So, I’ve given up explaining my long absences from this blog. All I have to say is “doc student.” Charge it to my head and not my heart. So, let’s skip all the excuses and get straight to what you all have come for. I can’t lie, though; it feels great to be writing again. I also won’t lie in that you all may not get another post until next year after I graduate *inserts shrugging emoji*
Now, to the topic at hand. This subject is one I have desired to have since a year ago after a situation I had with someone. I then had the itch to discuss it after a recent scenario my mom experienced. But the text I received last night is what sent me over the edge, but this time, in a good way.
Let’s start by discussing this term of “back pocket love.” I use it all the time to describe people who love, care for, or are interested in someone but isn’t quite ready, for whatever reason, to be with or commit to them. So, they hold on to the person, usually giving mixed signals or bare minimum effort, in order to not lose the person while they try to figure themselves out. Therefore, they put the person they aren’t ready for in their back pocket while they work on themselves or continue to do them.
So……last year I got in an entanglement of sorts. Don’t judge my life. I regret nothing. Lol. Anyhow, things were going great. We had great chemistry, went on a fantastic date, and was beginning something that seemed promising. Until he told me he was in a situationship with someone else. He stated how, when they met, she was in a relationship. When they broke up, she was willing to give him a try. Well, she ended up confused and still dealing with the ex. She wasn’t able to make a decision about commitment. He was ready; she wasn’t. Because of this, he felt guilty about seeing someone else until he rectified his situation. That’s when the entanglements began. Lol. But he felt so guilty about doing him, even though she was dealing with her ex and wouldn’t commit. This didn’t sit right with me.
My mom recently reconnected with someone with whom she had dealings with in the past. They started communicating heavy, and my mom made clear her intentions. They would talk extensively and gathered necessary information about each other. Finally, in a critical discussion, he admitted that he still wasn’t over the pain of his ex’s and that he wasn’t ready to commit. At that point, my mom shifted the dynamics of their relationship. He was upset. He couldn’t understand why things had to change. He couldn’t understand why she couldn’t wait while he worked on himself. This didn’t sit right with me.
Then the message last night came and put it all in perspective. Below is the screenshot I received.
Can we get into the maturity of this message?! This man can clearly identify his feelings for me. He has had them for years. But that’s not what makes my heart melt. It’s the acknowledgment for me!!! This man stated he doesn’t deserve me, and so he keeps his distance. Not that he keeps me around while he does him, but that he knows he’s not ready, so he stays away. This, is the answer. He may have given in to some late-night drunken phone calls professing his love over the years, but he never lets it go beyond that.
We’ve been friends for years. Love has always been there, but we never acted on it out of fear of ruining our friendship. The real truth is, my friend ain’t sh*t. Lol. I know this. He knows this. He knows I want marriage and he isn’t sold on that concept. Because he knows this, he doesn’t allow our boundaries to cross. Let me be clear, he could have crossed boundaries numerous times. He just exercised extreme will power. Why? Because he loves and respects me enough not to drag me along while he figures life out.
Listen, it’s time to start releasing people out of the back pocket. It’s an unfair position to place people in. You can’t keep stringing people along when you know that you aren’t able or willing to give them what you know they want. The truth is, you keep them in your back pocket because you don’t want to lose them or what you gain from them potentially. Even though you’re not giving them what they deserve, you don’t want to have to watch someone else give it to them either. That’s selfish!!! When you aren’t ready or willing, you have to be man or woman enough to allow someone else to do what you can’t or won’t.
Now let me step on a few toes. Some of you all have people in your back pocket who you don’t even want. Don’t worry, I’m on my own toes. I have people in my back pocket who I know I have no desire to be with. Yet, I enjoy the ego boost and sense of security they provide. Especially when I’m hurt when the people who I want to be with back pocket me. Now some of y’all won’t be real enough to admit this, but lying won’t help. You only keep them around because of what you gain from them.
Now for the people in someone’s back pocket, let me help y’all real quick. GET OUT!!! That’s it, that’s the message. You do not have to sit around and wait in someone’s back pocket. That’s not a commitment; that’s convenience. Even if that person does love you, what good does it do if they can’t and won’t give you what you need? “She says she just needs time.” “But what if when I walk away, he gets ready?” Excuses!!! Stop being afraid that you’re going to miss out on something. If they really want you, they’ll come back.
I remember telling the guy from last year before we ended things that I felt saddened by how many good women he was going to let slip past him because he would rather sit in someone else’s back pocket. Stop taking yourself off the market for someone who hasn’t even fully invested in you. “Oh, trust, I’m doing me.” Stop lying to yourself!!! You may be entertaining other people, but the truth is you’re just waiting for the day that you can come out of the back pocket. Let go of the dream and face reality.
Amongst many other things, let’s leave back pocket love in 2020. No more keeping people hanging around while you figure out what you want to do. Be mature and selfless enough to let people go if you know you’re not ready for them. Stop holding on to people for selfish gain. In reverse, get out of someone else’s pocket. A pocket is not a promise holder. Be willing to believe in what you want enough to walk away. It’s easier to bloom and grow when you’re not in the dark confines of a pocket. So, let’s all dump out our pockets out and deal with the contents inside. Happy healing😊