Trying to fill voids with the next person…

Most of us, if not all have experienced a break up or something that feels like one. It is a feeling I would not wish on anyone. The pain of separating yourself from someone who used to occupy so much of your time. The agony of trying to tell your heart not to care anymore. Then a moment happens when you are tired of hurting. At that moment you say you’re going to take matters into your own hands. You decide, whether consciously or unconsciously, you’re going to find someone else to help you move on.

I never understood how people, including myself, could believe that another person is what is going to make the situation better. It’s just as bad as thinking alcohol and drugs will make your problems go away. When the high and buzz is gone, the problems are still there. So when the high of a new person has worn off, your heart will still feel empty if you haven’t dealt with it. What is it about the gut wrenching feeling of a break up that pushes us into the unfortunate arms of someone new? The agonizing pain of what feels like your heart actually breaking. In the moment of pain it seems as though the only thing that can make us feel better, is to have someone else make us feel better. Instead of facing and dealing with the situation at hand, we rather carry our unneeded baggage into (lets be honest) a new relationship that we don’t really want. What we essentially end up doing is filling a void with the next void that will need to be filled. We then create this never ending cycle of always having to find someone to plug up our leaking hearts because we are doing patch up work on things that need fixing.

See first we start with our old voids. How many times after heartbreak have we gone through the list of old flames and tried to figure out which ones don’t get on our nerves or aren’t in a relationship. Then we hit them with the “Hey you…” text. If they take five minutes too long texting back you begin to regret your moment of weakness. That’s until they respond back with a text like they’re glad to hear from you. What they don’t know is they are just helping you perpetuate your problem of not dealing with your issues.


Coutesy of photopin

I have come to realize that most of us really hate to start over. You start thinking about how hard it is to find people of substance that you vibe with. You start thinking about how long you were single before so you figure an old flame would be the best option. “At least I don’t have to start over. They already know me and I know them” is the line we use to convince ourselves to rush back to people after heart break. So you run back to that person who is always ready and willing to entertain you after another person has hurt you. You know you really don’t want to be with them but they are always conveniently willing to take you back so you play along. That is until the next person comes in the picture and you forget who they are again. They then get tucked back into the recesses of your mind until the next situation doesn’t work out and you remember they exist once more.

The only thing we hate more than starting over, is being alone. I know people love human interaction. There are very few people on this earth who genuinely like to be alone all the time. I also know that most of us seek companionship. Unfortunately some of us have gotten to the point we can’t stand to be without companionship that we jump from person to person in a matter of seconds. Some of your relationships haven’t been over a week and you’re already cuddled up or out on a date with the next person. Now I’m not saying you have to go into mourning after breaking up because not every break up is one that requires a long healing process. My issue though is if you never take some time for just you, will you ever get a chance to reflect and learn some of the things you are doing right and wrong from your previous relationships and situations.

What I’m saying is, give your heart and emotions a break. Some of y’all have your hearts working overtime because you jump in and out of stuff every week. Then you wonder why you keep running into the same problems in all your relationships. You don’t realize that you have a tendency to nag and belittle the men you date because before you get a chance to reflect, you’re with the next guy doing the same thing. You can’t see that you don’t support the women you get with because you’re entertaining three more of them two weeks after your last chick, none of which you will support because you haven’t given yourself time to learn that. This all comes from trying to fill this void of loneliness. All it does though is stunt your potential for growth and create more unsuccessful relationships.

I would encourage you to take time for yourself. Even if you have met an amazing person, be honest and tell them you just need a little time to process what you just got out of. If they are really that great, they will respect your decision and maybe even wait for you to do so. You have to go through that hurt and pain though. Rushing to someone else is just like trying to force a wound to heal. Sometimes you can do more damage to the wound if you don’t let healing take its course. If you were an athlete, would you rush to play with an injury that has not really healed just to appease your love for the sport, but risk injuring yourself more? Or would you rather wait a few more weeks or even months to let your injury heal so you can play your best? If you stop trying to move on so fast and just deal with things, you can actually become a better person for your next relationship to actually work how you want it to. Just know that healing requires patience and patience leads to fulfillment and that is how you fill the void……

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