all now “that’s not a reason to cheat on your wife.” Well let y’all tell it Lemonade was fake, right? Shade aside, you’re absolutely right. NOTHING justifies cheating on a spouse. But I can understand it. “That’s just male pride.” We must stop trying to make men feel bad for their genetic makeup. Men like to feel important. Period. So if you are constantly in a position that makes him feel less than, it may cause issues for him that could push him to seek outside validation. This is why it’s important to pump your man up as much as possible.

Now my heart goes out to Beyoncé Giselle Knowles Carter. This woman simply worked her butt off to obtain the fame many dream of but it could be the very thing that shakes up her marriage. The pain of infidelity is one no amount of money or fame can wash away. Beyoncé doesn’t make people worship the ground she walks on. Yet people doing such things could be alienating her husband and making him feel less than. Is there ever enough validation to make up for the fact your Beyoncé? I’m not sure but with two new healthy babies I hope they have found the solution and I wish their union the best.

So you see, none of us should be worried because none of us are anywhere near being on Beyoncé status. All hope is not lost. But I do hope everyone sees how elevation of a spouse can play a role in marriage. While you may not be superstars, you may find yourself in a position that pushes your man to the background. Be sure to validate him and remind him of how important he is. And fellas I know it’s hard but communicate if you feel like you’re being pushed aside. Give your partner a chance to validate you before you decide you’re just going to go and get it elsewhere. So, ladies, don’t worry. Just sip your lemonade with ease because for once, you should be happy you’re not Beyoncé.

Is a Committed Relationship Before Marriage Necessary?

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Recently I read an article that challenged my thinking more than anything ever has. The article was written by a woman telling her story of how she purposely never entered into a “committed relationship” with her now husband. She explained how when he asked her to be exclusive and to be his “girlfriend,” she told him no. She stated she did not see the benefit of allowing him to take her off the market while he spends another two to three years deciding if he wants to marry her. So she told him they could continue building their friendship and when he was serious about really taking her off the market (proposal) then she would acquiesce. Until then she explained she would continue to see other people and that he was free to do the same. Nine months later, he proposed.

I’ll be honest, I was completely shook when I read it because I never seen a woman turn down a chance at a relationship when she ultimately wanted to get married. It seems every woman wants to be in a committed relationship, right? What this article showed me is that maybe people, particularly women, are focused on the wrong thing. Instead of focusing on getting in a relationship, maybe they should challenge the other person including themselves to step up to get what they really want which is marriage.

Now I am fully aware this is not some formula on how to get a husband. I understand what she did may not work for everyone. If you decide to do so, do so at your own discretion. What this article did for me though was give confirmation on why some women remain eternal girlfriends and never the wife. Yes, I know some people don’t want to get married. Obviously, this article is not for those people. This is for the people who want marriage but sometimes get caught up in what happens before getting there.

I say often that dating and being “boyfriend” and “girlfriend” are relatively new terms. I describe them as things we created to allow us to stall before marriage. Don’t get me wrong, when that time is used properly it is quite beneficial. The truth is most people use this time to make themselves feel secure that the person they are with are not being with anyone else. Although we all know this rarely is the case as we have seen numerous people upset to find their mate entertaining someone else.

Just humor me for a second. What if people when they meet, decided to get to know each other. As they get to know each other, they also build a solid friendship. As they build friendship they realize they may really see a future with each other. They communicate their desires for the future and potentially how that person may fit into their future. They have fun and enjoy each other’s company. They finally decide they no longer want someone else to have a chance with this person. Now they prepare to spend the rest of their life with that person because they know they do not want anyone else. They then both decide to do that together and proceed into engagement. Sounds simple, right? The catch is, they didn’t confine themselves to each other until they were both ready to take the step into marriage.

I know for some people is sounds farfetched or just plain stupid. “Why would I not want to commit to someone I really care about?” “How can you be a good spouse if you were never in a relationship?” If that is the case, why are so many people getting stuck in relationships that never move on to more? Yes commitment is important, but is it getting you what you really want. “People should date with a purpose.” Well it doesn’t get much more purposeful than not entering into a relationship because you want more than a false sense of commitment.

Basically, what I am saying is, sometimes people, particularly women, are so focused on being girlfriends, that they limit themselves to only being that, a girlfriend. This is fine if this is all you want in life. It becomes an issue though when that is as far as you go because that’s where you put all your energy. How many people do you know who have been in numerous “long term relationships?” We think it means they are good at commitment. Maybe it just means they don’t know how to go for what they really want. That’s all I’m trying to encourage people to do. Go for what you really want.

If you were interviewing for a managerial position at a company, would you accept an offer for an entry level position knowing you are highly qualified for the role you want? Yes, I’m aware that some companies require you to move your way up and some people are willing to put in the work to do so. This works out for some people and not for others. Some people are so desperate to be hired by somebody that they offer themselves up for an entry-level position just to get in the company. They hope to prove they have what it takes to get the position they really want. So they slave themselves, putting in managerial work at the entry level position. Unfortunately, so many people never move up in the company. Many end up fired, with nothing to show for the time and effort spent. What if at the time of the interview you made it clear that you were only going to accept an offer for the position you want. Letting them know when they are ready to make an offer, you’ll be willing to accept. Until then, you’ll be considering other offers.

Think about it, how much more motivated would someone feel to get their stuff together if they knew at any given time someone else could come in and snatch you up. Some people won’t care while others may pretend they don’t. You are focused on the one who does. The one who will do what they have to do because they know what they want.

Let me be clear, I am not saying people should never get into an exclusive romantic relationship ever again. What I am saying is, if that is something you feel brings you comfort, just be careful to not get too comfortable while there, especially if you know you want more. This is simply another perspective. It takes a special kind of person to hold this type of philosophy, but I’m sure for them it works. I just simply want to challenge your thinking, open your mind but most of all get you what you want and desire.