Tag: why he won’t commit

Post Traumatic Love Syndrome

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Image courtesy of https://www.fibrofix.com/blogs/news/childhood-trauma-and-stress-and-fibromyalgia-is-there-a-connection

 

Hey everyone!!! Can we just take a moment to celebrate that I’m being somewhat consistent with blogging again? Lol. Anywho, this topic has been on my heart for some time. Probably for almost a year. I think we all can agree that love can be a beautiful thing. The idea of having someone to love you unconditionally seems like a dream for most. The sad truth remains that the idea of love is not exciting for everyone. I wrote on this once, check it out HERE.

While some are excitedly dating and enjoying the anticipation of love, others are scared to death due to their previous experiences with the concept. There are people are petrified at the thought of trying to love again. For some people, getting to know someone almost feels traumatic. It triggers off feelings of being hurt and unsafe. This sounds eerily similar to a well-known yet misunderstood mental health diagnosis called Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

When someone has Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), they have a combination of symptoms that were triggered by a traumatic experience. These experiences can be but are not limited to war, car accidents, natural disasters, sexual assault, the sudden death of a loved one, etc. After working with many clients, talking with friends and looking at my own love life, I am realizing there may be an event we have left off the list. That event is heartbreak. If you’ve ever been heartbroken, I mean hurt to your soul heartbroken, then you know how traumatic that feels. It is something you hate to even remember. I describe it to clients as the kind of pain that you feel in your mind, body, spirit, and soul simultaneously.  It’s something that once you experience it, you never want to experience it again.

With that said, we can see how this starts to look similar to PTSD. There’s a traumatic event that then triggers off a series of symptoms. The symptoms often associated with PTSD are re-experiencing of the trauma, nightmares, avoiding thoughts or feelings about the trauma, hypervigilance, anger outbursts, etc. When I really started looking at the symptomology, I came to the startling realization that heartbreak was traumatizing people. Not in some overdramatic way, but truly to the point their lives are being disrupted. Their trust for love is buried under the fear from the trauma of heartbreak.

Think about it. We know people who are easily triggered by the thought of heartbreak. Let me make a point to highlight that I said heartbreak, not love. It is not love that scares people, it is heartbreak. The fear is in the failure of love, not the presence of it. The truth is, they want love, but they fear they will not be able to keep it.

Many people think that people fear they will never get someone. I disagree. I think many people know they have the capability to get someone. I think most people fear they will get love and mess it up. Which in turn creates heartbreak, which creates trauma. One of the symptoms of PTSD is distorted feelings of blame and guilt. How many people have blamed themselves for the heartbreak they endured? Since they carry that blame, they also carry the fear that they will bring the heartbreak on themselves again.

Another symptom of PTSD is avoiding thoughts or feelings about the trauma. How many people have we seen avoid thinking about their time of heartache like it was the plague? They don’t do it in an “I have healed and closed that chapter,” kind of way. They do it in an “I cannot mentally handle assessing those feelings,” kind of way. Feeling tense and on edge is another symptom. We see people who have been heartbroken like this all the time. They can barely enjoy a conversation with someone because they are so on edge. You constantly have to tell them, “just relax and enjoy getting to know them.” But that’s easier said than done for them. They become hypervigilant; constantly looking for a reason to be on the defense and jump ship for safety and security.

Why am I writing about this? Because I want us to be more patient with these people. We often get frustrated with people because they seem so guarded. They self-sabotage and they get in their own way. Yes, it is frustrating when you are the one on the other end who they keep pushing away. It’s frustrating when they seem to get cold for no reason. It’s annoying when they shut down out of nowhere. The truth is, there are people who have been hurt to a point of crippling fear. They want to get out of their head, but their fear keeps them locked inside of the mental prison created from their trauma. People like this need as much love, patience, and support as possible.

Now, let me come to the other end of this. Dear people suffering from Post Traumatic Love Syndrome, you DO NOT get to use your trauma as a get out of commitment-free card. *taps mic* Can you hear me? I hope you didn’t think I was just going to let you slip by because you’re hurting. Look, I get it. You have been hurt so bad that it shook you to your core. You vowed that you would never let yourself feel that low again. Good!!! But that should not be at the expense of the people who are trying to love you. At some point, you have to work through your trauma. Get in counseling, journal, pray, fast, process, HEAL. You can work through this trauma. You can get what you want which is love without experiencing what you fear which is heartache. You can’t though if you continue to look at love through the eyes of your past pain.

I just wanted to shed more light on this situation. I know there are frustrated people on both sides. People are tired of being bound by their previous heartache. People are also tired of having to pay for the trauma inflicted by someone else. I think the key is to be patient with others and be patient with ourselves. We have to be willing to acknowledge that this form of trauma exists and be patient as we all try to maneuver through it. I just want us all to get the love we desire. The key to that is healing and patience. I hope this helps. Happy healing!!!

Stop Selling Yourself Short

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Courtesy of isha.sadhguru.org

As usual, I had a great conversation with one of my friends that resulted in amazing discussion. When I mentioned a blog post, he excitingly expressed the title, “stop selling yourself short.” He then began to talk about how people need to know their worth in order to stop selling themselves short. While I agreed, I expressed I wanted to go deeper. While I believe knowing one’s worth is always important, I think there is more to this.

I think many of us sell ourselves short in dating. I don’t think the issue is knowing your worth, I think it is remembering it. The truth is, many people know they deserve more than they accept. The issue comes when we act in a way that goes against our worth. Deep down in our souls we can feel when we are getting less than we deserve. We know we should speak up for ourselves. Instead we tell our inner self to be quiet because “we’ve waited too long for this.”

I realized for myself and many others that when we meet people we like, we find ourselves going into performance mode. We forget that we do not have to prove ourselves to others. That someone should love us for who we are, not what we do. Yet we forget that and put our value on the shelf for the sake of getting someone to love us.

Stop allowing people to get the best of you without having to work for it. I know it’s hard when you have waited so long to give yourself to someone. When it felt like you were never going to catch the attention of someone you actually like. That is still not a reason for you to start giving all of yourself. It does not matter how thick his beard, how small her waist, how funny his jokes or how stimulating her conversation, you DO NOT start giving so much of yourself until they have proven they are worthy. The problem is we think being worthy is simply being a good person. No, being worthy is showing they actually want your heart and is willing to care for it. They are willing to work for your love and affection. Newsflash: Just because they are a good person does not mean they will be good to you. They have to WANT to give that to you. You sell yourself short every time you start overly supporting, overly complimenting, overly everything. It reeks of desperation and fear.

Every time you perform beyond your role, you start selling yourself short. Now I know there are people right now saying this isn’t true. That they married their significant other because they showed them what they were getting ahead of time. Key words, SIGNIFICANT OTHER!!! You have to get in the relationship first. Folks can’t even get in the relationship and they’re already leaving notes on the mirror in the morning, washing clothes and being number one fans.

You’re sitting at home frustrated because you don’t know where y’all stand. Yet you continue to give it your all in hopes they will see what you’re worth. The truth is, there is a part of you that is afraid that if you tell them what you really want, that you’ll scare them off and they’ll leave. So you keep it to yourself in hopes all that you do for them will be enough to make them see it on their own. Listen, you don’t have to be afraid of expressing what you really want. Plus it helps you to not waste time. So what if they walk away? Who cares?! How many times have you been left hurt because you poured yourself into yet another person and didn’t get it in return. Better the initial sting then the long and painful agony of emptiness.

There is another option though that too many of us forget. What if they will actually meet your demands? What if they are actually willing to love you like you want to be loved? What if she’ll actually speak into you and support your dreams? What if he’ll actually romance you and comfort you when life gets tough? This is the biggest reason why you have to stop selling yourself short. You don’t know what you could get if you would simply ask.

It’s always hilarious to me though how we can stick to our guns when we are dealing with someone we don’t like. “Don’t text me after 10pm, I have respect” or “I don’t appreciate you expecting me to do things for you.” Somehow you get amnesia when someone cute that you like comes around. They text you at 12:21am and before 12:22am you’re responding with a blushing emoji. She doesn’t even ask how your day was, but you break your neck to drop her off the food she asked for. No, you need to keep your standards across the board. Whether he looks like Chadwick Boseman (yes Lord!!!) or Jerome from Martin. Whether she looks like Kelly Rowland or Shanaynay, you have to keep your boundaries the same.

We always tell people to not deal with men who play games. Don’t deal with the woman who can’t appreciate a good man. Selling yourself short is not just about who you choose but how you choose them. I have dealt with some amazing men in my life. How I chose to deal with those amazing men made more of a difference than the men themselves. If you’re not careful, you can sell yourself short by doing so much, you cause a great person to perform at lower levels than they are capable. In a sense, when you sell yourself short, you sell them short too.

As always, I’m just here to encourage. I want you to stop discounting yourself from fear that people won’t be willing to pay the full price. I’m not saying you can be bought, I’m simply saying you can be earned. You don’t have to bend over backwards for every cute woman or man you meet. Do not let whether you like someone be the determining factor of how hard someone has to work for you. You’ll never get what you want if you never act like that’s what you want. Now let’s act accordingly😊

Why Men REALLY Won’t Commit; The Role Women Play

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Courtesy of lakianichole.com

Over the holiday break while I was browsing through my timeline, I came across a Derrick Jaxn video entitled “Why He Won’t Commit but Won’t Leave You Alone.” I instantly clicked on the video because I was intrigued as to what he would say is the cause. In a nutshell, he said something I have been saying for years but many women, myself included, tend to keep messing up. Some women feel this is an issue to blame on men. While I always believe everyone plays a part, I think women have to admit the part played in the lack of commitment from some men.

My favorite part of the video was him stating that a man is not a bad man because he doesn’t commit but continues to hang around. I’m sure some women feel as though this is unfair and that no one should lead someone on. Technically, they aren’t leading anyone on. They have shown you they aren’t trying to commit to you, but you insist on trying to prove to them you will be great anyway. But the truth is, it is easy for us to allow people to do nice things for us and be there for us even though we know we don’t share the same sentiment. Ladies how many times have you allowed men to wine and dine you, knowing you have no interest in them? Or how many times have you let him be your shoulder to cry on and go to person knowing he really cares about you but he’s deep in the friendzone? Yet you don’t see anything wrong with it. Why? Because it’s nice getting the best parts of someone without the hassle and frustration of unwarranted emotions that come from being romantically involved. If I can get your friendship, laughs, support and fun time without having to cater and commit to you, why not do so?

I know it seems I have been on a kick lately of trying to come for the ladies. That is not the case at all. This post is more endearing then it may sound. We’ve all been there. Hurt, feeling broken and frustrated. Mad yet again because another man wasted your time. Mad because another guy led you on. Mad because he didn’t commit to you. You felt you did everything you were supposed to and it wasn’t enough. Well, I hate to be the bearer of bad news but the men may not be all to blame.

Unfortunately, too many women are putting in volunteer work expecting to get paid. They are putting in work for a company that hasn’t even hired them yet. You interviewed for the position and just started showing up for work. Then you get mad when pay day rolls around and you don’t have a check. You can get mad at the company all you want but they are not obligated to pay you for what you’ve done. Just because you decide to support a man, be a great friend to him, compliment him and potentially even sleep with him does not mean he is obligated to do the same. It also does not obligate him to give you the position. You think if you work hard enough he’ll see what a great job you do and be ready to wife you. In actuality, it just shows him he doesn’t have to give you a title to get your best work.

One thing I admire about men is they will not enter into something they do not see is beneficial for them. They exert minimal effort until they see the benefit of it. A lesson women could use. Therefore, a man will not give you the position you want unless you have shown that there is something he’ll gain by giving it to you. Most men would love to give the position to women. They aren’t trying to be facetious when not committing, they just haven’t seen the benefit of the headache that will come with committing to you. They haven’t seen where the benefit will outweigh the frustration. Seems harsh? Maybe, but true nonetheless. Relationships are work and come with aggravating times. A man knows his emotions will be impacted and his nerves will be worked. Therefore, he must know that along with that, he’ll get an amazing woman whose positives make the frustration worth it. Again, if a woman is giving all the positives without having a commitment, there will be nothing to motivate him to take on the frustrations of a commitment.

I know it seems backwards to women because it is not how we think. You should be willing to understand how the man sees it if you are going to get out of the lack of commitment rut you are in. Nothing hurts worse than having to admit you are the reason men won’t commit to you. It also feels better to place the blame elsewhere. If anything, use this as a chance to empower yourself. When you know better you do better. Now you know to only give so much of yourself up front. You only have to show your potential through minimal effort. You do not have to give everything you have to a man for him to want to commit. Stop letting the fear of loneliness trick you into volunteering your best work for a paid position. Showing up early and staying late, bringing the coffee and doing all the work will not get you the position any faster. If anything, it will delay your hiring process. It will not make you stand out among the other applicants who want the position either. If anything, he’ll end up choosing the one who did the least amount of work, because he was intrigued to see what he could get once he chose her. You have the power to get the commitment you desire. The key is to do just enough to show what you are capable of. Not do everything.

I hope this helps. I just want everyone to get the love and commitment they desire. Men are not bad people because they allow you to do things for them and not commit to you. They are simply human. It is time for women to scale back and allow themselves to be offered the position they desire without begging for it through acts of desperation. Ladies you don’t have to fear he won’t choose you. You just have to be confident in what you can do and will be in a relationship. I look forward to seeing you get what you want.