Stop Trying to Force Your Heart Onto Others…

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A friend of mine once was in a situation in which they really cared for someone who didn’t seem to share the same sentiments. There seemed to be some attraction and chemistry but the other person didn’t want what my friend wanted. My friend didn’t take this well and found themselves in a spiral of emotions as everything they did became engulfed in trying to prove themselves to this person in hopes to one day change their mind. This obviously left my friend hurt, trying to figure out what went wrong. Once while I was discussing the situation with another friend, I stated “we just have to learn to stop trying to force our hearts on to people.”

Ever meet an amazing person. You think they have amazing potential and you desire to have more with them. So you begin to devise a plan in your mind to make them yours. Then something throws a wrench into your plans. They aren’t in agreement with what you want. You want them but they don’t want you. As hurtful as it sounds, it happens. But how many of us continue to try to force a situation on that person even after they have expressed they aren’t interested in what you have to offer.

If you’re anything like me, this is a sensitive subject. The harsh reality is we often times try to force our hearts on to someone when they have clearly shown us, if not said, they do not want it. I get it, we’re amazing and people should want to be with us. While this is true, the truth also remains that not everyone will want to be with you and that’s ok. We have to stop trying to force people to want us the way we want them.

What makes it worse is we then keep the person bound to us by trying to guilt them because they didn’t want us. So they sometimes stick around because you made them feel so guilty about something they have every right to do which is not want you. We become so relentless. You constantly keep trying to make them see how great you would be and practically get into audition mode every time they come around.

The worse part of it all is that we then become heartbroken when we finally wake up and accept the fact this person was serious when they said they didn’t want to be with you. Now you’re mad at them. We can’t make people pay for the damage to our heart we inflicted through lack of acceptance. They told you countless times through words and actions they had no intentions of being anything more with you. You insisted on trying to prove them wrong about their own feelings. “Well I thought they liked me because they didn’t try to disconnect from me.” There’s a difference between someone liking you, having intentions to move forward with you and a person who simply enjoys your convenience.

Truth is, after a while they saw you weren’t going to stop trying to prove yourself so they stopped trying to stop you. So now they just enjoy the convenience of having someone bend over backwards for them without having to give anything in return. It doesn’t make then heartless or a bad person. It simply makes them human.

Just because someone likes you doesn’t mean they want to be with you and have a future with you. Liking someone does not guarantee a future. Haven’t you ever liked someone but had no intention of moving forward with them? Everyone you like is not someone to plan a future with. It just sucks when the person on the non-receiving end is you.

Now let me be clear, I am not talking about the person that made you believe they were really interested and then all of a sudden hits you left field and says they don’t want anything. That is different because you were under the impression y’all were working towards the same thing. But the moment that person tells you and shows you they are not trying to be anything more with you, ACCEPT IT!!!

“How will I know if they are showing me they don’t want more?” It’s in their lack of time and investment. They are careful to never say anything romantically charged towards you. They constantly drop hints and reminders that y’all are “just friends.” When you become overly flirtatious they withdraw and become distant. These are just a few but there are numerous ways someone can show you they aren’t interested in more. Truth is you know exactly what they are but you are looking for validation that you still aren’t going to accept once confirmed.

Let me charge y’all with this, stop forcing your heart on people. It is an easy way to get hurt and be highly disappointed. Listen to that person. If they tell you you’re a great person but they just aren’t ready or interested, believe them. Stop trying to change their mind. Stop putting in work for someone who already told you they aren’t trying to give you the position. While it isn’t an easy pill to swallow, it is better than wasted energy and emotion. Even though you don’t understand it, respect it. Besides, your heart is too precious to be given away 😊

Hidden Hearts; Why you should tell them how you really feel

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A few days ago I posted my weekly #TishToken stating “the unspoken words of the heart are often held hostage in the mind.” Normally my tokens don’t inspire my blogs but this one touched me in a soft spot. How many of us have held our hearts captive by keeping its true desires locked away in our thoughts? How many times have we thought or talked ourselves out of what we want?

Earlier this week I was working with a couple in session. The woman stated she was afraid to dream of them being together forever in case it didn’t happen. I proceeded to tell her how funny it is that we are willing to take risks on everything else in life, but we resist to be bold with matters of the heart. I stressed to her that just like any other major success, love requires taking a risk. I explained that we can’t want the reward of love without taking the risk of believing it can happen. The irony is you may be more successful in gaining your hearts desires from being bold than you are any other endeavor. Yet we shy away in timid fashion when it comes to professing our love. We can be willing to leave jobs, start businesses, go back to school, move out of state, ask for a raise or anything else. Yet the thought of telling someone you love them, telling someone how you REALLY feel, makes you want to throw up. Why?!

I’m finishing up 13 Reasons Why and I can’t help but be engulfed in the sad love story of Hannah and Clay. What hurts me the most was all the unspoken truths that both of them needed to hear. Fear paralyzed them, keeping them both from setting each other free. And while all tragic love stories don’t end in a suicide, how many love stories have we allowed to die prematurely because we were too afraid to say how we felt? Are we holding back words that someone else may need to hear? Not to motivate them to live, but to motivate them to love.

Why do we allow ourselves to let love slip through our grasps? Why do we open our hearts to love but then close our lips to keep from expressing it? We come up with every reason why we shouldn’t say anything, never thinking of how great things could be if we did. We get so caught up in how people may react, we forget how important it is for us to speak our truth. I told a client recently that the reward is not in the response, it’s in the release. Too often we dictate whether we should say something based on the response of the person to whom we are delivering the message. But we can’t control their response. Instead we should get joy out of simply releasing something that our heart has been longing to say, regardless of what the response is. The problem is we never want to be the one to say it first. We are always too afraid to be the one to make the first move out of fear of rejection. Fear of rejection is nothing more than putting the reward in the response. When are we going to let go of foolish games of fear, and allow ourselves to express our true feelings, regardless of reaction?

Love is not meant to be hoarded, it’s meant to be given and expressed. Instead we hold on to it, letting our hearts and minds carry the weight it was meant to relinquish. Then you find yourself unable to deal with it anymore. That’s when you see people popping up at weddings or engagement parties (Dwayne and Whitley), trying to express their love. You get mad when they move on but the truth is you had your chance. You chose not to take it. Or you remain in silence for the rest of your life. You move on and find someone else, you may even be happy. But deep down inside there’s a part of you that will never let go of the what if that you created out of fear.

So I want to encourage someone today, speak your heart’s truth. Tell them how you feel. I’m not promising a happily ever after, but you owe yourself the peace of mind of getting it off your chest. Set yourself, and your heart free today. For all you know they may need to hear what you have to say in order to free them too. Stop letting fear and overthinking keep you bound. JUST SAY IT!!!!!